warning: meaningless rambling ahead
It's funny how sometimes you accomodate other people's ideas of you unintentionally. Like if they believe certain things about you without delving deeper and they keep that particular attitude, you may actually begin to behave in the manner they 'expect' you to.
I was told tonight by a good friend that I can't be un-emotional, it's just not right, essentially. I never really thought that I was being un-emotional; I close myself off from relationships for a variety of reasons that I think are valid. Past experience, the fact that no guys my age are mature enough for me, my hectic schedule and a general lack of interest in the available males here included.
Unfortunately, I have this small crush and that's what we were talking about. I haven't had a 'crush' in a long time and I was attracted to -that- guy for stupid reasons. I learned my lesson. The guy that's been on my mind lately is the total opposite--self-sufficient, secure (it seems anyway), intelligent and outgoing, open-minded and mature. But he's not sending my signals back to me and thus I am left frustrated at myself for my inability to just let it go. It's so stupid. I am not the 'crush' type--I don't think they're 'fun' as I've been told twice today, and I don't want to be the girl sitting in class, distracted by thoughts of him. It's silly, to me. Especially if it's going nowhere, which is exactly where it's going.
Ugh, I really hate this. Once you have an interest in someone, you can't be yourself around them. You're either trying to make sure they don't think you have an interest or you're trying to make sure they do. It's impossible to strike a balance.
I also am painfully aware of my shortcomings and it's very frustrating. I want so much to be a good person and to be a loving person, and people take my joking/sarcastic, aggresively affectionate personality to mean that I am an angry, unloving person. It truly hurts me. I feel that I am very loving. Who knows. Guys apparently have no clue. I can't be independent and strong-willed, or loud-mouthed and opinionated. At the same time, I have a hard time controlling those things when I recognize the need to.
Maybe that's why I try to curb my 'emotionality'--I love too much and too freely, and don't get half of it in return. God, what I would give for someone to actually, really want to get to understand me as a person. Isn't that what we all want? Why can't we get it?
Uggghhhhhhh. Boys are stupid, and therefore so am I for having a stupid useless mini-crush on one.
It's funny how sometimes you accomodate other people's ideas of you unintentionally. Like if they believe certain things about you without delving deeper and they keep that particular attitude, you may actually begin to behave in the manner they 'expect' you to.
I was told tonight by a good friend that I can't be un-emotional, it's just not right, essentially. I never really thought that I was being un-emotional; I close myself off from relationships for a variety of reasons that I think are valid. Past experience, the fact that no guys my age are mature enough for me, my hectic schedule and a general lack of interest in the available males here included.
Unfortunately, I have this small crush and that's what we were talking about. I haven't had a 'crush' in a long time and I was attracted to -that- guy for stupid reasons. I learned my lesson. The guy that's been on my mind lately is the total opposite--self-sufficient, secure (it seems anyway), intelligent and outgoing, open-minded and mature. But he's not sending my signals back to me and thus I am left frustrated at myself for my inability to just let it go. It's so stupid. I am not the 'crush' type--I don't think they're 'fun' as I've been told twice today, and I don't want to be the girl sitting in class, distracted by thoughts of him. It's silly, to me. Especially if it's going nowhere, which is exactly where it's going.
Ugh, I really hate this. Once you have an interest in someone, you can't be yourself around them. You're either trying to make sure they don't think you have an interest or you're trying to make sure they do. It's impossible to strike a balance.
I also am painfully aware of my shortcomings and it's very frustrating. I want so much to be a good person and to be a loving person, and people take my joking/sarcastic, aggresively affectionate personality to mean that I am an angry, unloving person. It truly hurts me. I feel that I am very loving. Who knows. Guys apparently have no clue. I can't be independent and strong-willed, or loud-mouthed and opinionated. At the same time, I have a hard time controlling those things when I recognize the need to.
Maybe that's why I try to curb my 'emotionality'--I love too much and too freely, and don't get half of it in return. God, what I would give for someone to actually, really want to get to understand me as a person. Isn't that what we all want? Why can't we get it?
Uggghhhhhhh. Boys are stupid, and therefore so am I for having a stupid useless mini-crush on one.
You should marry me. I'd never disappoint you.
I'd write more but I'm about to pass out and I have work again tomorrow. Nicole I do so dearly love you.