Tuesday Apr 19, 2005

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It's hard for me to know what to do. My life has become a song from The Clash...

Several weeks ago, I opened up my heart to this girl. Smart, funny, beautiful, and amazing... She's empathic, and whether it's that or from some other connection we share she can see right through my defenses. We started seeing each other casually (both our schedules have been crazy and our lives complicated, plus neither of us was interested in rushing into anything), but in the last couple weeks I got the sense that she was playing games with me. I didn't want to believe it, but then I started hearing that from friends as well. Not just mine, but hers as well. Even Raw_Ima_Monster just stood there shaking his head at the situation. I was crushed.

So last night I talk to this girl. First time in over a week, the first real opportunity to have a real conversation about the situation. She said all the right things to reassure me... there were a couple miscommunications, and a couple people who have a history of playing the drama/gossip game were doing just that. There was no explanation for Rawr_Ima_Monster's behavior, but in fiarness there rarely is (whether he's right or wrong).

So there's the dilemna. Should I stay or should I go? It's entirely possible that she isn't playing games, and if that's the case I'd be a fool not to stay. No, Trilo, don't run - see how everything plays out! You might even wind up being happy! On the other hand if she's playing games with me, OF COURSE she's going to say all the right things to reassure me - that's how playing games with someone works, right? Go, Trilo, go! Run away! My desire to run away could also just be me being afraid of getting emotionally involved and vulnerable and all that. So what are your thoughts?

Current mood: confused
Current weaher: sunny and 72F, high today of 85F
Current music: SOTEG

odi omnes
VIEW 25 of 35 COMMENTS
_sarah_:
Okay. That makes more sense.

I started school at the normal age, realized I didn't know what I wanted to do, worked in various jobs until I thought I DID know (my most recent job, which I had for four years), and went back to school. As I was finishing, I realized I hated editing and hated English classes even more. I could have learned all of this from simply reading and analyzing and saved $25,000. Of course, I don't consider the education invaluable -- I was exposed to books I may not have read, normally -- but it does feel a little strange to be 28 and realize I've been on the wrong path.

Still, this means I just need to hop onto a different path. wink I've wanted to work in medicine ever since I was in high school, but I never thought I had the brain for it (I sold myself short, like most teenagers). As I went through my twenties, that conviction that I wanted to do medicine kept surging through me, to the point I explored career options and classes last summer. I've worked in medical offices before and like the hospital setting, so now I need to really explore it. I'm going to talk to different people who are nurses and respiratory therapists while I'm checking into schools.

The other draw is that the field for respiratory therapists and nurses is WIDE OPEN. They are BEGGING for people, in every hospital, in every city, in every state. The pay is twice what I'd make as an editor, the schedule is funky (which I prefer, actually), and did I mention the demand? Yeah. The demand is a big draw, coupled with my love of helping people, working with people, and feeling like I'm actually DOING something.

An English degree doesn't make me feel like I've truly learned anything I couldn't have learned on my own. I want to be trained in something. I want to really use my brain and feel like I've accomplished something. I crave a true challenge. Writing about the psychological undertones in "Hamlet" doesn't make me feel that way -- sure, it's satisfying, but it doesn't make me feel exuberant about overcoming a tough challenge. My brain needs exercise to stay happy.

Learning how to operate a new machine that will help someone breathe and learning more about the body will do that for me. I'll have the challenge of operating something correctly, learning what it does, learning how it helps someone, etc. Also, there's that whole "making someone better" challenge. I've always loved my human anatomy and physiology classes, so now I just want to take a few initial courses to see if it's a wise decision. If not, I can use those skills to get a job in a medical office. wink

(Wow... that was quite the novel... shocked )

[Edited on Apr 21, 2005 1:51PM]
_sarah_:
Oh, and as for your situation, it's hard to tell. I can't really say much because it's so very hard for me to trust people. I'm always looking for the games, convinced everyone plays them. I'm extremely honest and don't do that, so it crushes me when I realize someone else isn't being honest. Is it really so much to ask?

Anyway, I don't know her, so I can't really say. The only person who knows for sure is her, so you either trust her and keep going with it or trust your instincts and get out.

And that, basically, sums up your journal entry, so as you can see, I'm not much help. wink

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