tricks

I wish that I could find a way to balance everything way more than I have been able to recently. I thought that this summer was going to be so, so great twice. And both times I was pretty much let down. It's been fun, it really has. I had a good time in Guelph until it just got. bad. And I had a really good time in Toronto until. And I'm not sure when that until is. Has it already happened? Is it coming up sometime soon? I feel like I'm unhappy. I feel like I'm not appreciated and cared about as much as I should be. And sometimes I feel like I shouldn't care about that shit. I feel like I'm not in a serious relationship so why the fuck should I act like I am. But at the same time I feel like I'm a girlfriend and a girlfriend deserves. More. Than this.

I was talking to my friend's friend who was being very wise and was telling me that if I'm not happy with how I'm being treated and who I have become then it's not worth it. Yesterday I did so much. And I fucked up once, even if it was really badly (which I didn't think it actually was) and everything went to shit. And I feel bad about what I did even though I also really feel like I shouldn't. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I don't know what to do anymore.