trevallion

So...there was a girl, and now there isn't. It sucks a lot, and I really wish I could say that's my main problem, but the truth is it takes something like this for me to realize all the fucked up things I've been doing.

I need to find a new line of work. Something that allows for more freedom. I'd like to be able to dye my hair ridiculous colors and wear my septum ring all the time and maybe get more piercings. Or at least something that I could come home from and not have to fucking worry about whether or not I sent the right emails out or if I have a job scheduled that I didn't know about. I'm not good with planning, and I'm not good with things that cause me to worry. I need something that, once I get off work, I'm off work, and I need something more regular.

I need to visit my friends and family in Tennessee. I've been avoiding it for god knows what reason. I mean, I do work a lot, but I haven't bothered trying to get any time off to visit them. Visiting there reminds me of the how my life is a series of mistakes followed by even bigger mistakes made in attempt to fix the previous ones. So many different things that still hurt even after all these years. I really miss my friends there sometimes and It frustrates me that everyone there still fucking lives there. One of the few things in my life that I am very proud of is escaping that shithole of a town and I wish they'd do the same.

I need to not sit around drinking beer all day. I mean, I haven't been drinking myself to oblivion like I used to. I'm nowhere near what I was back then, but I've been just sitting around drinking beer and watching TV on my days off instead of doing productive things. Before yesterday I have probably drank at least two beers every day for the past month or so, and it was starting to affect my mood.

I need to eat better. I really eat like shit. I slip on being vegan a lot more than I'd like just out of sheer laziness. Not eating crap like butter and pastries really isn't that hard.

I really need to stop smoking and stay that way. I did good for about two or three weeks, and then I started bumming a lot, and then I bought a pack to keep me awake while I was driving to work in Oregon, and I thought that I wouldn't smoke any more after I finished those but now I'm pretty much back to full time smoking.

I need to stop determining what my problems are specifically for the purpose of avoiding them. I've been doing this for most of my adult life, and the shit just isn't working. I need to stop lying to myself.

If you read this, thanks. I really needed to vent.