trekka

When did I get so pathetic?

I always thought I was a pretty tough girl. Pretty independent and pretty in control of my life. My feelings and emotions have always been sorta erratic but I've learned ways to keep that as under control as possible.

And then one morning I just woke up like this.

Today I sobbed all day. Not because someone hurt me or anything like that. But because I hate everything about my job and my current situation. I hate my boss' shitty attitude. I hate the way she makes me feel every time I see her. I hate that I'm not getting any hours. I hate that my last paycheck was literally $225. I hate that I can't even put gas in my car without asking my parents for money. I hate that I'm 26 and living at home with no end in sight. And it all built up and I just lost it. I cried for like 2 hours straight. I cried in the goddamn shower while getting ready for my 4 hour shift.

People keep telling me it's time to look for a new job. Uh.... YA THINK?! Little do they know I've been applying for just about every fucking job that I can think of for the last few months to absolutely no avail. Not even a call for an interview. nothing. Do you understand how frustrating that is?????? To have 10 years of work experience and not be able to even snag an interview??? It literally makes me sick.

I can't sleep at night because I lie awake, pulling my hair out, obsessing over all of this. Then I finally take something to help me sleep and I sleep ok but I have nightmares ABOUT job hunting. When I wake up in the morning, I literally CANNOT pull myself out of bed. I have no drive to do anything. So I usually cry a little bit and then I roll over and try to go back to sleep. I try to sleep all day because the only time I'm not literally SHAKING with anxiety is when I'm sleeping. Then when I actually DO have work, I dread going in so much that I vomit or cry and my insides seem to vibrate in fear.

This is the absolute worst existence.

Because of all this anxiety, I'm quite needy at the moment. Which is highly inconvenient timing with this whole situation with Jesse. We're spending less time together so as to actually have our own lives and such. Which in theory I am super happy about. I have for some reason gotten to this place of super neediness and I HATE IT! literally. I don't like being that girl, you know? But right now, I wish I could spend every waking second with him just because everything else is so shitty. Like today, I didn't talk to him all day which SHOULD be fine. But because I'm so miserable, it's hard. And none of it is his fault! This is what we mutually agreed on and when it comes down to it, I think it's important for me right now to not depend on ANY ONE ELSE to make me happy. I need to find it in myself. But... how?

When does life get easy?
Rhetorical question. I know it never does.
But it would be super amazing if the universe could help me out a little bit right now.

Every day I am miserable. And I have no drive to do anything positive to help. I mean, I am applying for jobs and taking care of all that type of stuff daily. But I'm not doing things that I know help in the long run. Things like working out and taking time to meditate and work on some art or write and just help center myself. I don't know why, I just CAN'T get myself to do it. I'm just.... DEPRESSED. Like the sad cartoon commercials on TV about depression kind of depressed. It's terrible.

I never saw myself being this way at 26. I just feel completely pathetic. I think I have the worst image of myself right now. And honestly... I don't know what to do. it's spiraled so out of control and I'm here at the bottom of this horrendous pit and I can't find a way out. I don't have health insurance anymore which means no more meds and no more therapy. And I'm lost. And I have some cool people in my life that are all too far away to help me out. I really don't know what to do right now.

Sometimes I want to give up on this whole life thing but when I really think about it, I don't want to give up. I just NEED HELP. And I don't know where to find it at the moment. I just... don't.

I'm even crying as I type this.

Pathetic.

Sorry to be such a downer I'm just.... really having a difficult time and sometimes it helps for me to get it out like this. And sometimes you guys have some great words of wisdom to help me out. But no one has been reading my blogs lately really so who knows. I'm sure most of you won't even read this far. Because no one likes a downer. Everyone wants nudity and happiness at all times. Well, I'm sorry I can't provide that right now.

Thanks if you did read this far and again, my apologies. I know it will get better I'm just SUPER FUCKING TIRED of waiting and feeling like this. Because it's terrible and I feel like my actual spirit is just gone.