It's been a hot minute, hasn't it?
I am passionately in love with this song!!!!!! ^ Listen and enjoyyyyy
Sooooo yeah. I've not been around. Life has been.... interesting...?
-Found out Brando is moving in with his new girlfriend and is head over heels in love with her. Soooo that feels awesome. *gag* and *fighting back tears daily* I know I need to get over him and I am well on my way to that point. But it's a process and it doesn't happen over night, though I wish it did. Each day gets a little easier. But that fact remains that the man I spent almost 3 years with, worshipping the ground he walked on, planning a life with, has now found something better than me. And that hurts.
-This is my first holiday season being single since I was 18 (that's 7 years). And it feels fucking weird and uncomfortable and terribly empty. My family has really stepped up for me emotionally, but it only goes so far, as much as I hate to say that. I crave a soft set of lips to sip hot cocoa and sneak kisses with under the mistletoe. Because I am terribly cheesy like that. It just feels icky. I'm trying to make the best of it! Trying to start new traditions and such as a single woman! But, when it comes down to it, it's much more pleasant snuggling a boy in front of the fireplace instead of my mom's dogs. lol
It doesn't really help that ALL my close friends are in committed relationships. They all have their special somebody's to dote over throughout this month, thus leaving them less time for their spinster friend, Erin (that's me
) I end up hanging out with them sometimes anyways and try to put up with their kisses and happy giggles, I even try to just be happy for them! .... Why is that so hard when you're miserable? Don't get me wrong, I AM happy for my friends! But it is hard to handle some days (read: most days).
-I'm pretty sure right after Christmas I'm going to be putting both of my rats to sleep. Dita's tumor is just massive now and it's finally become difficult for her to get around. As for Zoe, a couple weeks ago she just stopped using her back legs. We weren't sure what was up, I was concerned that she maybe hurt her hips or something. So, my mom paid for me to take her into the vet to have her looked at. The vet felt a lump on her spine that we believe is a tumor. The vet told me I should have them both put down soon. I wanted to spend this Christmas with them, since they are the last remaining pets from the "family" that was me, B, Lucy, Mozart, Dita and Zoe.
So the vet told me to enjoy my last few weeks with them, let them eat whatever they want, let em get fat and happy, and then we'll say goodbye.
I'm painting and lining a casket for them and I have a nice place on my mom's property under the willow tree where they will be buried.
Yes, I'm weird and sentimental like that.
-I'm moving to my dad's this month/next month (however long it takes). My mom told me that her and my step dad need a break from me being there. ...
.... Even though I stick to myself, don't impose on their lives at all by staying in my room most of the time, apparently it's just suuuuuuuuch a strain having their adult daughter there. 
So, my dad agreed to let me move into his condo.
Yes, that's right. I'm going from my parent's 5 bedroom, 3 bath home on property with a huge yard and pool, to my dad's 2 bed 2 bath condo with a balcony.
Not that I really give a shit about it, but I honestly feel bad for my dad the bachelor who will now be living in close quarters with his 20-something daughter. Ahhhh geez.
-I am flat broke. Bills have started to come directly out of my bank account at little, to no, notice. Which means, I reeeeeeeeeally don't have money. lol Not even money to blow on luxuries like Starbucks or, I don't know, maybe paying my friends back money that I owe them. My account is pretty much always empty, besides gas money. Which goes quickly when I work 40 hour weeks.
I'm looking for possible second jobs or ANY way really to make some extra cash. mostly so I can pay off some debts. I'm trying to cam, but all the sites are kinda trashy and end up being a total rip off. So, I'm trying to just do it on the side via Skype etc... but...
I just feel a little stuck between a rock and a hard place financially.
This lifestyle is taking a little getting used to....
but it won't last forever! I just keep reminding myself of that!
-I've been really depressed and have been isolating myself quite a bit. Which I know isn't really healthy, I'm just not sure how else to do things when I get like this. I try to force myself to go to parties and "have a good time", but it always ends with me just feeling numb and/or annoyed and mostly just hollow. I feel like a shell of who I'm supposed to be....
It's kinda like those goddamn chocolate bunnies that you get at Easter that you get soooo jazzed on thinking it's going to be this hard, solid block of chocolate so you take a bite and it just crumbles cuz the fucking thing is hollow. That's me! I'm a chocolate easter bunny... or something...
Anyways, the isolating makes me more depressed and then I want to isolate even more. HOW does this make sense?! LOL
I just wanna feel better again. I want to wake up on the right fucking side of the bed for once and just walk around, confident and happy for an entire day with a big smile on my face. Just once! I know that I'll get my groove back, I guess I'm just tired of waiting.
-I've gained like 9 pounds... Which I know doesn't sound like a whole lot, but for me, it's the difference between a size 3 and a size 5 in jeans.... Bothersome...
Need to do something... ANYTHING.. to get back to a happy weight. I'd kill to be a size 1 again. Literally KILL. lol
That's really all I have to say about that at the moment.
-As you've probably maybe noticed, I haven't been spending much time on SG as of late. I just.... I honestly feel like a lot has changed on this site. I'm not saying this at all because I am bitter that I can't manage to shoot a new set. For real. SG just has... a different vibe than it used to. It used to feel like a safe place for alternative girls to be cherished and praised! Now, it feels terribly cliquey. And that type of vibe honestly hurts more as an adult than it did even when I was in high school.
I can't explain it without sounding like a cunt, and that's what I hate about it. Because no matter what I say, I end up sounding like an ass. Which obviously is not what I want.
I hope SG can find it's way back to being the place it once was, but with society changing and people changing as much as they do, I don't know if that day will ever come.
I was really trying to get together with some photographers to hopefully shoot a new set to submit, but of course, as per the usual in my life, that didn't work out. Rather, no one even ever replied to me. Which is whatever. I guess it's not my destiny, fine. But that isn't why I'm annoyed.
I'm annoyed because not only have things gone down that way for me, but it's gone down that way for a lot of more attractive, amazing women, even some who are already SGs have been shooed away by the popular crowd here on this site. And then new girls, who haven't even made friends in the community of SG by blogging, etc, are welcomed in with open arms. Which I think is.. well, shitty.
I don't know. Things have changed. People have changed. This site has changed. Maybe the problem is that I haven't changed with it? .... I don't think i want to change. So maybe it's just not for me?
...................................................................................................
How about a massive photo dump?
Random photos of things I've been up to and shit:
(spoilered for your pleasure)
I am passionately in love with this song!!!!!! ^ Listen and enjoyyyyy
Sooooo yeah. I've not been around. Life has been.... interesting...?
-Found out Brando is moving in with his new girlfriend and is head over heels in love with her. Soooo that feels awesome. *gag* and *fighting back tears daily* I know I need to get over him and I am well on my way to that point. But it's a process and it doesn't happen over night, though I wish it did. Each day gets a little easier. But that fact remains that the man I spent almost 3 years with, worshipping the ground he walked on, planning a life with, has now found something better than me. And that hurts.
-This is my first holiday season being single since I was 18 (that's 7 years). And it feels fucking weird and uncomfortable and terribly empty. My family has really stepped up for me emotionally, but it only goes so far, as much as I hate to say that. I crave a soft set of lips to sip hot cocoa and sneak kisses with under the mistletoe. Because I am terribly cheesy like that. It just feels icky. I'm trying to make the best of it! Trying to start new traditions and such as a single woman! But, when it comes down to it, it's much more pleasant snuggling a boy in front of the fireplace instead of my mom's dogs. lol
It doesn't really help that ALL my close friends are in committed relationships. They all have their special somebody's to dote over throughout this month, thus leaving them less time for their spinster friend, Erin (that's me
) I end up hanging out with them sometimes anyways and try to put up with their kisses and happy giggles, I even try to just be happy for them! .... Why is that so hard when you're miserable? Don't get me wrong, I AM happy for my friends! But it is hard to handle some days (read: most days). -I'm pretty sure right after Christmas I'm going to be putting both of my rats to sleep. Dita's tumor is just massive now and it's finally become difficult for her to get around. As for Zoe, a couple weeks ago she just stopped using her back legs. We weren't sure what was up, I was concerned that she maybe hurt her hips or something. So, my mom paid for me to take her into the vet to have her looked at. The vet felt a lump on her spine that we believe is a tumor. The vet told me I should have them both put down soon. I wanted to spend this Christmas with them, since they are the last remaining pets from the "family" that was me, B, Lucy, Mozart, Dita and Zoe.
So the vet told me to enjoy my last few weeks with them, let them eat whatever they want, let em get fat and happy, and then we'll say goodbye.I'm painting and lining a casket for them and I have a nice place on my mom's property under the willow tree where they will be buried.
Yes, I'm weird and sentimental like that.
-I'm moving to my dad's this month/next month (however long it takes). My mom told me that her and my step dad need a break from me being there. ...
.... Even though I stick to myself, don't impose on their lives at all by staying in my room most of the time, apparently it's just suuuuuuuuch a strain having their adult daughter there. So, my dad agreed to let me move into his condo. Yes, that's right. I'm going from my parent's 5 bedroom, 3 bath home on property with a huge yard and pool, to my dad's 2 bed 2 bath condo with a balcony.
Not that I really give a shit about it, but I honestly feel bad for my dad the bachelor who will now be living in close quarters with his 20-something daughter. Ahhhh geez.
-I am flat broke. Bills have started to come directly out of my bank account at little, to no, notice. Which means, I reeeeeeeeeally don't have money. lol Not even money to blow on luxuries like Starbucks or, I don't know, maybe paying my friends back money that I owe them. My account is pretty much always empty, besides gas money. Which goes quickly when I work 40 hour weeks.
I'm looking for possible second jobs or ANY way really to make some extra cash. mostly so I can pay off some debts. I'm trying to cam, but all the sites are kinda trashy and end up being a total rip off. So, I'm trying to just do it on the side via Skype etc... but...
I just feel a little stuck between a rock and a hard place financially.
This lifestyle is taking a little getting used to....
but it won't last forever! I just keep reminding myself of that!
-I've been really depressed and have been isolating myself quite a bit. Which I know isn't really healthy, I'm just not sure how else to do things when I get like this. I try to force myself to go to parties and "have a good time", but it always ends with me just feeling numb and/or annoyed and mostly just hollow. I feel like a shell of who I'm supposed to be....
It's kinda like those goddamn chocolate bunnies that you get at Easter that you get soooo jazzed on thinking it's going to be this hard, solid block of chocolate so you take a bite and it just crumbles cuz the fucking thing is hollow. That's me! I'm a chocolate easter bunny... or something...
Anyways, the isolating makes me more depressed and then I want to isolate even more. HOW does this make sense?! LOL
I just wanna feel better again. I want to wake up on the right fucking side of the bed for once and just walk around, confident and happy for an entire day with a big smile on my face. Just once! I know that I'll get my groove back, I guess I'm just tired of waiting.
-I've gained like 9 pounds... Which I know doesn't sound like a whole lot, but for me, it's the difference between a size 3 and a size 5 in jeans.... Bothersome...
Need to do something... ANYTHING.. to get back to a happy weight. I'd kill to be a size 1 again. Literally KILL. lol
That's really all I have to say about that at the moment.
-As you've probably maybe noticed, I haven't been spending much time on SG as of late. I just.... I honestly feel like a lot has changed on this site. I'm not saying this at all because I am bitter that I can't manage to shoot a new set. For real. SG just has... a different vibe than it used to. It used to feel like a safe place for alternative girls to be cherished and praised! Now, it feels terribly cliquey. And that type of vibe honestly hurts more as an adult than it did even when I was in high school.
I can't explain it without sounding like a cunt, and that's what I hate about it. Because no matter what I say, I end up sounding like an ass. Which obviously is not what I want.
I hope SG can find it's way back to being the place it once was, but with society changing and people changing as much as they do, I don't know if that day will ever come.
I was really trying to get together with some photographers to hopefully shoot a new set to submit, but of course, as per the usual in my life, that didn't work out. Rather, no one even ever replied to me. Which is whatever. I guess it's not my destiny, fine. But that isn't why I'm annoyed.
I'm annoyed because not only have things gone down that way for me, but it's gone down that way for a lot of more attractive, amazing women, even some who are already SGs have been shooed away by the popular crowd here on this site. And then new girls, who haven't even made friends in the community of SG by blogging, etc, are welcomed in with open arms. Which I think is.. well, shitty.
I don't know. Things have changed. People have changed. This site has changed. Maybe the problem is that I haven't changed with it? .... I don't think i want to change. So maybe it's just not for me?
...................................................................................................
How about a massive photo dump?
Random photos of things I've been up to and shit:
(spoilered for your pleasure)
So what now?
Well, I'm not going anywhere but I'll probably continue to hang back a little from SG. It's good to have breaks every now and then. You all know how to reach me outside of here though. Well, most of you do anyway. If you don't let me know and we can change that. But, I'm not leaving so you can still message me here/comment/whatever.
As for my life... It's going to be a crazy next few weeks. Between working 40 hour holiday weeks at Vans dealing with psychotic angry shoppers, moving my life over to my dad's, having the loneliest holiday of my adult life, not having money to buy anyone anything for Christmas, and having to put my rats down... Should be interesting! Haha!
I gotta ramble on...
But you know me, I've almost always got a smile on! Whether it's genuine or not, it helps me make it through these times. And so do all of you. You guys are always around when I need you and it makes me happy. So thank you for that.
Hope this blog didn't suck! 
XO
P.S. I've been spending some of my idle time on Tumblr. Follow me if you'd like and shoot me a message to let me know you're from here and I'll follow back. It's mostly just random nonsense with random partial nudity.
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