Alllll riiiiight now!
Peace, love and Rock & Roll.
((((( Quick side note about this video, you should -really- watch it! Footage from 1970. Soooo rad! And incredible live performance! )))))
This is more of a just talkie talk blog. But it's because I had a teensy bit of a revelation today. Well, not that it was anything new to me, it just sort of slapped me in the face today and woke me from my melancholy slumber.
A few things went down today....
#1: I dunno if you remember Johnny from my previous blogs about insanity... But he's been hitting me up to hang out while he was in town last night and today. Yesterday I kind of avoided it because ... well, of our history. I just didn't think it'd be a good idea for me. But last night I got a text from him saying he owed me an apology. ................ This caught me completely off guard because while he's not a bad guy, he's not one to admit when maybe he's wrong. He's just very confident and it sometimes come off as being cocky. But that's just how he is! So, I just wasn't expecting him to EVER say to me that he was sorry for anything. but either way I ended up passing out last night so we didn't get into much of a conversation.
Well, this morning I thought about it long and hard. I knew he was in town for a meeting and he really wanted to meet me for coffee so we could talk and he could apologize to me. It was a tough decision for me to make because the last time I saw him was... that one really shitty night where things got crazy and ended with him throwing me out of his house. (I soooo don't feel like rehashing that, but if you read my blogs, you know what night I'm talking about). So, it'd been a couple months since I'd seen him and the last time was just... allllllll bad. Anyways, I don't know what got into me, but I decided to go ahead and meet up with him and see what he had to say. So, I texted him and said I'd meet him for coffee and he gave me directions to his hotel.
I know what you're thinking... bow chicka bow wowwwww! Hotel time! lol but it sooooooo wasn't about that.
I got to his hotel room and I saw him and his doggies and we hugged and made some coffee in his hotel room where he proceeded to deliver one of the most genuine and heartfelt apologies I have ever received in my life. Ever. Not to totally call him out, but he even teared up which I NEVER thought I would see from him. I finally felt closure on our whole argument and honestly it felt really good.
So we had a nice long good talk and we decided to hang out a little longer.
Again, I know what you're thinking. Hotel room, emotional apology, two people with a romantic past...
But no. We went and took his truck to get an oil change and shit and went and had a late breakfast at an amazing diner we discovered while driving around looking for food. And then we played with the dogs for a little while and went to Home Depot where I finally bid him farewell.
Totally PG rated.
It was really nice to see this side of him and honestly, it put me in a great mood! I got closure and I got to see someone who I really care about as a human being. It doesn't change the fact that some really shitty stuff has gone down in the past between us, but if I keep focussing on the past, I'm never going to make my way to my future. Not to mention that resentment is just a negative and icky feeling and I really prefer to have none of that in my world right now.
Anyways, I don't know what the future holds for me and Johnny. We will see. He's going to be back in town next Monday for another meeting so we made tentative plans to hang out then. So, we'll just see how it all turns out. No expectations.
#2: I got a text from Katie today that initially really pissed me off, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew she was right. (Don't ya hate when that happens?! lol) Her text was very blunt and basically stated the following:
"You need to start getting happier because no one wants to hang out with someone who's sad all the time. We all have stuff going on in our lives. That's life. It's not supposed to be easy."
I thought long and hard about this text before I replied because my first reaction was not a good one. I felt defensive. I felt like... how dare she belittle my feelings?! I mean, fuck you! You don't know how hard this shit is for me to deal with! But the more I really thought about it, the more I realized what she was saying was what I needed to hear, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
Of course it's ok for me to feel sad and sit in those feelings! but the longer I sit in those feelings, the more I begin to alienate those who care about me. I begin to push people away which then reinforces my lonesomeness... it's a vicious cycle really. At some point, I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get back to life. Because if I continue to be so damn depressed, I turn into bad company and then no one will want to be around me. Lol.
I know this all probably makes total sense to most of you and you're all thinking how silly I must be to not have these thoughts come naturally to me. But, I was never taught how to deal with stress and shitty situations. It was only a few months ago that I completed an intensive therapy program where I only began to learn coping skills. And, to be honest, I haven't really kept up with my therapy the way I should have. So, handling stress is not on my list of top five personal skills... is what I'm getting at here. lol
I ended up thanking Katie for saying that to me and telling her that I'm sorry for being such a downer and she's right about me needing to cheer up. Even though most moments it feels COMPLETELY impossible to smile or feel happy about life, I need to find something to be happy about. I just have to if I want to survive this inner war with myself. And although there are moments I just feel like throwing my hands up in the air and saying "FUCK IT!" and driving off a damn bridge or some shit.... I don't want to be a quitter. There is too much I want to see myself accomplish before I tap out of this fight. So I'm going to make a better effort to find a smile because dwelling on my problems is not getting me anywhere.
Sooooo that was my day!
On the note of Brando, by the way, (for those of you who are keeping up on that little soap opera in my life) I haven't written the letter to him yet. I keep sitting down, pen in hand with a blank sheet of paper in front of me... but I am at a loss as to where I want to begin. If I was saying this all to his face, I know exactly what I would say. That's the silly thing! But, for some reason, writing it all down is really fuckin hard for me. I'll get it though. I'll probably just write what I was planning on saying and then clean it up. Lol. I'll figure it out!
My camera is officially LEGIT broken now. All I have at this moment in time is my iPhone and I have no photos to share with you tonight unfortunately. Just a lot of blah blah blah...
So, I leave you with this:
I don't know if this blog is actually interesting to anyone... It's kind of a diary entry for me. It was just.... a good day for the first time in a while and I thought I'd share it with you.
Love you all times infinity, especially if you toughed this boring blog out.
Peace, love and Rock & Roll.
((((( Quick side note about this video, you should -really- watch it! Footage from 1970. Soooo rad! And incredible live performance! )))))
This is more of a just talkie talk blog. But it's because I had a teensy bit of a revelation today. Well, not that it was anything new to me, it just sort of slapped me in the face today and woke me from my melancholy slumber.
A few things went down today....
#1: I dunno if you remember Johnny from my previous blogs about insanity... But he's been hitting me up to hang out while he was in town last night and today. Yesterday I kind of avoided it because ... well, of our history. I just didn't think it'd be a good idea for me. But last night I got a text from him saying he owed me an apology. ................ This caught me completely off guard because while he's not a bad guy, he's not one to admit when maybe he's wrong. He's just very confident and it sometimes come off as being cocky. But that's just how he is! So, I just wasn't expecting him to EVER say to me that he was sorry for anything. but either way I ended up passing out last night so we didn't get into much of a conversation.
Well, this morning I thought about it long and hard. I knew he was in town for a meeting and he really wanted to meet me for coffee so we could talk and he could apologize to me. It was a tough decision for me to make because the last time I saw him was... that one really shitty night where things got crazy and ended with him throwing me out of his house. (I soooo don't feel like rehashing that, but if you read my blogs, you know what night I'm talking about). So, it'd been a couple months since I'd seen him and the last time was just... allllllll bad. Anyways, I don't know what got into me, but I decided to go ahead and meet up with him and see what he had to say. So, I texted him and said I'd meet him for coffee and he gave me directions to his hotel.
I know what you're thinking... bow chicka bow wowwwww! Hotel time! lol but it sooooooo wasn't about that.
I got to his hotel room and I saw him and his doggies and we hugged and made some coffee in his hotel room where he proceeded to deliver one of the most genuine and heartfelt apologies I have ever received in my life. Ever. Not to totally call him out, but he even teared up which I NEVER thought I would see from him. I finally felt closure on our whole argument and honestly it felt really good.
So we had a nice long good talk and we decided to hang out a little longer. Again, I know what you're thinking. Hotel room, emotional apology, two people with a romantic past...
But no.
We went and took his truck to get an oil change and shit and went and had a late breakfast at an amazing diner we discovered while driving around looking for food. And then we played with the dogs for a little while and went to Home Depot where I finally bid him farewell. Totally PG rated.
It was really nice to see this side of him and honestly, it put me in a great mood! I got closure and I got to see someone who I really care about as a human being. It doesn't change the fact that some really shitty stuff has gone down in the past between us, but if I keep focussing on the past, I'm never going to make my way to my future. Not to mention that resentment is just a negative and icky feeling and I really prefer to have none of that in my world right now.
Anyways, I don't know what the future holds for me and Johnny. We will see. He's going to be back in town next Monday for another meeting so we made tentative plans to hang out then. So, we'll just see how it all turns out. No expectations.
#2: I got a text from Katie today that initially really pissed me off, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew she was right. (Don't ya hate when that happens?! lol) Her text was very blunt and basically stated the following:
"You need to start getting happier because no one wants to hang out with someone who's sad all the time. We all have stuff going on in our lives. That's life. It's not supposed to be easy."
I thought long and hard about this text before I replied because my first reaction was not a good one. I felt defensive. I felt like... how dare she belittle my feelings?! I mean, fuck you! You don't know how hard this shit is for me to deal with! But the more I really thought about it, the more I realized what she was saying was what I needed to hear, even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
Of course it's ok for me to feel sad and sit in those feelings! but the longer I sit in those feelings, the more I begin to alienate those who care about me. I begin to push people away which then reinforces my lonesomeness... it's a vicious cycle really. At some point, I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get back to life. Because if I continue to be so damn depressed, I turn into bad company and then no one will want to be around me. Lol.
I know this all probably makes total sense to most of you and you're all thinking how silly I must be to not have these thoughts come naturally to me. But, I was never taught how to deal with stress and shitty situations. It was only a few months ago that I completed an intensive therapy program where I only began to learn coping skills. And, to be honest, I haven't really kept up with my therapy the way I should have. So, handling stress is not on my list of top five personal skills... is what I'm getting at here. lol
I ended up thanking Katie for saying that to me and telling her that I'm sorry for being such a downer and she's right about me needing to cheer up. Even though most moments it feels COMPLETELY impossible to smile or feel happy about life, I need to find something to be happy about. I just have to if I want to survive this inner war with myself. And although there are moments I just feel like throwing my hands up in the air and saying "FUCK IT!" and driving off a damn bridge or some shit.... I don't want to be a quitter. There is too much I want to see myself accomplish before I tap out of this fight. So I'm going to make a better effort to find a smile because dwelling on my problems is not getting me anywhere.
Sooooo that was my day!
On the note of Brando, by the way, (for those of you who are keeping up on that little soap opera in my life) I haven't written the letter to him yet. I keep sitting down, pen in hand with a blank sheet of paper in front of me... but I am at a loss as to where I want to begin. If I was saying this all to his face, I know exactly what I would say. That's the silly thing! But, for some reason, writing it all down is really fuckin hard for me. I'll get it though. I'll probably just write what I was planning on saying and then clean it up. Lol. I'll figure it out!
My camera is officially LEGIT broken now. All I have at this moment in time is my iPhone and I have no photos to share with you tonight unfortunately. Just a lot of blah blah blah...
So, I leave you with this:
I don't know if this blog is actually interesting to anyone... It's kind of a diary entry for me. It was just.... a good day for the first time in a while and I thought I'd share it with you.
Love you all times infinity, especially if you toughed this boring blog out.
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Hopefully they will happen more often!
<3