trekka

You've got to learn to love yourself

Music therapy continues.
Side note on that topic: Someone today asked me what my drug of choice was. My answer went as follows.. "My drug of choice has changed colors a lot over the years. From alcohol, to pot, to coke, to food, to sex, to love, to attention... I guess right now it's music. I've been using it heavily to heal."

WARNING: This is a long blog with lots of talky talk about emotional bull shit. I'll toss in some pics at the end or something, but don't expect a lot of "entertainment". I just sorta need to vent. Continue as you wish...

There is sooooo much I want to write about today but everything in my mind is racing... I can't seem to put a thought together completely. I really want to talk about what has been going on in my life because I feel like it'd make me feel good to get it all off my chest! But at the same time, I don't know how to formulate it at all. Which is sort of out of character for me.

I've been doing a lot of things out of character lately.

So, things with Johnny sort of hit a wall. Rather, the vehicle that carried us hit a wall and we splattered all over the fucking place and exploded into oblivion.

I don't want to make it sound like Johnny was a bad guy. He really wasn't. Deep down, Johnny is a good, strong man with beautiful intentions. But I am a "Handle With Care" sort of individual and Johnny is a little more "Rough and Tumble". That's a mild way of putting it, I suppose. He is very blunt and inspiring, but not in a way that is in any way, shape, or form compatible with me. There were so so so so so many red flags for me. And I just strolled on by them without a care in the world.

You know what it was? Well, among other things, I think it was that he was so different from anyone have ever dated. He was so different from me, for that matter! Different ideas about things, different interests, different morals... And for some reason I thought that would be a good idea. Haha! He intrigued me though, ya know? Someone soooooo far on the opposite end of the spectrum than me should be fun, right?!

*eye roll*

I won't say it was a mistake, because I learned soooo much from the whole experience! Honestly! And I want nothing but good things for Johnny, even after everything that went down the other night. This bleeding heart will not wish anything bad upon him. But....
What was I thinking?!

I know me. I know what I need from a partner. And I knew that Johnny did not have any of that to offer. Like I said, he had something very different than what I am used to and I guess curiosity was killing the cat.

Any of you who read my blogs on the regular know that I am a soft soul with a scary monster that hides within. Lately, I've been so good at taming the monster and keeping her in hibernation. But, some people know the buttons to push on said monster to wake her up and bring her to life. Johnny brought that monster to life for the first time in a looooooooong time. And he didn't do it intentionally. Some souls just clash like titans! And apparently ... ours did just that.

There were a lot of events that led up to the massacre that was Friday night, but none of them really matter now. They are in the past. A lot of things were said by both parties (honestly, mostly by me), but a lot of soft spots were "bashed with a hammer" (mostly by him). It is what it is. And it ended in a bloody bloody mess. Literally and figuratively. And at my own hand, as per the usual. :-/

But the time has come!
The time for me to figure out how to be happy.... alone. I am done dating. Seriously. There is this huge part of me that hates being lonely and craves human touch on the daily! But, I need to learn how to quiet that beast. I need to be content with ME and only me. I need to not only be happy with myself as a person, but comfortable spending time one on one with that person. And it's gonna be a tough road! But it's a road I desperately need to travel. I need to make the trek.

And no matter how strongly I know all of this... it still scares the living shit out of me. Even the thought of it in this moment makes my heart rate rise and lump begins to settle in an uncomfortable place in my throat. My eyes even begin to well up.

But I can do it!

.....Right?

Right.

Something positive..
..that is coming from all of these stirred emotions is a lot of inspiration for some art. I sketched a little bit today. I have an idea in my head that I'm trying to put onto paper, but am slightly struggling with. But, it's beginning to form itself into a lovely drawing of a human head cracked open to expose robot gears. When I have a more firm drawing, I'll share. Right now it's just light sketches and scribbles.

Also, tomorrow I am meeting up with my girl friend Katie and we're going to the river to take some photos. She wants to shoot something very "flowy and organic" with me and wants to do my hair and such so I'm really looking forward to it. I'm feeling so many emotions lately, I might as well exploit them! And she says that I inspire her. So, we'll see what we get out of it. If nothing else, it'll be a blast to play a little dress up and hang out with one of my best friends on the river.

Hmmmm..... HERE!






Let's end this with a laugh, shall we?
From my new TV addiction: Parks and Recreation

LOVE IT!

Well, that's all she wrote today, folks. Thanks for letting me vent and whatever as always. Wish me luck on my travels to single-dom. You all are so awesome and supportive and I appreciate eery single one of you.
Follow me on Twitter (if ya wanna read my rants and ramblings and random thoughts throughout the day. lol)


xoxox