trekka

One of my very first memories as a child..

I know I have mentioned this before, but some of you are new to my blog so I will tell it again. I am special in that my long term memory is pretty amazing (short term, not so much) and I can remember being a baby in a crib, etc. Well, one of my first memories is of me as an infant in my dad's arms, Stevie Wonder's brilliant and my favorite album, Songs In The Key Of Life, was on the record player. We were in our living room at the time which is where the record player was, on and end table (which my dad still owns, by the way). "Isn't She Lovely" came on and my dad began dancing around the room, with me in his arms, and he was singing along with Stevie to me. I remember grabbing his face in my tiny hands as he sang and danced with me and unable to speak yet, I cooed in his face and grabbed his glasses off his face. When he would spin I would throw my head back in laughter. This memory if one of my most vibrant, particularly from my infancy. Don't feel bad if you can't remember that far back, the majority of the world can't. Lol I have been blessed/cursed with it and am part of a pretty small percentage of people who can remember things like that. To this day, when I hear this song, I think of that moment in time, that small blip of my infancy that was filled with pure love and bliss.
The culprit:

My goofy ass, handsome daddy.

These are the memories I hold on to and when I remember the bad... I always come back to these.

To all those daddies out there, Happy Father's Day. I hope it is filled with joy!

Today I spent a little time with my dad, we went to a lunch and didn't really talk much, because I am in a bit of a funk these last few days. But I love him and he knows that and wrote me a message on FB telling me how proud and happy he is to be my father and all sorts of other gushy stuff, so I know he wasn't offended by the mental abandonment I was experiencing. My dad and I are more alike than he cares to admit out loud, but I know deep down that he knows I am the way I am in large part because of him. Lots of empathy. Anyhow, it was a nice afternoon.

And now other, non Fathers Day related items...

I've been having a really rough few days since my last blog. This roller coaster I call my life seems to be on a never ending drop. I know it will end and before I know it, I'll be on my way UP again. But for right now, I'm feeling the drop in my gut, in my heart, in my mind, and in my soul. It's painful and I'm trying my hardest to use the skills I have learned through IOP (the intensive outpatient therapy I'm doing) to cope with all these issues I am surrounded in. I promise I'm trying. But these coping skills are learned skills, meaning they take practice. All I can do is keep trying and forging through this forrest of insanity. But goddam it's tough. I have taken up old habits again in the self harm department, which is what it is. Not what I wanted to see myself fall back into but sometimes we do what we know already just to handle living. But, I am not giving up on learning and teaching myself to USE the coping skills I have been taught. I will fight for my life this time because I don't want it to slip away.

I am using everything in me to keep a smile on my face and remember that things aren't going to suck forever.

And on that note, I have something new and exciting to report!!!

The ever lovely Boomie is coming in to town next weekend!!! I am beyond excited because her and I have been saying we wanna hang out and we never seem to make it happen. But we're finally making it happen and guess what else? I am getting one of her brilliant pieces of art tattooed on to my sternum by the artist herself! (not telling what of yet, she's gonna draw something up based on what I told her I'm kinda looking for) I could not be more excited about this. Not only do we get to hang out, but I get my pain fix by having one of her masterpieces put permanently onto my flesh. I've been needing this so badly! So, thank you miss Boomie! I cannot wait to see ya next Sunday!
Go love this please: La Visite

And this one as well: Sunrise in Venice

Women like her are the reason I wanted to be a part of Suicide Girls to begin with. We need more like her, but she will always be one of my favorite. THIS, people, is what SG is all about!

So anyways, now I will have a new tattoo before Hell City! W00t! A can I get an amennnnna!

Speaking of Hell City, I am still beyond excited about it and it's still a whole 2 months away! Haha! I got my flight confirmation and it is now on my bulletin board in my bedroom and I stare at it about 50 times a day. I am so blessed to be going with such an awesome crew including the amazing aldremech and the beautiful soul that is Thanatogenous. We're gonna have such a bitchin time!!! I know I'll be meeting my sweet friend jimcurt99 while I'm there which I am very excited about. He has shown me so much kindness and support. And I dunno who else is going but if you ARE, gimme yo numba and we'll meet up! Yayyyyyyy!

On the topic of THanatogenous, her and I have more dates to practice hooping. Every time we practice she teaches me a new trick and even though I fumble with it at first, I practice practice practice through the week and then am able to do it by the time I see her next! Hehehe! It feels good to accomplish these little goals and I know it makes her proud as a coach! Haha! I love her so much! So here's what I have learned, that Practise Makes Perfect (hint: go love that set)


Let's take a break for a few random pictures now!
...Which I shall spoiler so as to not frustrate you. Hehe

I also went on a little mini nature adventure in my backyard yesterday, which resulted in my narcissistic side of me taking more photos of myself and one of the dogs than nature. Haha! So I invite you to look that those, which I will also spoiler!

There have been some friends on this site in recent days that have been making their support extremely well known to me, in more ways than I could have imagines. I think it's tacky to give the details of who and how they have been helping me, but you know who you are and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

As far as what comes next, I don't know. More therapy this week and some doctors appointments to figure out why my blood work keeps coming back bad and hopefully some smiles along the way. And lets not forget about my tattoo extravaganza with Boomie next Sunday! I am going to do everything I can to keep smiling and holding on to my dear life as tightly as I can and know that I have a place in this world (I just haven't found it yet).

Here I thought I didn't have much to say and this turned into a LOOOOOOONG ASS blog. Haha! Sorry about that! I hope it was enjoyable though! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend, either as a dad or with you dads or just as YOU. You are all such incredible people who have brought so much magic to my world and I love you all!

Onward and upward. ALWAYS.

Should we do a Sail Away end to see if we can get more comments? Hmmmmm I'm thinkin yeah.
The End


(now you should totally go love it some more. but only if ya wanna! Love me Love me Say that you love me! LOL)

XOXOX
Trek-meister