You're still a whisper on my lips..
I've been playing this song on my guitar a lot lately. Don't be impressed, there're only like... 8 chords. And that's if I add some snazzy stuff to it. lol I swear one day I'll post a video of me playing someday. I have horrible stage fright when it comes to these sorts of things. Go figure. I can expose my body all over the internet, but when it comes to exposing my soul... very few have been privy to such occurrences. But this song has been so relevant to me. I've been missing a lot lately. My ex, my animals, my freedom, my mind.
My life over the last couple days has been... I think "interesting" is the word. Although, that implies that I, myself, am interested in the events that have taken place. And for the record, I am not. Most of my weekend was great and filled with new experiences that I never thought I would take part in (i.e. shooting guns, etc), but the rest of it has left me feeling empty and unappreciated. And none of it is anyone's fault but my own. Which, as we all know, is an incredible ego booster! [sarcasm]
I suppose the good that has come from it all is that I have a better understanding of who I am, what I believe in, and what my personal limitations are.. on a couple topics.
I did appreciate the few fun days I -did- get to enjoy, don't get me wrong here. But the good times seem to be so few and far between. I'm even doing all the things my psychologist has recommended that are supposed to help me get through it all! That's the part that really annoys me.
If there is a higher power up there somewhere, it is quite apparently testing me. That or trying to destroy me.
[I'm very much torn 50/50 on which it's supposed to be]
I have even given up trying to understand this tragedy I call "my life" and the events that have gone down. I thought maybe if I stopped over-thinking everything, some sort of beautiful and/or magical self-realization would happen! Silly me. Silly, naive me.
But I refuse to give up completely. There is still (an incredibly muted) glimmer of hope inside of me that I am holding on to desperately. I believe, though it may not always seem that I do, that good things are coming. That life will get better. That my big break is on its way. And even that my heart will regenerate. This world has something for me. Somewhere. But this game of Hide and Seek is getting tiring. In other words, maybe there are items on this scavenger hunt list that is my existence that aren't really there. Are there people in this world who are not meant to be genuinely and eternally happy, I wonder?
I know life isn't all rainbows and kittens and glitter. My life, since a very young age, has been everything but that, as a matter of fact. Not everyone at my age understands that about life and I am very painfully aware of it. However, I am still looking for that light I once saw at the end of this tunnel. Where did it go? Is it that little spec I see? Or has it gone completely?
I choose to believe it's still there. Maybe its batteries are just low? Yeah. I'm gonna go with that answer.
Until things get better, I will take your advice to heart:
I will keep my chin up, my back to the wind, and a smile, if not on my face then in my heart.
Thank you to those of you who have helped me believe in that light at the end of the tunnel. You all know who you are. You beautiful, wonderful, true people I call my friends. I love you, SG. You have been my life raft.
Sorry this blog was a bit of a downer, but I promise this state I'm in will not linger or overstay its welcome. It's just a brief moment in time, if you really look at the big picture. And my death grip on my sense of humor will bring me back to life. I know it.
I will end with something happy, because I cannot stand the thought of being 100% emo. It makes me nauseous, as a matter of fact. I just threw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it.
May 26th, baby cakes! Sail Away shot by the gorgeous and talented Lorelei will be all up in your face in Member Review awaiting your lovins
Also, don't forget to give some love to the many beautiful girls I call my friends who are hangin out in MR. Chrysis, Thanatogenous, Jaxy and many more. Those are just the first couple that popped into my mind.
Alright. The end.
xoxo
Treks
I've been playing this song on my guitar a lot lately. Don't be impressed, there're only like... 8 chords. And that's if I add some snazzy stuff to it. lol I swear one day I'll post a video of me playing someday. I have horrible stage fright when it comes to these sorts of things. Go figure. I can expose my body all over the internet, but when it comes to exposing my soul... very few have been privy to such occurrences. But this song has been so relevant to me. I've been missing a lot lately. My ex, my animals, my freedom, my mind.
My life over the last couple days has been... I think "interesting" is the word. Although, that implies that I, myself, am interested in the events that have taken place. And for the record, I am not. Most of my weekend was great and filled with new experiences that I never thought I would take part in (i.e. shooting guns, etc), but the rest of it has left me feeling empty and unappreciated. And none of it is anyone's fault but my own. Which, as we all know, is an incredible ego booster! [sarcasm]
I suppose the good that has come from it all is that I have a better understanding of who I am, what I believe in, and what my personal limitations are.. on a couple topics.
I did appreciate the few fun days I -did- get to enjoy, don't get me wrong here. But the good times seem to be so few and far between. I'm even doing all the things my psychologist has recommended that are supposed to help me get through it all! That's the part that really annoys me.
If there is a higher power up there somewhere, it is quite apparently testing me. That or trying to destroy me.
[I'm very much torn 50/50 on which it's supposed to be]
I have even given up trying to understand this tragedy I call "my life" and the events that have gone down. I thought maybe if I stopped over-thinking everything, some sort of beautiful and/or magical self-realization would happen! Silly me. Silly, naive me.
But I refuse to give up completely. There is still (an incredibly muted) glimmer of hope inside of me that I am holding on to desperately. I believe, though it may not always seem that I do, that good things are coming. That life will get better. That my big break is on its way. And even that my heart will regenerate. This world has something for me. Somewhere. But this game of Hide and Seek is getting tiring. In other words, maybe there are items on this scavenger hunt list that is my existence that aren't really there. Are there people in this world who are not meant to be genuinely and eternally happy, I wonder?
I know life isn't all rainbows and kittens and glitter. My life, since a very young age, has been everything but that, as a matter of fact. Not everyone at my age understands that about life and I am very painfully aware of it. However, I am still looking for that light I once saw at the end of this tunnel. Where did it go? Is it that little spec I see? Or has it gone completely?
I choose to believe it's still there. Maybe its batteries are just low? Yeah. I'm gonna go with that answer.
Until things get better, I will take your advice to heart:
I will keep my chin up, my back to the wind, and a smile, if not on my face then in my heart.
Thank you to those of you who have helped me believe in that light at the end of the tunnel. You all know who you are. You beautiful, wonderful, true people I call my friends. I love you, SG. You have been my life raft.
Sorry this blog was a bit of a downer, but I promise this state I'm in will not linger or overstay its welcome. It's just a brief moment in time, if you really look at the big picture. And my death grip on my sense of humor will bring me back to life. I know it.
I will end with something happy, because I cannot stand the thought of being 100% emo. It makes me nauseous, as a matter of fact. I just threw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it.
May 26th, baby cakes! Sail Away shot by the gorgeous and talented Lorelei will be all up in your face in Member Review awaiting your lovins
Also, don't forget to give some love to the many beautiful girls I call my friends who are hangin out in MR. Chrysis, Thanatogenous, Jaxy and many more. Those are just the first couple that popped into my mind.
Alright. The end.
xoxo
Treks
VIEW 25 of 29 COMMENTS
Now I want to go shooting. I could too... gotta go pester my dad...