Monday Apr 18, 2011

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Today sucks balls, but Rainn Wilson is Super

As most of you welllll know, my life as of late has been a tornado of insanity, filled with ups and downs and all around madness. lol Quite literally, the life I build for myself over the last 3 years or so has just been collapsing before my eyes while I stand as tall and strong as my tattered soul will allow. Today however (for a couple reasons I will get into later and spoiler for those of who who'd rather not read it), truly presented me with a deep moment of realization as to what my current situation really is. Today, it sunk in.

Fucking A, has it sunk in. lol

To cheer myself up, I decided to watch Super for the third time onDemand. B and I got it yesterday and it's still in our Saved Programs so I decided to watch it again and it's true brilliance really got to me. If you have not seen this movie, you REALLY need to! What is Super?
Watch and be amazed


Officially, 100% the best dark comedy I have seen in literally years. It is not often that I see a movie that I love everything about. I mean, everything. But this one fits the bill of perfection in my book. When I heard earlier this year that Rainn Wilson would be starring with Ellen Page in a dark comedy written and directed by James Gunn, I about flipped my lid! That -alone- is full of soooooo much win! But I tried sooo hard not to get my hopes up too high, just in case.

It is fucking BRILLIANT. lol


I was gonna write a little mini review for you guys but it got sooo long and I am completely incapable of doing so without giving away a few key points and shit. So, I'll tell you this. The cast is GENIUS! The story is phenomenal. Two thumbs soooo far up. Please see it. Please!

Don't be fooled by the trailer, it's a comedy, but it is TRULY a dark comedy. And violent AS FUCK! Haha! And I don't just mean Hollywood violent with fake blood and guts and shit. I mean, this is the most realistic violence I've seen in a movie. Don't get me wrong, I love me some over the top gore, but it was actually really refreshing to see a movie where when's someone skull gets bashed in.... it looks LEGIT! There was also some pretty mind blowing imagery in it (a particular scene I would call "The Finger of God", if you've seen it, you'll know what I'm talking about).

A true true commentary on the human condition and what we are/aren't capable of and how the decisions we make effect us and more importantly, others.

LOVED IT! SEE IT! I've watched it 3 times, and I'll watch it as many times as I can until it drops off my onDemand. Which I think is in 24 hours. lol

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Plus, I kinda have an absurd crush on Mr Rainn Wilson

Unnnnnnng



Life bull shit (spoilered for your pleaseure):

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

Today was the day. Today I realized that the majority of what I have called "My Life" has slipped through my tiny fingers. Did I hold on so tight that that it was forced though like sand? Or did I -let- it slip? Either way, it's all gone and there's nothing I can do to get any of it back. What brought this realization was my mom coming by today to bring me boxes to pack all of my belongings. At the end of this month, April 30 (my D Day) Brandon and I have to be out of the apartment.

He will be moving to a beautiful new apartment close to his work where he will be taking our dog and cat to live.

I am moving back in with my mom and step dad.

Pretty awesome, right? *hangs head*

I don't know if I have ever felt more like a failure than I have in the early moments of this day. I mean, I have lost my animals, my boyfriend (who I thought was going to be my future), my freedom, my apartment, my space, recently my license... seemingly my mind... It's all gone. On top of it all, I can't find a job to save my goddam life. All of this, in turn, leaves me feeling broken and ugly. I mean, I fucking get that life doesn't always go the way we want it to go, but it'd be really fucking cool if things could start going right for me.

I know this pain gets easier. I know life goes on. I KNOW all that bullshit. I'm not stupid, ya know? It's just, it hurts NOW and right now I am completely and utterly out of control of my life. As an OCD/bipolar/BPD basket case (who is also unmedicated for the most part, currently).... I am extremely uncomfortable with all of this shit spiraling so out of my control.

I keep reminding myself of the GOOD that will come from me living at home for a bit. And there is so. much. good.

But for some reason, none of it seems to matter while I'm choking in excruciating pain. I just feel like there's an elephant sitting on my chest. I can't breathe, I can't move, and everything inside of me has been crushed to oblivion.

And today...

Today was the day that my mom handed my the boxes that would pack up my livelihood from the last 3 years. Kitchen items, home decorations, pictures and concert tickets, appliances, movies, games... all purchased or received as a couple. Will I ever be able to use these items ever again without thinking of "the one that got away"? Will I ever take them out of the boxes once they're taped shut?

Fuck.

And this "being friends" thing... So far, so good-ish. But, what'll happen when we're gone and in separate places? I am soooo completely terrified of the unknown, it is painful. Ideally, I'd like us to continue to be best friends. I'd like to see us maybe hanging out at his apartment once or twice a week so I can see my dog and cat, and I'd maybe even like to see us providing a little sexual relief when needed (because let's get real, i need to get some sweet sausage from time to time, and I'm not really in the mood to deal with NEW men. lol). But then, how long does that go on?

Uncertainty. My motherfucking kryptonite. The ticking in my head and the pit in my gut. Uncertainty.

My stupid OCD likes me to be in control of all this shit and it is just not going to happen here. I'm gonna have to let go and let what's gonna happen, just... happen.

...."grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

No shit.

So, it's just this perpetual feeling of failure. Failure to maintain a relationship. Failure to hold down a LEGIT job. Failure to pay my bills, my rent, put food on the table. Failure to be an independent woman.

Failure to survive. (this task, at least)

Don't mistake ANY of this for me giving up. I have not forfeited yet to Life and her tricks. I think I've still got a few tricks up my own sleeve that are just waiting to be exposed. I just need to find them. I think I was storing them in my heart and we all know what happened to THAT. wink

I KNOW I will move on and I will rise above all this bull shit. I am a woman. It's in my blood to overcome the worst of the worst. I guess I just thought I already had overcome the worst. I mean, I've -been- through shit. but I guess the point is, the bull shit NEVER ends, it's the way I handle it that will change the outcome. Either way, it doesn't change the amount of pain I am forced to endure. I -do- need to figure out a new way to cope with the pain, however. I'm not asking for advice there, by the way. It's more of a statement.

More work at the homeless shelter, I think for me this week. More soul healing. smile (Although, side note, I can't work there because the gas driving there and back daily would kill me. frown SO there goes that idea. ) But I can still volunteer there to my heart's content and catch rides with my mom when she's goin there. smile As long as I make it there and help some people, I think I'll be just fine. More of this will heal me, surely. smile It's a start anyway. wink



I will rise above, right? smile
kas thinks I will. She even made me this super high tech graphic displaying how I can concur my problems today:
(The white one is today. I'm destroying it)


What else is goin onnnnn?
Oh! Remember that picture of Dwight from The Office that I was working on for Brando's birthday? He's complete!!!

I love it soooooo much! I wanna keep him forever and for always but he already is in love with it. So I can't be all, "Oh, yeah. I'm keeping this now".shocked but, B loves it and that's all that really matters! So, yay for me completing my first full colored pencil piece in about 10 years! *pats self on back*

SPOILERS! (Click to view)




Speaking of kas (and her brilliant cut and paste skills on Paint... HAHAHA!)... WE wanna get another SGSAC event going. So ANY AND ALL of you in the Sacramento area, join our group and lets get a groovy bunch of people together, mkay?! I'm thinking with the bad ass weather we have coming, a BBQ or picnic day would be a blasty blast!
Here's something to entice you:

look how smokin hot we are!!!!! Come hang out with us! lol

Randomssss
murky sunset:

walking my wiener..

Ever see the movie Half Baked?!? biggrin

the best 2 tacos I've ever eaten. That's what she/he said.

Started reading this, since CLEARLY I need a lesson on survival.wink

My handsome spider monkey


Well, I think I have raped your face for long enough with this blog. And just for reading it all (which in reality, I have -no idea- whether you did or not. HAHA!) I shall reward you with something to get excited about!




MAY 26 "sail away" shot by Lorelei, will be kickin it in MR waiting for you to look! So, raise your sails, guys and gals!

You all may be tired of hearing me say this, but I can't express ENOUGH how much all your long distance love and support means to me. There are days that it is -all- that gets me through my days. Whether it be via PM, blog comment, AIM convo, or text, NONE of it goes unappreciated. Sometimes I feel like you, my SG family, are my defibrillators. You get my heart beating when the rest of my body, mind, and soul are frozen in time.
I truly, from the bottom of my heart, love you guys.


xoxo Trekka

VIEW 25 of 47 COMMENTS
eroticgeek:
I am so sorry things suck so bad for you right now! frown *hugs* I can sort of relate to what you are going through in a way. Almost a year ago, my life completely turned upside down. At the time, I was engaged to my best friend who I had been with since I was 11 years old (if you are a nerd like me and do the math then we were together almost 18 years). However, everything was not perfect. The relationship was deteriorating in more ways than one. It was more of a friendship than a romance. There was no longer any affection and instead I got emotionally and physically abused. Due to having poor self-esteem, I was under the impression that no one else would want me, so I stayed with him because I was too afraid of ending up alone and being so old weird cat lady. On top of my romantic life turning to shit, my home life sucked as well. The whole family dynamic had been deteriorating for years, but around this time things progressively had gotten worse. Both of my parents are addicted to meth. They had not worked since I was sixteen. Basically, I was supporting them and my siblings and had been for years, since their drug habit was more important. However, the soon started to steal from me. To date, I could only estimate that the owe me well over 10,000 dollars. The house we lived in was mine. The utilities were in my name and I owned everything in the house. Since they were my parents I did not want to put them on the streets, but I was getting fed up with their crap and irresponsibility. So around April, I broke up with fiance and decided that I needed to move out away from my parents. The break up in addition to my need for independence lead to my parents starting to beat me. I was their money ticket. At this point, I had no intentions of finding another love interest and truly felt I was doomed at this point. However, in June I met the love of my life, love Pezmaster. Together we tried frantically to find a place to move in together. Unfortunately, we had no luck, so to get me away from the drama, we decided to go out of town for a few days. Unfortunately, the drama only got worse once I returned home a few days later. Basically, my parents threatened to kill me in front of my current boyfriend. He refused to let me go back there and now I am living with him and his family, while we continue to look for a place of our own. You think this would solve all my problems right? Not exactly. Yes, I am not being beat now, but there are eight of this in this house. My boyfriend and I have no privacy and I now sleep on a couch and my boyfriend in a recliner. I have no belonging because I left them all behind. My family hates me and so do most of my friends back home. They only support system I have now is Pezmaster and his family. Not to mention, that my boyfriend has a four year old son. I never wanted kids, so it is a big adjustment. I do not want to be like my parents and I am scared to death I am going to end up ruining this kids life. His real mother has nothing to do with him and since I have been here for six month now, I have sort of become the mommy figure.

Anyone that knows me, is aware that I do adjust well with change. I suffer from anxiety and depression and all the new developments in my life has only increased these problems. It is a lot to deal with and yes, I take medication, but pills do not alleviate the problems you are facing. I miss things from back home. Maybe, not my family, but now I am a in rural town where I know no one and it is hard to deal with. So I completely understand how you feel about thinking you are failing in life. I never expected to be going through all this at 29. I expected to have a job, a house, and be successful. Instead, I am still in graduate school. My credit is ruined due to my parents and I have nothing to call my own. I am basically starting from scratch. Luckily, I have someone who loves me! At least that is one thing I can count on, but I constantly worrying that one thing will go wrong and I will have no where to go or anyone to go back to!

Sorry, for rambling and sharing such a long blog, but I wanted to let you know that I sympathize with you and that I truly feel that things will get better for both of us. *hugs* If you ever need to talk to someone, then feel free to shoot me a line. I know that is one good thing I am good at-"talking." I just sometimes do not take my own advice! *giggles*

Try to keep smiling and keep in touch.biggrin
tahloolah:
max brooks is amazing. if you enjoy that, you should pick up world war Z. it's AMAZING and you will not be able to put it down.

I'm a super zombie geek, so yea. tongue

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