trekka

What happened, you ask?


Word.

Well, your prayers have been answered. My boyfriend of almost 3 years (off and on-ish) and I broke up Tuesday. For good this time. It was an incredibly emotional ordeal.. and quite frankly, it still is. We are going to maintain our deep friendship, or that's the plan anyway. I won't bore you with all the details of it, but I will say this..

I truly envy those of you that can deal with heart break like a fuckin bloody nose or a paper cut or some shit. Over the last year and a half that I have been on this site, I have very actively read all of your blogs and gotten to know quite a bit about a lot of you. And some of you are so light-hearted and able to deal with situations so much more eloquently than I.

I am passionate, to a fault. The fact of the matter is, I am what some would consider a "tortured artist", like Van Gogh only less talented. In my dad's words, "You feel everything with your heart, which you get from me. You also are incredibly sensitive and compassionate. These are both your best and worst qualities. It makes the good times better than you could ever imagine! But the bad times just that much harder. It's who you are and don't you EVER wish you were anything different." Truth, padre, truth. For me, heart ache is literally that. My body writhes in pain over this type of trauma.

So, here I am, shattered and doing everything in my power to glue the pieces of my soul back together. I'm doing the best I can to maintain what little bit of sanity I -do- have, but ... in most moments, I can hardly even breath or keep my hands from shaking.

This isn't the first time my heart has broken. Let's get real. I'm 25. This isn't my first rodeo. And, to be honest, this isn't the first time it has been broken over the same man. This is, however, the last time. Over him anyhow.. But heart break is heart break. And when someone you truly felt was "the one" tells you he doesn't love you anymore.. it's impossible for my heart to hold itself together.

[[ Something I have noticed, and I don't know if it's just my chemistry, but mornings are the worst. I feel absolutely helpless in morning, but once afternoon hits, I seem to find my strength. It's quite odd. I don't know why it's happening, but it is encouraging to realize that there is a light at the end of my.. mornings. *half smile*]]

I'm trying to not wallow in despair. Though as an artist, I tend to revel in my misery for a little longer than is healthy, I think. Paint some morbid shit to display what my soul is going through or some nonsense. But that's who I am. And I can't be anyone else...

So yeah! Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened!

And that's about the extent at which I want to get into that.

Let's look at this and be happy for a second:

The one little "sneak peek" to my set that gives me butterflies and makes me smile. It's not really a sneak peek, because I didn't shoot my set with the dog! (Baby, Lorelei's dog). But you can sort of see the room in which the set was shot and sorta what I was wearing!! haha! I really can't wait for you guys to see! Of course, a following "pink" title would be pretty fantastic, but I am so pleased with what I've seen of this set, that just you all enjoying it is all I can ask for!

I know some cool people.
In addition to my parents being my absolute salvation through this breakup bull shit, I have some pretty fantastic people who are helping me keep my head... well, at least my -nose-, above water.

I spent a few hours being of service (can you tell I have a 12-stepper in the fam?? ) to those in need at a local incredible homeless center in Sacramento, called Loaves and Fishes (which I was going to link you to, but their site seems to be having issues). My mom works there, mainly in their women and children area called Mary House, weekly. And she thought it'd be good for me to get out of my head for a bit and let me tell you... I have never met so many incredible strangers in such a short time period. And despite popular belief, they are not all homeless because of drugs. *eye roll*

To put it simply, this experience really changed my life. I am planning to go back next Friday and get more involved. I have a feeling that I will be spending a lot of time there.

Also, dear, dear Thanatogenous has had many kind words to shoot my way over the last couple days. Her friends are now in town and she has invited me to tag along with them to Old Sacramento today. I am actually pretty excited about it. I think getting out of my apartment is helping me to thing forward, instead of sitting and being miserable and alone. So, I'm hoping to have a good time! I'll bring my camera, hopefully get some fun shots. It's supposed to be a beautiful day, so that helps.

And lets not forget tomorrows fun time for SGSAC at Shady Lady at 8pm. I am really looking forward to meeting you guys! I'll try to not be weird and sad.

Ah geez..
It's time for me to get up and on with my day. Fighting the urge to crawl back into bed with a razor blade and spend my day being miserable and self destructive. I know it's not what I should do.. whatever the fuck that means. lol So, I'm going to make some coffee, read some blogs, watch some news, and try to be a functioning human being.

Happy Friday, guys.



xo
Treks