Time for a new new new new new NEW plan...
Aaaaaaand it's time for me to write another boring blog about my brain that no one will comment on....
A lot went on this weekend that I hope I'll get around to writing about eventually. I spent most of the day Sunday with my dad in the emergency room, which was a total blast *eye roll*. Honestly, it was the very first time that I realized that my daddy is getting old (57) and I had a pretty difficult time dealing with that. It doesn't help that I am literally all my dad has of family to do this stuff for him. I have no siblings or a step mom. So, when my dad is in crisis, I'm all he's got. And I'm reeeeeeeeeeally uncomfortable with that.
Anyways. Back to bizzz.
Yesterday was my appointment with my psychiatrist. Wow... how do I put it all into words...?
My appointments are generally 40 minutes to an hour long. Yesterday, I was there for 2 hours and 15 minutes. And I have to go back today (for something else though. lol). I saw my regular doc [let's call her Dr. M] and she had me fill out a few more checklists and worksheets about OCD and anxiety and those lit up like crazy too.
:::::SUUUUUUUPER fast side note: A couple of you have asked me for the OCD checklist that my Dr. gave me. The copy I have is written all over with some very revealing items that I added. I thought about scanning the list and posting it here, but I need to get a blank copy because of some of the things written on there. I am very comfortable sharing most things with you all, but there are a couple things that I cannot reveal. It would impair my ability to pretend to be a "normal" person and I can't have that right now. I will get a blank list and post it up on here for you guys, but that may take me a couple days, as I will probably forget until someone reminds me. lol::::::
So anyhow, after I filled out the worksheets with Dr. M, she asked me if I would be willing to talk to an associate of hers, Dr. B who specializes in special cases of OCD. I agreed, though Dr. B is male and I all but refuse to speak to male physicians of any kind. It's not a sexual abuse thing or anything of that nature, it's flat out because men DO NOT think the same way a women do. Their bodies work differently. They don't comprehend some things the same. ...Basically, it's a waste of MY time to talk to a male psychiatrist. But since Dr. B specializes in "special cases" of OCD, I figured I'd give him a shot.
My regular doc, Dr. M, walked me into his office and asked him if he'd blindly evaluate me. Basically, she wanted him to evaluate me without seeing my file or knowing anything about me besides what I was about to share with him. He agreed. Dr M left the room and I sat down on his horribly ugly beige sofa.
Beige.
Neutral colors are really bothering me lately. Like bad. His sofa reminded me of oatmeal. The plain kind with no flavor... gag me with a spoon!
I told him about my life and then described all the crazy shit I do and think.
After 40 minutes of hearing all my baggage, Dr B looks me in the eyes and told me that I had been, in his opinion, wrongly diagnosed as bipolar. He explained to me that extreme cases of OCD can mask as bipolar. The frustration builds up and up and up and before you know it's you're snapping at everyone around you and you can almost become a different person.
Dr. B told me that from the moment I sat down in his office he knew I was OCD. The way I bounced my right leg the entire time without stopping, the way my hands were shaking, the way I rearranged the books on the table next to me, the way I bit my nails until they literally bled, the way I kept fixing my hair. BEFORE I even spoke, he said he had a feeling I was OCD based on the way I was dressed and the way my hair was done.
Must be nice to be psychic, sir. lol
But Dr. B also shared with me that I have one of the worst cases of OCD in a 25 year old that he has seen in this area for quite some time. What that means, I don't know, nor do I care.
SO, he and Dr M sat with me and explained a lot about OCD itself as well as MY particular case of OCD. There was a time that I thought ALL cases of OCD were the same. And I thought it was all about washing your hands a million times and checking the front door repeatedly to make sure it's locked. lol
OCD is a lot more complex than that, apparently! And the interesting part about it is that it comes and goes in waves.
I have yet to really full-on engulf myself in information on this topic. I need to. But, I am also supposed to go to some seminar and a class and all this other bullshit to educate myself. Which, I'm all about, I just don't have like, unlimited time to sit on my ass and read.
I'm not quite ready to share with you all the gory details of what makes me so crazy, but I WILL share, that I am happy and hopeful about this new diagnosis. It makes me feel a lot better about ME to know that there is a reason I am this way. And it's not bipolar (at least that's not my focus right now). Here are a couple of my traits:
-obsessed with the number 5
-alternation between hoarding and obsessive cleanliness
-paranoia that if things aren't gone exactly the way I feel they should be done, that something horrific will happen or I will die or accidentally kill someone else
-constant fear when I am driving that I will accidentally kill someone on a bike
-biting nails until they bleed
AAAAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDD about infinity other things that I'll probably share with you when I'm more comfortable with it all. But if anything I'm doing does not fit into all the guidelines I set for myself, I have a full on anxiety attack. It tears my world down. It's pretty powerful...
Anyways, I have to get an EKG to make sure my ticker is working properly today and then I can start my new medication. I can't remember the name of it (I'll update you later) but aparently it can fuck with your heart. I don't give a fuck. Just make my brain happy. lol
So, there's my update for those who actually give a shit (which is maybe like 7% of you)! I will post a new blog either later tonight or tomorrow with fun pictures from the last few days and a much more uplifting read.
XOX
Trekka
EDIT TO APPEASE YOU:
Here are some tits as a reward for reading and as a promise to do a better, more entertaining blog later
Aaaaaaand it's time for me to write another boring blog about my brain that no one will comment on....
A lot went on this weekend that I hope I'll get around to writing about eventually. I spent most of the day Sunday with my dad in the emergency room, which was a total blast *eye roll*. Honestly, it was the very first time that I realized that my daddy is getting old (57) and I had a pretty difficult time dealing with that. It doesn't help that I am literally all my dad has of family to do this stuff for him. I have no siblings or a step mom. So, when my dad is in crisis, I'm all he's got. And I'm reeeeeeeeeeally uncomfortable with that.
Anyways. Back to bizzz.
Yesterday was my appointment with my psychiatrist. Wow... how do I put it all into words...?
My appointments are generally 40 minutes to an hour long. Yesterday, I was there for 2 hours and 15 minutes. And I have to go back today (for something else though. lol). I saw my regular doc [let's call her Dr. M] and she had me fill out a few more checklists and worksheets about OCD and anxiety and those lit up like crazy too.
:::::SUUUUUUUPER fast side note: A couple of you have asked me for the OCD checklist that my Dr. gave me. The copy I have is written all over with some very revealing items that I added. I thought about scanning the list and posting it here, but I need to get a blank copy because of some of the things written on there. I am very comfortable sharing most things with you all, but there are a couple things that I cannot reveal. It would impair my ability to pretend to be a "normal" person and I can't have that right now. I will get a blank list and post it up on here for you guys, but that may take me a couple days, as I will probably forget until someone reminds me. lol::::::
So anyhow, after I filled out the worksheets with Dr. M, she asked me if I would be willing to talk to an associate of hers, Dr. B who specializes in special cases of OCD. I agreed, though Dr. B is male and I all but refuse to speak to male physicians of any kind. It's not a sexual abuse thing or anything of that nature, it's flat out because men DO NOT think the same way a women do. Their bodies work differently. They don't comprehend some things the same. ...Basically, it's a waste of MY time to talk to a male psychiatrist. But since Dr. B specializes in "special cases" of OCD, I figured I'd give him a shot.
My regular doc, Dr. M, walked me into his office and asked him if he'd blindly evaluate me. Basically, she wanted him to evaluate me without seeing my file or knowing anything about me besides what I was about to share with him. He agreed. Dr M left the room and I sat down on his horribly ugly beige sofa.
Beige.
Neutral colors are really bothering me lately. Like bad. His sofa reminded me of oatmeal. The plain kind with no flavor... gag me with a spoon!
I told him about my life and then described all the crazy shit I do and think.
After 40 minutes of hearing all my baggage, Dr B looks me in the eyes and told me that I had been, in his opinion, wrongly diagnosed as bipolar. He explained to me that extreme cases of OCD can mask as bipolar. The frustration builds up and up and up and before you know it's you're snapping at everyone around you and you can almost become a different person.
Dr. B told me that from the moment I sat down in his office he knew I was OCD. The way I bounced my right leg the entire time without stopping, the way my hands were shaking, the way I rearranged the books on the table next to me, the way I bit my nails until they literally bled, the way I kept fixing my hair. BEFORE I even spoke, he said he had a feeling I was OCD based on the way I was dressed and the way my hair was done.
Must be nice to be psychic, sir. lol
But Dr. B also shared with me that I have one of the worst cases of OCD in a 25 year old that he has seen in this area for quite some time. What that means, I don't know, nor do I care.
SO, he and Dr M sat with me and explained a lot about OCD itself as well as MY particular case of OCD. There was a time that I thought ALL cases of OCD were the same. And I thought it was all about washing your hands a million times and checking the front door repeatedly to make sure it's locked. lol
OCD is a lot more complex than that, apparently! And the interesting part about it is that it comes and goes in waves.
I have yet to really full-on engulf myself in information on this topic. I need to. But, I am also supposed to go to some seminar and a class and all this other bullshit to educate myself. Which, I'm all about, I just don't have like, unlimited time to sit on my ass and read.
I'm not quite ready to share with you all the gory details of what makes me so crazy, but I WILL share, that I am happy and hopeful about this new diagnosis. It makes me feel a lot better about ME to know that there is a reason I am this way. And it's not bipolar (at least that's not my focus right now). Here are a couple of my traits:
-obsessed with the number 5
-alternation between hoarding and obsessive cleanliness
-paranoia that if things aren't gone exactly the way I feel they should be done, that something horrific will happen or I will die or accidentally kill someone else
-constant fear when I am driving that I will accidentally kill someone on a bike
-biting nails until they bleed
AAAAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDD about infinity other things that I'll probably share with you when I'm more comfortable with it all. But if anything I'm doing does not fit into all the guidelines I set for myself, I have a full on anxiety attack. It tears my world down. It's pretty powerful...
Anyways, I have to get an EKG to make sure my ticker is working properly today and then I can start my new medication. I can't remember the name of it (I'll update you later) but aparently it can fuck with your heart. I don't give a fuck. Just make my brain happy. lol
So, there's my update for those who actually give a shit (which is maybe like 7% of you)! I will post a new blog either later tonight or tomorrow with fun pictures from the last few days and a much more uplifting read.
XOX
Trekka
EDIT TO APPEASE YOU:
Here are some tits as a reward for reading and as a promise to do a better, more entertaining blog later
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
lazaruscries:
Oh come on you posted boobs, you will get tons of comments. And and oatlmeal sofa sounds deliciously comfortable.
thedarkness:
We give a shit girl.