Mad world...
Fukkkkkk.....
So 5 1/2 weeks of ZERO meds is catching up to me... Big time. All chemicals are out of my blood stream, which you'd think would be relieving!... And it was for a bit! (and by bit I mean like... up until yesterday) But.... I feel like the clock is ticking down to my self-destruction and no matter how much I fumble looking for the red wire, it's not there for me to cut to make it stop.
I was literally feeling pretty normal up until yesterday. In the AM I was kind of irritable and touchy but I thought it would end there until I could try and get a new appointment with my doc to re-evaluate and re-medicate. *sigh* .... No such luck. By lunch my mind was going a million miles a minute, my heart rate escalated, and my hands were unable to stop shaking. Around 2pm, I was sweating and could feel my heart pounding out my chest. All I could do was worry about bills, work, money, friends, family, my body... everything. Back to Old Me.
Fuck you, Old Me.
I won't get into the gruesome details of what a fucking psychopath I can be when I am unmedicated, but ... Wull, let's just say, it's a fucking damn good thing that I didn't/don't have a razor blade within arm's length. Not that I would kill myself by any means!!! Fuck.. I'm not depressed and begging for sweet death! Just craving a little relief... If you know me at all or have read my blogs, you know what that means. I'm incredibly self destructive with no apologies. Well, to me, it isn't destruction... it's salvation... But that's a story for another time...
Anyways, I knew I was well past my boiling point so I emailed my doctor a 7 page email about how I stopped taking my meds and blah blah blah...
I got a 4 page email back from my doctor basically reaming me for stopping my medication. I wasn't mad about it! It's true! i didn't talk to her about it before I did it and that would have been dangerous for me. A couple of the drugs really caused me to have some decent withdrawals.. painful withdrawals. But, as I said before I was just so tired of not knowing which drug was causing which side effect and which ones were working, etc. I figured the best thing I could do was to detox and start fresh!
Well, my doc was not pleased that I did it on my own and not in a rehab or psych ward. I explained to her... fuck you, I'm never going to the psych ward again! lol She knows about my deep-seeded fear of that place and why I get physically ill when I even think about being forced into that place again... That's actually a pretty interesting story that i don't mind sharing with you guys at some point. Anyways, she is having me get a ton of blood work done to make sure that my body is over the shock of removing its safety blanket.
I have an appointment with her Monday afternoon to re-engage my chemical force field.... thank fuck.
With her emails (we went back and forth for a while) she sent me links to some medical journals about comorbid bipolar and OCD... really helped me understand my issue. She sent me this huge checklist to assist in diagnosing extreme cases of OCD with a message that said, "Please fill this out honestly. Scan it and send it back to me." I checked almost every box with the exception of the area on obsessive cleaning. Fucking fuck. So I sent it back and she says "I had a feeling this was going to light up like a Christmas tree. We need to discuss this ASAP. Monday at 3:30"
Back to the comorbid bipolar/OCD, I love science. Not 10 years ago, doctors swore up and down that there was absolutely no correlation between OCD and bipolar. And now, there's a new diagnosis for it. So I spent a good portion of my day yesterday researching and.. reading medical journals. My mom worked for a surgeon, for the better part of my childhood and remains close friends with him and his family, so he lets her use his logins for all the major medical journals so that she doesn't have to pay. lol So she gave it to me and I dove in. Anyways, I have read more than I have in a long time (since college perhaps! lol) and used the Dictionary more than I knew was possible. I plan on doing the same thing today.
I have come to terms with the fact that my brain doesn't work the way "normal" people's brains do. I am ok with being crazy! it's me! And I have learned a lot and let's face it... Crazy folks have more fun! But it is frustration not having any relief. ... Which, again, is my fault for stopping my meds.
Wow... this was probably so boring and annoying. I'm sorry. I really needed to get the words in my head out on to something.
I wish I had more to write about today! Something funny or the amazing dinner we had with my dad last night or how the rest of my world is spinning! Unfortunately, this is my life right now. When I am un-medicated, my anxiety rules my world and consumes me. So as of right now, this is the air I'm breathing. Psychosis.
As a matter of fact, I have like 30 things I'm thinking right now that I want to write about, but I can't figure out how to get it from my brain into words that make sense. Like, who the fuck struggles with shit like this?!
Me. That's who.
Lucky me!
Anyways, I've also been doing some research into psychoneuroplasticity and the PNP center in TX that does a 2 day extensive assessment on your brain to detect specifically what mental illness is overpowering. They run full brain scans while evoking emotion, etc from you to view your brain activity. It's pretty interesting. It's about $5000, is not covered by insurance, and I am incredibly intrigued and considering saving up for it. I am researching like a motherfucker so we'll see what I find out!
I'm not necessarily in a bad mood, but I sure need some cheering up today...
It's not a sadness, or anger, or depression or anything of that nature. it's more like... Do you ever have one of those dreams where something really horribly awful is happening and you want to scream or run, but you're frozen and not even a squeak will come out of your mouth? Yup. That's it.
I love you guys and I'm sorry this wasn't the 100% most uplifting blog. Maybe I'll write a diff blog later or something.
XOXOX
Trekka
Fukkkkkk.....
So 5 1/2 weeks of ZERO meds is catching up to me... Big time. All chemicals are out of my blood stream, which you'd think would be relieving!... And it was for a bit! (and by bit I mean like... up until yesterday) But.... I feel like the clock is ticking down to my self-destruction and no matter how much I fumble looking for the red wire, it's not there for me to cut to make it stop.
I was literally feeling pretty normal up until yesterday. In the AM I was kind of irritable and touchy but I thought it would end there until I could try and get a new appointment with my doc to re-evaluate and re-medicate. *sigh* .... No such luck. By lunch my mind was going a million miles a minute, my heart rate escalated, and my hands were unable to stop shaking. Around 2pm, I was sweating and could feel my heart pounding out my chest. All I could do was worry about bills, work, money, friends, family, my body... everything. Back to Old Me.
Fuck you, Old Me.
I won't get into the gruesome details of what a fucking psychopath I can be when I am unmedicated, but ... Wull, let's just say, it's a fucking damn good thing that I didn't/don't have a razor blade within arm's length. Not that I would kill myself by any means!!! Fuck.. I'm not depressed and begging for sweet death! Just craving a little relief... If you know me at all or have read my blogs, you know what that means. I'm incredibly self destructive with no apologies. Well, to me, it isn't destruction... it's salvation... But that's a story for another time...
Anyways, I knew I was well past my boiling point so I emailed my doctor a 7 page email about how I stopped taking my meds and blah blah blah...
I got a 4 page email back from my doctor basically reaming me for stopping my medication. I wasn't mad about it! It's true! i didn't talk to her about it before I did it and that would have been dangerous for me. A couple of the drugs really caused me to have some decent withdrawals.. painful withdrawals. But, as I said before I was just so tired of not knowing which drug was causing which side effect and which ones were working, etc. I figured the best thing I could do was to detox and start fresh!
Well, my doc was not pleased that I did it on my own and not in a rehab or psych ward. I explained to her... fuck you, I'm never going to the psych ward again! lol She knows about my deep-seeded fear of that place and why I get physically ill when I even think about being forced into that place again... That's actually a pretty interesting story that i don't mind sharing with you guys at some point. Anyways, she is having me get a ton of blood work done to make sure that my body is over the shock of removing its safety blanket.
I have an appointment with her Monday afternoon to re-engage my chemical force field.... thank fuck.
With her emails (we went back and forth for a while) she sent me links to some medical journals about comorbid bipolar and OCD... really helped me understand my issue. She sent me this huge checklist to assist in diagnosing extreme cases of OCD with a message that said, "Please fill this out honestly. Scan it and send it back to me." I checked almost every box with the exception of the area on obsessive cleaning. Fucking fuck. So I sent it back and she says "I had a feeling this was going to light up like a Christmas tree. We need to discuss this ASAP. Monday at 3:30"
Back to the comorbid bipolar/OCD, I love science. Not 10 years ago, doctors swore up and down that there was absolutely no correlation between OCD and bipolar. And now, there's a new diagnosis for it. So I spent a good portion of my day yesterday researching and.. reading medical journals. My mom worked for a surgeon, for the better part of my childhood and remains close friends with him and his family, so he lets her use his logins for all the major medical journals so that she doesn't have to pay. lol So she gave it to me and I dove in. Anyways, I have read more than I have in a long time (since college perhaps! lol) and used the Dictionary more than I knew was possible. I plan on doing the same thing today.
I have come to terms with the fact that my brain doesn't work the way "normal" people's brains do. I am ok with being crazy! it's me! And I have learned a lot and let's face it... Crazy folks have more fun! But it is frustration not having any relief. ... Which, again, is my fault for stopping my meds.
Wow... this was probably so boring and annoying. I'm sorry. I really needed to get the words in my head out on to something.
I wish I had more to write about today! Something funny or the amazing dinner we had with my dad last night or how the rest of my world is spinning! Unfortunately, this is my life right now. When I am un-medicated, my anxiety rules my world and consumes me. So as of right now, this is the air I'm breathing. Psychosis.
As a matter of fact, I have like 30 things I'm thinking right now that I want to write about, but I can't figure out how to get it from my brain into words that make sense. Like, who the fuck struggles with shit like this?!
Me. That's who.
Lucky me!
Anyways, I've also been doing some research into psychoneuroplasticity and the PNP center in TX that does a 2 day extensive assessment on your brain to detect specifically what mental illness is overpowering. They run full brain scans while evoking emotion, etc from you to view your brain activity. It's pretty interesting. It's about $5000, is not covered by insurance, and I am incredibly intrigued and considering saving up for it. I am researching like a motherfucker so we'll see what I find out!
I'm not necessarily in a bad mood, but I sure need some cheering up today...
It's not a sadness, or anger, or depression or anything of that nature. it's more like... Do you ever have one of those dreams where something really horribly awful is happening and you want to scream or run, but you're frozen and not even a squeak will come out of your mouth? Yup. That's it.
I love you guys and I'm sorry this wasn't the 100% most uplifting blog. Maybe I'll write a diff blog later or something.
XOXOX
Trekka
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
kas:
hope you feel better soon! 
shelbs22:
Trekka...I found a book you might be interested in. It is called "Healing Depression and Anxiiety" I know the title is sooo bland and common, but it has some stuff in it that you were mentioning in your blog. It is all about brain scans and which meds help the part of the brain that is causing the emotional issue..It is by Daniel G. Amen who is one of the pioneers in brain scans for mental disorders. You have probably come accross him in your research but just in case you haven't, I thought I would mention it. By the way how was your appt. on Monday with your doc?? How are you doing?? I hope well 
You have my healing thoughts with you Bye
You have my healing thoughts with you Bye