traviss

Do you ever do things to intentionally fuck yourself over? I mean, to get completely emotionally fucked. I feel I do them at least twice a year and my latest, lets call it what it is, mistake, seems like a pretty big one. I initially planned on writing my newest blog on about my relationship with my dearest mother, a birthday tribute if you will, but this has been put off due to my current mental state, which is as you might have guessed, the feeling of being fucked over.

I started a relationship with a girl that I really care for that has no reciprocating feelings with me. Obviously, I didn't know it was to the extent it has turned out to be, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten involved (at least I like to tell myself that I wouldn't, but in all rights, I probably would do it all over again in hindsight. I'm stupid like that). To say she had no feelings for me would be a little inaccurate. I mean, how do you start a relationship with someone who doesn't have at least a slight mental connection with you, other than in your head? This wasn't in my head (thank God. I think going insane at this point in life isn't something I'd particularly condone (also, I just realised I find it weird I still thank God, and spell God with a capital G despite being a pretty devout atheist for the past few years, but that's for another time/blog.)). This was in my bed.

The girl in question, is someone I have had strong feelings towards for the past 2, maybe 3 years. I've intentionally avoided the "L word", not only because I don't really think it's the case, I'm also fearful it might actually be. She was always the "one that got away". Things started off very cute with hand-holding under the table on our first meeting, at a friends birthday, then no-contact for a whole month apart from an off the cuff comment on MySpace, when it was still cool to have an account. Then Reading Festival, where for no apparent reason she stayed in my tent for the whole time. The tent was ironically nick-named "The Tent of Un-Wholy Happenings" by other people, but contrary to the common presumption, nothing happened between us. Not a kiss, not a hug. Nothing. Then she disappeared.

That sounds a little dramatic, but it's quite an accurate depiction of the events. She moved away, got a boyfriend and cut the line on the anchor moored in London. In that time, I moved on and eventually, forgot about her. Every now and then her name would come up and I would "Aww.." for comic effect while my friends mocked my micro-obsession with a girl now gone. Then 2 months ago, I hear she's coming back. It was weird. At first I didn't believe it. Then I got excited followed by scared. Then when back to disbelief. I had to confirm the rumour myself and it was confirmed with a "can't wait to see you!" kind of reply.

Seeing her for the first time was pretty gut wrenching. Even though I'd seen pictures, prepared myself and rehearsed the "Girl, it's been a while" line quite a few times, I'd forgotten how beautiful she was. I'm selling her quite big here, but she is very attractive. There are a few qualities in a girl that I can find more appealing than looks, probably the most key one is confidence. I've met few girls that carry themselves in the same way. Not a care in the world and rip-your-heart-out stares. She made my first move way too easy. Infact, so easy, I never had to make one. After calling her name, she pounced and kissed me like I'd always expected her to. Our actions and demanour that night got me in trouble with an ex-girlfriend who berated me for flaunting my latest victim and another not-so-recent ex, who I'd only just dowsed the flames with, called me a cunt. I was pretty oblivious to everyone and anything else. We went back to mine, and considering how terrified I am of her, put in what I can only describe as the best performance of my life. Bar none. We wake up and don't get out of bed until 6pm. There is quite literally, no need for clothes. I wish the clothes has stayed off, as it only started to go wrong as soon as the button on my fly was clasped shut.

To get this clarified, I'm not looking for a relationship right now and said from the get-go of my latest foray in to single life, that it would take someone special to change my mind on this. She hadn't changed my mind, yet, but the way she quite ruthlessly said "I really don't want anything serious, at all" had a hint of venom on it. I'm me, a fully qualified emotional retard, so I ignored it. Yeah, I thought about her a lot when she wasn't there and probably text more than I should have. I am the guy that waits 2-3 days before I text back, if I text back at all. I have a full scholarship and degree with honours from the schooling of "Treat them mean, keep them keen..", but every now and then, I can't help myself. Eventually, we ended up going out for a "friend-date", so to speak, and ended up back at mine. Inside these four walls, everything is very different. It was essentially a repeat of the first time, so... Yeah. It was pretty amazing. Then this is where I stand right now.

We were at a club night, just a few days after and she blanked me. I mean completely ignored me the whole night. I wasn't asking for her to be my girlfriend or to be latched to my arm. If we were meant to be "friends with benefits", surely that includes us being friends. It left me feeling like, and this is a horrible term for any guy or anyone to have to utter, I was being used. I opened up to one of her best friends that night, someone I had barely talked to before, after she noticed I looked like I'd been punched in the gut. I talked to my sister, who is in times of need and distress, one of the greatest human beings around and is always one of my best friends. This is what I said "I'm not angry. I'm upset. Not because she's not acting like my girlfriend or she wants something to happen, but because she's acting like I'm not even her friend. Like I don't exist."

Someone must have spoken to her, because I got an apology and everything seemed to start to get to a point where something MIGHT happen. I have to repeat, I didn't want a relationship straight off the bat. If I happened to fall in to one, with a girl I really liked, then I'd be a fucking moron to fend it off. So that leads us up to right now. I haven't seen her in over a week and she's in Brighton, fucking someone else. Yes, I agreed to the term "no-strings attached" and I know what that means. I almost feel sick for getting myself into this.

I'm 22 years old and I like a girl that's using me for sex. Shit, 8 years ago I would have thought this was awesome.

Yeah, you are beautiful, but you didn't mean a thing to me...