I just walked in the door and put my bags down and I hardly recognize the place anymore. There seems to be this feeling of anticipation as if this space was waiting for me to come back and knew I'd be arriving soon. There's still so much work to do in order to really make it my own and to feel comfortable here again but I feel a sense of relief at seeing the old place. Seems like when I left I took a lot more bags with me but it's a relief to put down the ones I managed to maintain in my travels and sit back and rest for a minute.
It's not the first time I've been away from here and I'd spent years kicking around before I even found this home of mine in the first place. I remember the first time I entered the space, I was giddy. I'd never felt so alive before. It was intoxicating and exciting and also in a way sublime. I'd had a lot of help from some amazing people in finding the place, procuring it, and then starting to make it my own. I don't think I can ever repay the kindness of those beautiful hearts that helped to accomplish this feat.
When I first moved in the space seemed so small. I barely had room to move around, but it was mine and I cherished it. Nobody could tell me what to do in this place, I was the ruler of my destiny here. And over time with the help of those amazing souls I was able to build on to this place and start to really decorate it up. It sure was something to experience. Everything so new and fresh. It felt like it could last forever.
But gradually I let my ego take the reigns and start to run with things. As I paid more attention to it I was less present to my space and it began to fall into disrepair. Little things started not working as well as they did at first and I was too busy to notice. Soon dust began to pile up and that once shining palace lost its glimmer. Suddenly it just didn't seem such a great place to be. I began to question why the hell I ever gave up just trying to flounder about the world with mindless abandon.
And then one day I was listening to my ego with rapt attention and we decided we didn't need this shit anymore and we packed all of these heavy bags and we hit the road. This place no longer served our sense of needing to be in control so we were the hell out of here. We were taking our act on the road and we didn't need anybody or anything to help us on the way. We had this covered. Screw it all man, we're taking the world by storm.
And so I've spent what seems like ages on the road with good old ego as my co-pilot. Luckily I had some amazing friends who watched over my place for me as I went on this grand adventure of seeing just how disconnected I could become with everything. We pushed the bounds of just how much of a dick we could be and pushed the extent of being able to live on autopilot and numbing our senses with TV and booze. And through it all these amazing souls watched over my space and worried over my path.
They were smart enough to know there wasn't much they could do but let nature take its course in this. And when I would check back with them periodically in my trips of isolation I would see the worry in their eyes and they tried to just hold it together for me and love me unconditionally. And little did they know that I was sitting on the other side of ego like a pane of soundproof one way glass. They had a mirror on their side so they thought all was well but all I had was see through glass. I could see them and their hurt but all the things they tried to mirror for me just didn't come through. And I have to say it was painful to yearn for those connections but not be able to find them or feel them. I desired so badly to be able to feel connected again but ego sat there and just laughed and kept driving us down the darkest roads imaginable. At the darkest roads I began to fear that the only way to end this trip was to just get off the ride. About the only thing that kept me going was seeing my friends on the other side holding onto my place for me and loving me despite all of it. Even if they couldn't be around me at times they still held onto that space and loved me.
And in my travels those bags I had left with just kept adding on and getting heavier and heavier. They weight was excruciating and I wasn't sure how much more I could take. Every step seemed to add more and more. All those things I was holding on to just kept dragging me back.
And then one day I end-routed ego and decided to take a course in something that had helped me get my home in the first place. And on the way to this course an amazing thing happened, the airline lost my luggage! I walked into this amazing space with only my carry-on. And I sat down and met some amazing souls. And suddenly I felt connected again. In fact I could FEEL again. And I felt my heart expand every day I spent with these amazing people. And at the end of the seminar, I went HOME.
I'm finally HOME again and it feels so amazing. The place is still in a bit of disrepair and I still have that carry-on bag but I think we can work through it all and get it ship shape again. Life feels possible and wonderful all at the same time. Some days I don't know how to deal with the intense love that I feel as songs, and writings and people trigger bursts of joy but I would rather this than not feeling. Sometimes I love so much it feels like I'm going to explode. And I think it is the most amazing feeling in the world.
And those friends? They simply looked at me and said "Welcome back". How amazing are the people in our lives that can hold on to a space for us when we can't seem to occupy it and have to go into these wild adventures and then turn around and say "Welcome back" as if nothing ever changed. Because for them, nothing really did. They still loved me with a love that sometimes baffles me. I feel this intense love for people and the world and for some reason when it is returned I get confused. And that is one of the bags I need to open up and deal with. Time to dust off the shelves and get out the linens and take up residence again.
I am so amazingly lucky and grateful to have the friends that I have in my life both new and old that helped me find my way back home again. It feels like I can never thank them enough. I guess the only way is to justify their faith in me and get this place shining again so I can house-sit for them and others when they have to go on their learning journeys. And it would be my deepest honor and privilege to do so.
And so I close with deep gratitude for everyone who has come into my world whether to cheer me on or to mirror things for me that I need to release. And to anyone reading this, even if we've never met or never will, I LOVE YOU.
It's not the first time I've been away from here and I'd spent years kicking around before I even found this home of mine in the first place. I remember the first time I entered the space, I was giddy. I'd never felt so alive before. It was intoxicating and exciting and also in a way sublime. I'd had a lot of help from some amazing people in finding the place, procuring it, and then starting to make it my own. I don't think I can ever repay the kindness of those beautiful hearts that helped to accomplish this feat.
When I first moved in the space seemed so small. I barely had room to move around, but it was mine and I cherished it. Nobody could tell me what to do in this place, I was the ruler of my destiny here. And over time with the help of those amazing souls I was able to build on to this place and start to really decorate it up. It sure was something to experience. Everything so new and fresh. It felt like it could last forever.
But gradually I let my ego take the reigns and start to run with things. As I paid more attention to it I was less present to my space and it began to fall into disrepair. Little things started not working as well as they did at first and I was too busy to notice. Soon dust began to pile up and that once shining palace lost its glimmer. Suddenly it just didn't seem such a great place to be. I began to question why the hell I ever gave up just trying to flounder about the world with mindless abandon.
And then one day I was listening to my ego with rapt attention and we decided we didn't need this shit anymore and we packed all of these heavy bags and we hit the road. This place no longer served our sense of needing to be in control so we were the hell out of here. We were taking our act on the road and we didn't need anybody or anything to help us on the way. We had this covered. Screw it all man, we're taking the world by storm.
And so I've spent what seems like ages on the road with good old ego as my co-pilot. Luckily I had some amazing friends who watched over my place for me as I went on this grand adventure of seeing just how disconnected I could become with everything. We pushed the bounds of just how much of a dick we could be and pushed the extent of being able to live on autopilot and numbing our senses with TV and booze. And through it all these amazing souls watched over my space and worried over my path.
They were smart enough to know there wasn't much they could do but let nature take its course in this. And when I would check back with them periodically in my trips of isolation I would see the worry in their eyes and they tried to just hold it together for me and love me unconditionally. And little did they know that I was sitting on the other side of ego like a pane of soundproof one way glass. They had a mirror on their side so they thought all was well but all I had was see through glass. I could see them and their hurt but all the things they tried to mirror for me just didn't come through. And I have to say it was painful to yearn for those connections but not be able to find them or feel them. I desired so badly to be able to feel connected again but ego sat there and just laughed and kept driving us down the darkest roads imaginable. At the darkest roads I began to fear that the only way to end this trip was to just get off the ride. About the only thing that kept me going was seeing my friends on the other side holding onto my place for me and loving me despite all of it. Even if they couldn't be around me at times they still held onto that space and loved me.
And in my travels those bags I had left with just kept adding on and getting heavier and heavier. They weight was excruciating and I wasn't sure how much more I could take. Every step seemed to add more and more. All those things I was holding on to just kept dragging me back.
And then one day I end-routed ego and decided to take a course in something that had helped me get my home in the first place. And on the way to this course an amazing thing happened, the airline lost my luggage! I walked into this amazing space with only my carry-on. And I sat down and met some amazing souls. And suddenly I felt connected again. In fact I could FEEL again. And I felt my heart expand every day I spent with these amazing people. And at the end of the seminar, I went HOME.
I'm finally HOME again and it feels so amazing. The place is still in a bit of disrepair and I still have that carry-on bag but I think we can work through it all and get it ship shape again. Life feels possible and wonderful all at the same time. Some days I don't know how to deal with the intense love that I feel as songs, and writings and people trigger bursts of joy but I would rather this than not feeling. Sometimes I love so much it feels like I'm going to explode. And I think it is the most amazing feeling in the world.
And those friends? They simply looked at me and said "Welcome back". How amazing are the people in our lives that can hold on to a space for us when we can't seem to occupy it and have to go into these wild adventures and then turn around and say "Welcome back" as if nothing ever changed. Because for them, nothing really did. They still loved me with a love that sometimes baffles me. I feel this intense love for people and the world and for some reason when it is returned I get confused. And that is one of the bags I need to open up and deal with. Time to dust off the shelves and get out the linens and take up residence again.
I am so amazingly lucky and grateful to have the friends that I have in my life both new and old that helped me find my way back home again. It feels like I can never thank them enough. I guess the only way is to justify their faith in me and get this place shining again so I can house-sit for them and others when they have to go on their learning journeys. And it would be my deepest honor and privilege to do so.
And so I close with deep gratitude for everyone who has come into my world whether to cheer me on or to mirror things for me that I need to release. And to anyone reading this, even if we've never met or never will, I LOVE YOU.