toxic

I’ve been told by many I’m hard to read. It’s always baffles me because I’ve thought of myself as an open book. After over a year of Self Work I try to speak what’s on my mind and be better with my communication. I project honesty because I would want the same in return. I want to be able to live and thrive successfully and humbly. To be genuine and true to myself and others.

So here we go

YEAR 29

Chapter One

For the past few months I've hit an interesting point in my life. Maybe a crossroad…Maybe something deeper than I could ever imagine. Especially in the past few weeks. I’ve always been the person with everything to say but lately life has been leaving me speechless. Life is incredible but complicated at the same time. I'm having a hard time sorting through my thoughts and I feel like I've been over analyzing so much. I have so much to be thankful for but I can't help but want more. I need more. That's how I know it's important because I care.

How I have so much energy… How I live so in the moment.

Well here’s my secret…it’s because I died. I died when I was 5. I drowned and was revived.

When you experience the other side there is no going back. You wake up and everything is different. You can’t explain it… you can only feel it. You understand it.

Afterward all you know is love. Love for your life. Love for yourself. Happiness. True Passion.

With true passion though comes hate, jealousy, and ego. Something you are always trying to be above.

I truly love life…Whole heartitly.

I love growing, changing, and evolving. I love even the messy parts. Granted those parts are irritating. I’ll admit though that I love the pain because it’s reminds me that I’m alive. That something/someone can make me feel something so powerful. Passion is powerful. I thrive on my passions. It feeds the fire that keep my heart pumping with tenacity and drive.

I have emotional baggage. Anyone who is interesting does. That's why I go to therapy. To help me work through my trauma so I can be my best person... Also to keep my ego in check

Now with all of this all I know is how to be me. I’m not afraid of who I am . I’m not afraid to be the person I am. Despite how others perceive me.

I’M NOT AFRAID TO FEEL POSITIVELY OR NEGATIVELY

I’M NOT AFRAID TO HURT

I’M NOT AFRAID TO DO WHAT IT TAKES

I’M NOT AFRAID TO DIE

it sucks but I’ve Been there… I’ve done that.

I’d rather live my life chasing my dreams then living in a real nightmare of not ever attempting them.

The only thing I’m afraid of is not living my true life. I'm afraid of not being loved for who I truly am.

I'm not perfect. Far from it actually but I'm not afraid of admitting when I'm wrong and I'm not afraid of doing what's right.

I'm blunt, opinionated, and sometimes a total asshole.

I won't be pushed around. I don't play games.

The most precious thing to me is time. I only spend mine doing the things that light my soul on fire.

So here's the deal... I’m only human. A very tiny woman with way too much personality. I’ve always been this way and it's something I can't change. I'm an independent person. I work hard and my work ethic is everything to me.. My train of thought is different and my expectation for myself/others close to me is as well. I only want to surround myself with energy that will help me continue to rise. I have no time and energy to waste on people who don’t want to elevate themselves as well.

I’m not in competition with anyone but the person I strive to be. I’m in competition with me. I want happiness and success to all of those who exude the same energy as me.

I am confident because I have respect and support from people who love me. I also have respect for myself.

If I truly want something I’ll get it. If there’s will, there’s definitely a way. The only thing that's stopping me is me.

Negativity isn't even on my radar.

I think that’s what scares people about me.

I'm not here to be like everyone else.

I'm here to stand out.