Oh 2016...
We had some good times and some definite bad times. We had a passionate love affair that was like a shooting star. It was bright, beautiful, and intense. It burned out though and just left dust at the end.
The beginning of 2016 I traveled the world. I wanted to figure out life...Who I am, Who I want to be, and why am I here... for awhile I thought I had it all figured out. Life seemed easier, I was happier than I ever thought possible, and I didn't know the everything but I was okay with that. I was telling people it was the best year of my life.
Then things changed, I realized I was in love with this guy. I had never felt so in love with another human being. He was different, quiet, and reserved. I found him fascinating. We were so opposite but I felt drawn to him like a gravitational force. I wanted to understand him. He didn't want a monogamist relationship though... he did open relationships. I have always been a monogamist but I compromised and agreed to try an open relationship.
It was new and a change and both of those things terrify me...feelings terrify me. I thought we loved each other. I honestly thought though that we had something incredibly special and it was worth the try... he was worth it to me. I wasn't worth it to him though.The more I gave the more he pulled away. He wouldn't open up to me and we never talked about anything. I wanted to talk, I wanted to communicate, and I wanted to understand him. All I ever wanted was to feel important, feel like I mattered to him. I asked him to be his primary. It's what I needed. He said "I have to think about it."
At first I told him I understood... I tried to respect him and his decision. Then 3 weeks passed by and I hadn't heard from him. 3 weeks and even when I tried to reach out he barely responded. I had been through so much and just hearing from him would have been nice but silence. Granted he's busy but even when I'm busy I make time for the people I care about.
I knew then I couldn't do it anymore. Trying to love someone who is so unattached. We are in two different places with how we love. I can't love like that. I'm too attached as a person. I want to love selflessly, but it's just not who I am. When I love someone it's so passionate and intense I just don't have eyes for anyone else. It broke my heart realizing it wasn't the same in his eyes.
When I'm done is when he messages me... when I'm done we run into each other but no words are spoken. He just stares and doesn't say a word. I couldn't stare back, my heart is obliterated, I've cried almost every damn day, and I miss him so fucking much. I just can't allow myself to be treated like that. I can't put so much energy into something when I don't receive it in return.
moving on is hard, letting go is hard, but damn it I'm going to get through this.
Since October I've been hospitalized, heartbroken, and 2 days ago was in a car accident.
but damn it I'm going to get through this.
The hospital changed me and I'm trying to find me again but
I question everything, I'm afraid of life, and I'm trying to find the joy again.
but damn it I'm going to get through this.
I'm so emotionally, psychically, and mentally drained.
but damn it I'm going to get through this.
My body hurts, I don't sleep, and for the first time in my life I've been severely depressed.
but damn it I'm going to get through this.
Even after all of this I still try to look for the positives
I have a roof over my head, 3 dogs that I love, a job, and friends who have stuck by my side.
I lost friends, mistreated those important to me, and for awhile wasn't me. I let ego take over but I'm not going to let it happen again. I love my friendships and the people who have stuck by my side. I'm thankful for them and I'm going to work on me in 2017 to be a better person. To love others and myself. Really love myself. I'm truly sorry for the wrongs I have done but I'm going to make strides. I'm going to move forward fearlessly and be the best person I can be.My life is changing. I'm going to be optimistic, because damnit I'm going to get through this.
2016 reminds me that I should always be humble and thankful...
I'm thankful to be alive
I know this isn't the update you all have been wanting but it's real life with no censors
Thanks for reading, Thank you for following
xoxo, Toxy
