Oh-Hi-Oh My Favorite Dirty Birdies!
It's been a mad minute since we last chatted! I've been a busy bee as usual! I've been traveling most recently and am now back in PDX for a bit! So I guess it's a good time to catch you all up on whats been happening lately in the life of Toxic!
In the past few months I was struggling with my anxiety. I was under an extreme amount of stress from tax season. The stress kept building with working 6 days a week, organizing tax paperwork/filing/etc, and dealing with other things. I cannot even begin to explain what the past few months have felt like to me. It's been an emotional roller coaster with faulty breaks. I've been conflicted with so many feelings and thoughts. You know feelings, the kind that creep up on you and fuck with your entire life. I didn't deal with these feeling and emotions right away like any sane person would do. NOOOOOOO, Instead I kept swallowing them. Slowly they built up until they exploded out.
The night emotions and feelings decided it was time to chat I drank 2-3 bottles of wine pretty much all to myself. Let's just say a fine lesson was learned about drinking wine. I blacked out completely. There was a 9 hour hangover the next day. Worst one of my life. Trying to piece the night before back together brought feelings of shame hurling out of my mouth, literally. Then I remembered something very important. You know the detail I phased out in that drunken blur. I decided to tell him about my feelings. My stomach turned sour, I knew it was too late for damage control.
I was vulnerable... I was terrified... I mean it needed to come out but NOT like this... NOT when I was DRUNK.
The next couple of days I was a mess. I don't handle stress well at all. I wasn't sleeping or eating. I was Feeling manic and confused. The anxiety reached it's peak as I parked my car after my Friday night shift. I buried my head into my steering wheel and I bawled my eyes out. I looked in the mirror and my fake eyelash was just sticking up, out of place. I was not going to be a wreck in front of everyone. I knew right then and there what I needed to do. I messaged Elody and told her I was coming to Chile.
^ photo by @Frani
I bought my ticket the next day and left a few days later. It was the best thing I could have done. Chile was an incredible experience for my mind, body, and spirit. Being surrounded in a loving environment with friends I haven't seen in so long. It was the first time I smiled in days. It was a great trip for personal growth and insight. I sat and reflected on how I truly felt about numerous situations going on in my life. I felt like I had been carrying so much weight on my chest and clearing the air; I cannot even express how good it felt. Elody is one of my dearest friends, I'm so glad SG brought us together.
On a different note I worked a bit in Chile. I worked with @paloma and @frani finally after years of waiting! We shot content for my personal patreon. I also shot a video set with Frani's boyfriend Alejandro which turned out beyond expectations.
You can see a teaser of the video here.
^photo by @frani
I plan on writing about Chile in my Personal Travel Blog. Which is coming soon, I've been working on it for a bit. Other recent travels included...
Las Vegas for my Best Friend Domino's Birthday! A trip with 11 of my best girls! We called ourselves the Dirty Dozen and it was an incredible time! That will be a blog as well.
The next trip was San Fransisco to party for BAY TO BREAKERS. That there was an experience... we started drinking at 8am and that was considered late. I may have had multiple hangovers, overpriced food, and an awesome time. I liked San Fransisco. It was great seeing old friends. Also I went to Alcatraz... it was everything I hoped for. For any of you who don't know 3 of my favorite things in life are History, Architecture, and the paranormal. I had a clitoral boner the whole time.
SAN FRAN will always be very memorable in so many ways.
I recently got back from traveling and am going to be back in PDX for a minute. The pups missed me, @legman has been an awesome roomie keeping an eye on them while I'm away. He's a good friend. We will see how long I stay this time, I do love to pick up my passport and go. Honestly traveling is the only time I have ever felt complete. I love the Distraction.
Distractions are nice. But no matter how far or fast you try to run away from problems you eventually have to face them. One step at a time though. I wish I could tell you there was a climatic ending to the story but there isn't, just feelings of perplexity.
That's how I'm going to define it
Perplexity
Outside Travel, Dancing, and being a superhero I've been doing that modeling thing. I shot with @darryldarko recently for my patreon and portfolio. .I love the content I've been shooting lately. It's different and a whole other side to me. It looks good on me.
Now that I'm back I'm dancing . I really love my clubs. The staff and girls have always been such supportive friends. I really love how we take care of each other.
Things have been so exciting lately at the clubs! Especially Devil's Point! Stripparaoke has become my most favorite shift of the week. If you are ever in PORTLAND it's the number one thing you have to do! It's the most fun weekly event! I love it so much guys and it's getting some awesome press lately! Playboy TV is coming this weekend to film even! It's so exciting! I will have to fill you all in on how it goes!
Outside of work I've been being social, cuddling my dogs, and Karaoke from Hell. My friend Zane recorded me singing and it's one of my favorite performances.
I've mainly shooting some great stuff lately for my patreon, publications, prints, and portfolio. Iy's been great shooting alot again. I've been funding my world travels that way and working with so many talented artists. It's awesome!
Hoping to achieve my goal of seeing most of the world before the end of the year. I think it's going to happen, I just have to stay optimistic.
If you want to keep up with the adventures...I'm not too hard to find!
@yourtoxicaddiction(INSTAGRAM/VINE/PERISCOPE)
@SGToxic (Twitter)
;) Until next time xoxoxo, your Toxy
PS: Stay passionate, Stay positive, always dream big!
