If you've ever been to Philadelphia, PA and have full use of one or both of your legs, chances are you've probably traveled by foot somewhere. In your bipedal travel you may have noticed that most of the city's residents, as well as most of its tourists, have seemingly forgotten how to fully utilize, what is supposed to be considered, man's main gait of locomotion. I'm talking, of course, about walking.
I am not a person that drives. It's partially by choice, and partially due to the fact that I'm one of the few adults that never got around to getting his driver's license. As such, I find myself walking fairly regularly, and it takes all my willpower to keep my head from exploding into a fiery ball of blood and bone fragments when forced to walk amongst other people. You'd think that something as simple as putting one leg in front of the other until you've reached your preferred destination wouldn't be difficult. You'd be wrong.
The main problem, in my opinion, is that people seem to block out the world around them when they go for a stroll, they seem to forget that there are about 1,447,394 other people who, at any given time, could also be walking around in this fair city, and those people, in all probability, can't walk through solid matter, or preform a running front flip over another moving human. Or perhaps it's not that they don't know of the other's existence, in all actuality it's more likely that they just don't care, or are just uninformed about proper walking etiquette. In the case of the latter, I present to you my all time biggest walking pet peeves, and an easy solution on how to fix them:
1. Slow walkers. These people apparently live a life of luxury. They have no job, no appointments, and never, ever have to be somewhere that is about to close soon. They truly have achieved nirvana and we should all look to them for guidance in our own lives. But you know what? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY! It's fucking great that you can take your sweet time, but I have to catch the last bus that is six blocks away and leaving in five minutes. I have to be at work in 15 minutes and I've been late 3 times this month already. I'm being chased by a rabid bear and I've hurt my ankle so I'm walking away from it quickly rather than running. I don't have an extra 300lbs of fat weighing me down and I cannot stand to move at the pace of retarded, blind, 3 legged turtle with arthritis. Whatever the case may be, there is one simple solution that will allow you to go about your casual stroll whilst I maintain my brisk pace... take two fucking steps to the side. That's right, two fucking steps. I don't even care which side you choose, just pick one and step to it. There is no reason why you should be in the exact center of the side walk, EVER.
2. Friendly walkers. Isn't that nice, you and your significant other are going for a lovely little stroll down Passyunk Ave. You're doing a little window shopping, holding hands, maybe you're even playing some little joke amongst yourselves where you push and bump each other. That's cute. It's nice that you and all your best buds want to walk down to the 7-11 and talk about last night's episode of Lost, standing side by side, calling each other names in a jocular manner. Friendship's an important part of life, and I'm glad you're realizing this. Or perhaps, it's a parent and child walking to school in the morning, child asks, "What's that big building?" while the parent gives all the information they know on the structure. It's nice to bond. You know what, though? While it might be nice for you and your partner/ BFF/ progeny to walk down the street side by side like colonial soldiers marching to Ft. Moron, you're blocking the whole damn sidewalk! I feel like the solution to this problem is much like the solution mentioned above, just step to the side for two fucking seconds! I understand that you want to walk next to your friend to make conversation easier, but the sidewalk is wide enough for two people walking in opposing directions to pass each other, but no one can do that because you've formed some sort of horrible blockade. This isn't hands across America you fucks, move!
3. Musical walkers. These people are idiots in every sense of the word. They either blast incoherent static from their microscopic cellphone speakers, or worse yet, have an actual radio so you can hear the awful banshee wails that pass for music these days. No one needs to know what music you like, you inbred simpleton. You can buy headphones for less that $10 these days, not to mention they are included with any iPod, CD player, Walkman, or portable satellite radio system on the market. Shit, I'll give you the ten bucks if it'll mean I never have to hear another Jay-Z song forced into my ear canal ever again. Oh, and then you've got these idiots that have figured out headphones, but choose to literally shout the lyrics as they walk. If I don't want to hear a paid musician sing the song, than what on Earth makes you think I want to hear you sing it? Don't get me wrong, I've been known to sing a song while I move around the city, but, by no means, do I feel any sort of need to shout the lyrics for all the world to hear, as though I think some sort of talent agent is waiting just around the next corner to say, "You there, boy on the street with the golden vocal chords, yes you. I'm Joe Awesome from Capitol Records, and you're just the kind of street walking, off key nobody that we've been looking for to front our new million dollar band!"
4. Dog walkers. I love dogs. In fact, I love all animals. That being said, if you're going to take your dog for a walk, fucking pick up after it. What universe do you live in, where it's okay to leave excrement on the ground for any unsuspecting pedestrian to walk on it? Also, I understand that it is quite difficult for the dog to understand that it may be in my way. I fully comprehend that saying excuse me to a Labrador will probably not result with him apologizing and stepping to the side. So, my friend, that leaves these burdens on your shoulders. If you're walking your dog and you're both on the left side of the sidewalk and he suddenly jumps to the right side, jump on over there with him. If your dog wants to sniff that tree for 45 minutes, don't stand on the opposite side of the sidewalk with the leash extended across, effectively blocking my path like a murder scene. Oh, and on a side note, if your dog walks up to me wagging his tail and I pet him, that doesn't necessarily mean I'd like to have a conversation with you.
5. Etc. Those are the four main things I find in my daily travels, but there are also a whole cornucopia of other minor annoyances. Like, if you're happily moving about, and you suddenly decide to stop, maybe the doorway or right in front of the stairs isn't the best place for that, maybe you pick some other place to practice your human statue routine, like somewhere more convenient for people to walk around you, maybe? Perhaps you could consider containing your walking to designated walking areas, like sidewalks. I mean, did you ever consider that perhaps the bike lane, or down the middle of the street isn't really the best place for your Sunday afternoon stroll? While we're on that subject, the sidewalk is for walking, not riding your bike. Also, would you would kindly consider looking after your children so I don't have to dodge them like some insane obstacle coarse. If you're waiting for a bus, all 700 of you, is it really that hard to just clear a path.
I could go on and on with these, but you'll notice that what it usually boils down to is just get the fuck out of the way. You don't own the sidewalk, and I'm sure you're the same asshole that honks at someone that takes just a second too long to start moving when the light turns green. Why do you not use that same sense of urgency when walking? Seriously, learn how to walk, or just stay the fuck home.
I am not a person that drives. It's partially by choice, and partially due to the fact that I'm one of the few adults that never got around to getting his driver's license. As such, I find myself walking fairly regularly, and it takes all my willpower to keep my head from exploding into a fiery ball of blood and bone fragments when forced to walk amongst other people. You'd think that something as simple as putting one leg in front of the other until you've reached your preferred destination wouldn't be difficult. You'd be wrong.
The main problem, in my opinion, is that people seem to block out the world around them when they go for a stroll, they seem to forget that there are about 1,447,394 other people who, at any given time, could also be walking around in this fair city, and those people, in all probability, can't walk through solid matter, or preform a running front flip over another moving human. Or perhaps it's not that they don't know of the other's existence, in all actuality it's more likely that they just don't care, or are just uninformed about proper walking etiquette. In the case of the latter, I present to you my all time biggest walking pet peeves, and an easy solution on how to fix them:
1. Slow walkers. These people apparently live a life of luxury. They have no job, no appointments, and never, ever have to be somewhere that is about to close soon. They truly have achieved nirvana and we should all look to them for guidance in our own lives. But you know what? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY! It's fucking great that you can take your sweet time, but I have to catch the last bus that is six blocks away and leaving in five minutes. I have to be at work in 15 minutes and I've been late 3 times this month already. I'm being chased by a rabid bear and I've hurt my ankle so I'm walking away from it quickly rather than running. I don't have an extra 300lbs of fat weighing me down and I cannot stand to move at the pace of retarded, blind, 3 legged turtle with arthritis. Whatever the case may be, there is one simple solution that will allow you to go about your casual stroll whilst I maintain my brisk pace... take two fucking steps to the side. That's right, two fucking steps. I don't even care which side you choose, just pick one and step to it. There is no reason why you should be in the exact center of the side walk, EVER.
2. Friendly walkers. Isn't that nice, you and your significant other are going for a lovely little stroll down Passyunk Ave. You're doing a little window shopping, holding hands, maybe you're even playing some little joke amongst yourselves where you push and bump each other. That's cute. It's nice that you and all your best buds want to walk down to the 7-11 and talk about last night's episode of Lost, standing side by side, calling each other names in a jocular manner. Friendship's an important part of life, and I'm glad you're realizing this. Or perhaps, it's a parent and child walking to school in the morning, child asks, "What's that big building?" while the parent gives all the information they know on the structure. It's nice to bond. You know what, though? While it might be nice for you and your partner/ BFF/ progeny to walk down the street side by side like colonial soldiers marching to Ft. Moron, you're blocking the whole damn sidewalk! I feel like the solution to this problem is much like the solution mentioned above, just step to the side for two fucking seconds! I understand that you want to walk next to your friend to make conversation easier, but the sidewalk is wide enough for two people walking in opposing directions to pass each other, but no one can do that because you've formed some sort of horrible blockade. This isn't hands across America you fucks, move!
3. Musical walkers. These people are idiots in every sense of the word. They either blast incoherent static from their microscopic cellphone speakers, or worse yet, have an actual radio so you can hear the awful banshee wails that pass for music these days. No one needs to know what music you like, you inbred simpleton. You can buy headphones for less that $10 these days, not to mention they are included with any iPod, CD player, Walkman, or portable satellite radio system on the market. Shit, I'll give you the ten bucks if it'll mean I never have to hear another Jay-Z song forced into my ear canal ever again. Oh, and then you've got these idiots that have figured out headphones, but choose to literally shout the lyrics as they walk. If I don't want to hear a paid musician sing the song, than what on Earth makes you think I want to hear you sing it? Don't get me wrong, I've been known to sing a song while I move around the city, but, by no means, do I feel any sort of need to shout the lyrics for all the world to hear, as though I think some sort of talent agent is waiting just around the next corner to say, "You there, boy on the street with the golden vocal chords, yes you. I'm Joe Awesome from Capitol Records, and you're just the kind of street walking, off key nobody that we've been looking for to front our new million dollar band!"
4. Dog walkers. I love dogs. In fact, I love all animals. That being said, if you're going to take your dog for a walk, fucking pick up after it. What universe do you live in, where it's okay to leave excrement on the ground for any unsuspecting pedestrian to walk on it? Also, I understand that it is quite difficult for the dog to understand that it may be in my way. I fully comprehend that saying excuse me to a Labrador will probably not result with him apologizing and stepping to the side. So, my friend, that leaves these burdens on your shoulders. If you're walking your dog and you're both on the left side of the sidewalk and he suddenly jumps to the right side, jump on over there with him. If your dog wants to sniff that tree for 45 minutes, don't stand on the opposite side of the sidewalk with the leash extended across, effectively blocking my path like a murder scene. Oh, and on a side note, if your dog walks up to me wagging his tail and I pet him, that doesn't necessarily mean I'd like to have a conversation with you.
5. Etc. Those are the four main things I find in my daily travels, but there are also a whole cornucopia of other minor annoyances. Like, if you're happily moving about, and you suddenly decide to stop, maybe the doorway or right in front of the stairs isn't the best place for that, maybe you pick some other place to practice your human statue routine, like somewhere more convenient for people to walk around you, maybe? Perhaps you could consider containing your walking to designated walking areas, like sidewalks. I mean, did you ever consider that perhaps the bike lane, or down the middle of the street isn't really the best place for your Sunday afternoon stroll? While we're on that subject, the sidewalk is for walking, not riding your bike. Also, would you would kindly consider looking after your children so I don't have to dodge them like some insane obstacle coarse. If you're waiting for a bus, all 700 of you, is it really that hard to just clear a path.
I could go on and on with these, but you'll notice that what it usually boils down to is just get the fuck out of the way. You don't own the sidewalk, and I'm sure you're the same asshole that honks at someone that takes just a second too long to start moving when the light turns green. Why do you not use that same sense of urgency when walking? Seriously, learn how to walk, or just stay the fuck home.