Everything's falling apart. I'm so lost, it's like I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one looks up! No one cares.
Jonathan and I have done nothing but have horribly ugly fights all fucking weekend. I've literally been hysterical for 2 straight hours. I've been crying and pulling at my hair and breaking my phone, and jabbing a pair of scissors up against my wrist, praying that they'd take over and finish me off themselves because lord knows weak-ass me is too chicken-shit to do it.
He says I'm spoiled, I don't care about him, I think I have it worse than everyone. Then why does he fucking put up with me? If I'm so spoiled, then why do I try not to bitch about living at my mom's like a sorry ass fuck so that HE won't feel bad? If I don't care about him, why do I put up with so much more shit than I bargained for when we met? And about that me-thinking-I-have-it-worse shit, what the fuck ever! I never compare myself or my problems to anyone else. Jonathan's just as fucking guilty of that as anyone and he fucking knows it! I say all the fucking time how lucky I am that my family is so supportive of what I do and that I have the opportunity to finish college. Yeah, that really sounds like I think I'm so much worse off.....
If my husband knew half the shit I thought about he'd have me locked up. If he knew that I wish death on certain people he knows personally, and really truly MEAN it, if he knew that I go to bed every night hoping I fucking die in my sleep.....whatever. I don't fucking care.
Yeah, here's a good one for ya. He told me hours ago that he'd meet me at my mom's at 4:00 so we could talk. Well, it's 3:20 and he's just now leaving his stepfathers house to take his bratty ass bastard children home. Okay, he would have needed to have had them there 10 minutes ago to make it there by 4. As it is, he's 20 minutes away from dropping them off still, then it's another 45 minutes to my mom's from there. I swear, I fucking hate men.
Now he's trying to tell me that he said he'd drop them off at 4. Yeah, okay, big fat no on that one buddy. Why the hell would I bust my ass to get to my mom's house at 4 when he'd still be 45 minutes away? He said he doesn't know because he's all fucked up. What the hell does he think I've been doing all day? I'm at work and have gotten nothing done because I've been like a raving lunatic crying and yelling and throwing shit. Jesus.
Okay, we're back to hanging up on each other and not talking again. Well fuck it, this time if he wants to talk, he can fucking call me because I'm tired of being the losery half of this marriage, constantly calling him and crying.
From now on, I'm not asking him to do shit for me or for AJ--I don't wanna seem "spoiled." I'm not letting him see/hear me cry--no need in giving him more power over me than he already has. No more calling him 40 times trying to talk out our fucked up marital issues--if he wants them dealt with, he can do it. I'm done trying to be a decent wife because all I hear is how shitty I am at it anyway.
He doesn't come out and say "you're a bad wife" but it's just how he makes me feel. He tells me that he hates waking up and being alive every morning, how the hell is that supposed to make me feel? He says if he didn't love me he would have left me a long time ago. Gee thanks. Would ya mind putting that one in a Hallmark card so I can treasure it forever?
Apparently I'm just all around shitty so fuck it.
Jonathan and I have done nothing but have horribly ugly fights all fucking weekend. I've literally been hysterical for 2 straight hours. I've been crying and pulling at my hair and breaking my phone, and jabbing a pair of scissors up against my wrist, praying that they'd take over and finish me off themselves because lord knows weak-ass me is too chicken-shit to do it.
He says I'm spoiled, I don't care about him, I think I have it worse than everyone. Then why does he fucking put up with me? If I'm so spoiled, then why do I try not to bitch about living at my mom's like a sorry ass fuck so that HE won't feel bad? If I don't care about him, why do I put up with so much more shit than I bargained for when we met? And about that me-thinking-I-have-it-worse shit, what the fuck ever! I never compare myself or my problems to anyone else. Jonathan's just as fucking guilty of that as anyone and he fucking knows it! I say all the fucking time how lucky I am that my family is so supportive of what I do and that I have the opportunity to finish college. Yeah, that really sounds like I think I'm so much worse off.....
If my husband knew half the shit I thought about he'd have me locked up. If he knew that I wish death on certain people he knows personally, and really truly MEAN it, if he knew that I go to bed every night hoping I fucking die in my sleep.....whatever. I don't fucking care.
Yeah, here's a good one for ya. He told me hours ago that he'd meet me at my mom's at 4:00 so we could talk. Well, it's 3:20 and he's just now leaving his stepfathers house to take his bratty ass bastard children home. Okay, he would have needed to have had them there 10 minutes ago to make it there by 4. As it is, he's 20 minutes away from dropping them off still, then it's another 45 minutes to my mom's from there. I swear, I fucking hate men.
Now he's trying to tell me that he said he'd drop them off at 4. Yeah, okay, big fat no on that one buddy. Why the hell would I bust my ass to get to my mom's house at 4 when he'd still be 45 minutes away? He said he doesn't know because he's all fucked up. What the hell does he think I've been doing all day? I'm at work and have gotten nothing done because I've been like a raving lunatic crying and yelling and throwing shit. Jesus.
Okay, we're back to hanging up on each other and not talking again. Well fuck it, this time if he wants to talk, he can fucking call me because I'm tired of being the losery half of this marriage, constantly calling him and crying.
From now on, I'm not asking him to do shit for me or for AJ--I don't wanna seem "spoiled." I'm not letting him see/hear me cry--no need in giving him more power over me than he already has. No more calling him 40 times trying to talk out our fucked up marital issues--if he wants them dealt with, he can do it. I'm done trying to be a decent wife because all I hear is how shitty I am at it anyway.
He doesn't come out and say "you're a bad wife" but it's just how he makes me feel. He tells me that he hates waking up and being alive every morning, how the hell is that supposed to make me feel? He says if he didn't love me he would have left me a long time ago. Gee thanks. Would ya mind putting that one in a Hallmark card so I can treasure it forever?
Apparently I'm just all around shitty so fuck it.
VIEW 18 of 18 COMMENTS
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this... I've been gone for a while (as you know). Have things gotten any better? If not, do you at least feel any better, yourself?
Thank you so much for your comments in my journal. It was extremely, extremely comforting to come back and read your nice comments after what was one of the most stressful experiences of my life so far (which isn't saying much as I've led and extremely fortunate life, but still...).
I wish I knew how you were. I'm hoping this was just a temporary flare-up between you and your husband but if it's something more, I hope that things already have been or will be soon sorted out.
I'm sending lots of big Brody hugs your way!!! Take care and please stop in to let me know how you are doing.