tortoiseavenger

Wow... did I get dumped with a huge pot of emotion tonight. Those of you who love me, please read. This may give you an opportunity to see a side of me you rarely see...

Tonight I realized just how great my life truly is. And not in the traditional sense... but in the comparative sense. (I must preface this by saying that I dont' want pity, but that I want understanding. The following information is necessary to understanding how I feel exactly.)

I come from a long history of thinking people suck. When I was three I had to learn to analyze my surroundings so that I wouldn't get hurt. I developed serious social problems, thinking everyone sucked ass and was out to get me. This followed into my teen years, where the unresolved problem escalated to the point of severe major depressive disorder, panic attack syndrome, and suicidal activity... All of this because I thought sure I could not be loved.

I was too brash... too much for people to take... a social freak of nature. I could conform... I could've been plastic, fake, etc., but it didn't seem like a good idea either. I was a young man of principle.

And I followed the principle.... right to the conclusion that I would never love anyone, and that no one could ever love me. That I could never trust anyone, ... and I mean for ANYTHING. I thought my own mother was trying to poison my food!

And then things changed. A few people, who now aren't my friends, (probably b/c I was too much for them... see my last entry...) made it a part of their lives to try to make me feel better about the human race. Bless their hearts... I could accept no less than perfection, and I was looking for things to go wrong so that I could point a finger, in order to save myself.

Eventually I melted. I went from thinking that love didn't exist, to "it exists, but I won't have a god damn thing to do with it...", to "ok, maybe I can love, but not for a long time... and there probably isn't anyone who can handle me..." to this current state of pure mushy lovey-dovey goodness.

I've slowly become able to trust people... slowly able to see that some people can love you, and just because they love you, it doesn't mean that they aren't shitty people... heh. It doesnt mean that they won't hurt you. It's all about intentions. Did that person intend to hurt me, or were they just going through the flow of things, and really ticked me off in the process?

So, what this really comes down to, is my current state of affairs compared to what I thought I'd have. Driving home, listening to my leading lady Stevie, I realized that Stevie will always hold a special place in my heart. I mean, I will be able to listen to her tunes from the 70's in the year 2040 with definite nostalgia and feeling. This then made me think of where I'll be then. I pleasantly thought of my life with Laura... who I truly believe and hope will be with me at that point. This is a huge pivotal change in my life.

I went from not thinking that I would ever be able to love someone, to feeling the most intense thing I believe I will ever feel.

And this will always be with me. My life is fulfilled in many ways. All of the bullshit I had to go through, all of the reasons I wanted my life to be over, are now resolved. I'm done. I'm great. I have purpose, and I have someone to share the rest of my life with... a life that I thought sure I didn't want, a life that I didn't end for no good reason (so it seemed to me at the time.)

It seems very strange, that the only reason Im here is so that my parents wouldn't have to clean up a mess... that was how low I was, and now, this.

This goes out to Laura, and of course, all of my friends.... Nate and Sarah, lately you've shown me much love and consideration... and the oldies, Rob, Amanda, Karen, Jared etc.... and in some ways... even you too Mim . But especially Laura. I love you babe... with all the intensity that my heart has to give. Thank you for being in my life.

I'm yours...

Nicholas