tortoiseavenger

Some very important, very lengthy ramblings of mine. Please read:

I guess things are OK. I'm scared, but I'm always scared. I've got something really cool... Something that makes life worth living, something that makes it OK to die now, because in reality, everything that I must have in my life is already done.

But just like anything beautiful, who knows if it will last. I think it will. It's hard. I can't read minds, and I can't always read in between the lines and come to the appropriate conclusions... and sometimes I read in between lines when I'm not supposed to at all. Communication is key... and when there is a ripple in the communication, I freak out... I do that a lot

It's an odd day in the life of a person who's known me for awhile, and finally figures out that underneath my hardened, cynical, sarcastic and crude shell, there lies a person with a huge heart, lots of love, tons of compassion, and a fuckload of emotion... who wants the best for everyone. Lately this part of me has gotten quite the workout. This is of course a little uncomfortable... it's a part of myself that Im not used to showing directly, yet it's important to do so.

Bottom line, I hope that I don't regret any of my decisions in the love area. For years I was pretty sure love didn't exist, and that if it did, I didn't want a damn thing to do with it. Now I must reverse everything I believed, everything I affirmed, and everything I lived by, for something that I have no proof of... just love and trust. Jesus... what a crock of shit.

But, I hope I don't sound mopey, or sappy. I should just sound intense.

Speaking of intense, A little song by my leading lady Stevie Nicks has recently come back into my life. Several months ago, I had a... confrontation with a friend. A friend who after telling me how beautiful I was, how he admired me for my "mental fortitude," and how I was a good person, that he didn't want to be my friend.

I said, "What good is it then? What good are these things if no one can stand them? I feel like I'm this amazing person trapped in flames, and that no one can touch me without burning, and I can touch no one without burning them. They can only stare in some sort of fucked-up awe..."*

And then I heard this song, and heard a song that would change my life. I have never had a song fit this well. Change she to he, herself to himself, and it fits me 100%.

(* roughly quoted)

Running Through the Garden
Stevie Nicks

Until she herself
Became the deadliest poison
As she grew older
Ooh, until she herself
Became just as fatal
As was her garden


And so you run toward
What you know is wrong
There are too many flowers
To cut down
With all the love I have for your life
For the love I have for your life
Turn around...


Never did I mean to (never did I mean to)
Imprison you (imprison you)
Here in my garden (here in my garden)
Like I am imprisoned (like I am imprisoned)
All the love I have for your life
All the love I have for your life
Turn around (turn around)


Until she herself
Understood her garden
Leaving her heart broken,
No future at all
Until she herself
Became the toxic garden
Always frightened,
No future at all


And so you run towards
What you know is wrong
There are too many flowers
To cut down
With all the love I have for your life
With all the love I have for your life
Turn around...


Never did I mean to (never did I mean to)
Imprison you (imprison you)
Here in my garden (here in my garden)
Like I am imprisoned (like I am imprisoned)
All the love I have for your life
All the love I have for your life
Turn around (turn around)


So you run towards
What you know is wrong
But there are too many flowers
To cut down
With all the love I have for your life
With all the love I have for your life
Turn around...


Running through the garden,
I'm running in brilliant colors
I'm running straight toward, straight toward
What you know is really wrong
Too many flowers here to cut down
For the love I have for your life
Turn around


For the love I have (for the love I have)
For the love I have (for the love I have)
Turn around...

__________________________________

So, say something if you'd like. Words of encouragement? I dunno... I've been vague to protect the identity of two people that we all know, speak up if you'd like. I love you guys (with the exception of a few, you know who you are...) and you mean the world to me.

Love,

Tuuurttle