torontokillsme

i have used drugs. sometimes. i used them largely functionally and rarely for pure intoxication. i used them in a self medicating fashion. "getting wasted" no longer holds appeal. I had over 20 years of that, and took it as far as it could go. the high for me is a shift in mood usually from mild to extreme boredom and/or depression to a comfortable state of equilibrium. I realize that drugs are not a solution, that the solution lies in other outlets I have made use of such as exercise, friendships, laughter and meditation. its when I go through periods devoid of these better solutions that i turn to the worse ones.

this past summer i took time away from work and went to rehab. it was an eye opening experience. my use had gotten out of control and i was in bad shape. work paid for the treatment which was 12 step program based. i spent several months post rehab 'working the steps' and continue to do so weekly. addicts are interesting people. statistically above average in intelligence they, we, also tend to suffer from depression or other mental illness as well typically die earlier than the average population. three of the 28 men i was in treatment with had died within 3 months of the 21 day program completing. i don't know how many more have died since. there have been times i felt as if i might die, having used to much or for too long, heart palpitations, blood pressure fluctuations, going for 3-4 day periods without eating or sleeping and dehydration tend to be common place during using cycles.

using for me is largely about control. taking ownership over the substance and my reaction to it. control over the acts required to acquire the substance or substances, the money used to do so and maintaining the functional aspects of life.

i have come close to losing my job, i have lost relationships, friendships, finances, aspects of my health and elements of my esteem from drug use. i don't drink or smoke. i typically use one substance and don't consider marijuana to be a hard drug. i do consider alcohol to be one.

i have come to the end of my road and have made the decision to stop using, to focus on the healthier solutions instead. to find inspiration in life's beauties and ignore life's disappointments.

my user name 'TorontoKillsMe' is in part based on the realities of city life, the work hard play hard culture, the access to intoxicants legal and illegal. the stress of the pace of accelerated culture. the city has in fact made a solid effort to kill me. lots of things have tried to kill me. i have been very fortunate in my life, despite all the disaster i continue to wake and breathe.

my time on this site is in part finding inspiration. through beauty, through community, through friendship.

life is short. too short to make it any shorter. at least that's how i know see it.

why would i write this, tell this? because part of recovery, a foundation of it is honesty. i can't be honest about my realities to all those in my life on a day to day basis, but here i don't feel i will be judged. i can be whoever i am. flawed as i may be. that is a sort of freedom.