tormentedsleep

Before i let you go
Give me just one more night to show you
Just how i feel
I lost all my control
If it takes my whole damnned life i'll
Make this up to you

Im kinda like the waves that roll their whole life
Towards somewhere crashing it on the shore
Thats blown in by the wind that carries the clouds
To hide my wish on a fallen star

A different kind of pain, is someone there to hold you
Is someone there to take you away from me

I tried to let you go
I wish i could turn back time and show
You just how i feel
I needed you to know
If it takes my whole damned life i'll
Make this up to you

Before you let me go, i needed you to know
- cold, a different kind of pain
*********************

i'm feeling a lot better. guess it was just a shitty cold that stuck around a few days to make my life kinda sucky for a few minutes. thankfully, i think it's going away. tommorow morning will probably suck ass, like it always does when i wake up, but whatever.

quick update on me, and what's going on... cause everyday is an adventure with anne elliott.

first good bit of news. my job is going pretty good. actually, i've felt better about that than i have ever. and that's awesome. i'm busy. i'm going to be working with a bunch of other departments, and my probabtion is up, so i feel like i can kinda start over, yah know? i know i've fucked up recently with work, and now i know that i can go back and try to be the best employee i can be. and i'm going to try to keep it going so i can get a good referrence and hopefully one day become a nurse, or something, at ingalls hospital.
i do need another job, cause unfortuanetly this job is not going to keep all my bills paid, especially with the new car, so i will start looking for that this weekend. finding a job that will work with this schedule is goona be kinda hard, though.

my living situation is how it is. i'm living at home, with my parents, john, and kurt, who is going to be moving out sometime in the next few weeks. my parents are making me move into kurt's room which was my room for the first 5 years at this house, so i guess it isn't as bad as being in the room across the hall. atleast i have some good memories there. and i love decorating, so i'm excited about getting down there and putting things in the order that i can. and keeping things clean. right now, i don't really have a place to put any of my shit because john is in the room i've had since before freshman year of high school, so i've been living out of a pile of shit at the bottom of my stairs. good times, right?

my relationship status, is single. holy crap. the last time i was completely, 100 percent not seeing anyone, was early summer of '03. it's hard, it really is. i'm not used to being alone and shit, but i'm learning. slowly, i'm learning. the hardest part is the feelings i still have... but who knows. if i end up being single for a while, it'll be kinda a test for myself to prove that i really don't need anyone to help me. being independent is scary as hell, but i need to learn how to do it. i'm sick of relying on others for my happiness. the pain may be there now, but i know that in a while it will get better. i just gotta give myself time.

friend-wise, i'm doing great.
kinda angry at the current moment, cause i know i'm going to get fucked over, again, by a friend that really meant a lot to me. all because she is being too selfish to see outside the box that her fucking loser ass husband is putting over her eyes.
however, i am greatful for the friends that have stuck by my side through all this stuff...
stacy fucking rocks. she's helping me see things from a chick's perspective, and giving me a bunch of good advice, that i'm learning from. i have a kick ass time hanging out with that chick, and i'm excited about getting to know her better. she's making an effort to hang out with me, and talk to me, and that's wild, cause we're very different people, but i dunno, i have an awesome time with her.

chris is going through a lot of the same shit that i am, and i'm horribly appreciative for him being there to talk to me about all this crap. that kid is fucking such a good guy, and i wish that i could help kelly see what she's giving up by going back to steve. she's making him sick, and making me sick in the process cause she's being so completely self-centered. but thankfully i have chris to hang out with, and the kid will have me around through all this bullshit, too. cause he's a cool kid, and i have a good time with him. i'm thankful that God gave me the oppourtunity to have his friendship back in my life again. i need friends. i really do.
i think we all do.

amber. i love that girl, no matter what. she's a total nut, and i'd like to see her sometime but she's sooo damn busy, and it sucks that we live like completely different schedules. i miss her ass though. i like talking to her, and hearing her opinion on stuff. she's a kick ass girl.

and of course, last but not at all the least, john. he's been around for me a lot lately, and i've extremely greatful that he is putting up with my bullshit and not just telling me to go fuck myself like i was afraid he would. i love that kid more than anything, regardless if we are married or together or whatever. he's a good person, deep down, and i hope that somehow he will always be in my life, regardless of the position. i know i'm probably driving him nuts by moving back in here, and making him deal with me being around all the time, especially while he is trying to do his shit and live his life. but i know that no matter what, i think we'll always be there for each other. atleast i hope it can be that way. i know things will get easier when i get my own area in this house, and i hope that we can learn to co-exist without driving the other mad.

and to all those who i've forgotten... well. you're awesome, and thanks for giving me the time of day during this rough period in my life. seriously.
you guys rock.

other than that, not much is really going on. this weekend should be really cool. i love it, cause i can do whatever the fuck i want, and not worry about what anyone else thinks. that's freaking awesome.

i got a few things that i still need to get resolved, and hopefully soon. my plan for the future is to see what pans out with a relationship, and if nothing happens really by august, i will be going back to school full time.. prolly somewhere close, but not ridiculously close. maybe purdue cal or bloomington???? somewhere like that. cause the idea of starting over from scratch and getting away from the bullshit around here, man... it sounds soo good. i'd love to start over. meet new people. be independent.. or atleast try too. and the best part is, i can concentrate on getting a nursing associates, and hopefully make some kick ass money when i graduate. nothing is holding me back now. i'm goona do it, regardless of the situation.

i know what i want now, with everything, and i will get it. no one can stop me now.


thanks everyone who has been by my side with all this shit. i really really appreciate it. i can't say that enough.