torihoney

just got back from a seminar from work that was a little too 'kumbaya" to be ultimately effective. there's just something to be said about a guest speaker that cries while he is relating a story that illustrated one of his many points. long story short- i broke a board in half with my bare hands... it's probably just because i just watched kill bill vol.2.

i'm nervous to start the next chapter of my life... there are no guarantees, no payoffs in the near future, more than anything i'm taking a leap of faith and hoping for the best. it's hard to know sometimes all that you can do is hold up your end of the bargain, nobody else has to even show up, much less play by the rules...just a very out of control feeling that makes my chest lock up if i examine it too closely..

i wish i could just get over being sad or feeling out of sorts when i overhear one of my old friends on the phone... and she's not even talking to me. what is it about the gulf that widens between two people almost without any time at all, the space that is unbreachable and impossible to stop? if i had any indication that i should fight to stay in someone's life, that i had a purpose or a use to them that no one else quite reached, i probably would muster every extra bit of energy and just prepare for the long road ahead, the one that eventually winds back to where they really live...i just miss her, i miss feeling like i matter, and that i fill a space that no one else gets. i'm not going to have too much time to dwell on the emptiness that resides in me, work is going to creep up too fast... but it's those long drives home that are going to be brutal, and that's what i fear.
sometimes i wonder if one gesture really could solve everything, or if what i'm really afraid of is that one gesture would mean nothing. guess i'm not quite ready to come to grips with that.

question of the day

what is your best childhood memory?

mine is singing fake opera into a wooden spoon with my mom in the kitchen, laughing so hard i thought i was going to puke. (my mom was recently divorced, and didn't smile much in that period of time, so it sparkles pretty brightly in my memory). making dinner always seemed like the cosiest time of the day, when you didn't have to say much, you just felt good about what you were doing and whom you were with.