One day I'll have a nice, happy blog. One day.
So as I previously mentioned, I suffer from depression. And it's not getting better. Tomorrow I leave on a trip to the midwest, apparently, because we've never been there and couldn't decide where else to go. I do not want to go on this trip, but my best friend is so excited. People at work royally pissed me off today and I am just over everything.
I probably should be on an antidepressant, but I just don't want to be medicated. I know there is a chemical imbalance with serotonin, blah, blah, blah. I was a psych major. I just don't want to be controlled by drugs.
I'm getting to the point where things outside of my control (or even outside of my business - things that have nothing to do with me) piss me off or upset me and I HATE when I get like this. It's unbearable for me, but I can't let things go.
I used to be a self-injurer. I did it for 10 years, from the time I was 8 until I was 18. What actually made me stop was doing a report, my senior project, on self-injury. I read all these accounts of the people, the extremes they went to, and knew I had to stop. Granted, what I did was minor compared to the others, but I didn't want to get that bad. I did have a few relapses up until I was about 20, but I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I cut. There have been times when I've really wanted to, but I didn't. I have, however, gone to other destructive behaviors at times when I get out of control, but I won't go into that.
I just want to be happy. I can't even be happy for other people because I can't find happiness for myself. That's sounds so fucking cliche, I know.
I guess I just need to go back to therapy...
So as I previously mentioned, I suffer from depression. And it's not getting better. Tomorrow I leave on a trip to the midwest, apparently, because we've never been there and couldn't decide where else to go. I do not want to go on this trip, but my best friend is so excited. People at work royally pissed me off today and I am just over everything.
I probably should be on an antidepressant, but I just don't want to be medicated. I know there is a chemical imbalance with serotonin, blah, blah, blah. I was a psych major. I just don't want to be controlled by drugs.
I'm getting to the point where things outside of my control (or even outside of my business - things that have nothing to do with me) piss me off or upset me and I HATE when I get like this. It's unbearable for me, but I can't let things go.
I used to be a self-injurer. I did it for 10 years, from the time I was 8 until I was 18. What actually made me stop was doing a report, my senior project, on self-injury. I read all these accounts of the people, the extremes they went to, and knew I had to stop. Granted, what I did was minor compared to the others, but I didn't want to get that bad. I did have a few relapses up until I was about 20, but I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I cut. There have been times when I've really wanted to, but I didn't. I have, however, gone to other destructive behaviors at times when I get out of control, but I won't go into that.
I just want to be happy. I can't even be happy for other people because I can't find happiness for myself. That's sounds so fucking cliche, I know.
I guess I just need to go back to therapy...