Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
I hate the fact that these blogs have turned into me bitching all the time, but this is seriously getting ridiculous. I talked to my dad today. He went to the hospital for an MRI and as it turns out he needs surgery on his back and leg, but he can't get in until late November. This means that he can't work for a long time, and my family is basically fucked since we're already in debt up our ass. My mom only works a part time job and my sister, who lives at home, doesn't bring any income into the house. I don't even have the money to take the GRE by the time I'd have to to apply to grad schools, so I guess that's going to have to go on hold for at least a year. It also means that probably after I graduate, I'll have to move back home and work my ass off to help pull my family out of this hole we're getting in as well as start to pay off my student loans. Not to mention the fact that my car is having problems and my sisters car just died, so that's more money that's going to disappear.
This sucks. Seriously, if I could think of a way to kill myself and leave no trace whatsoever (so my family wouldn't have to pay for a funeral or anything), i'd seriously consider it. I'm not kidding. Everything just keeps getting worse and worse. I have to quit smoking. I should quit drinking. I don't want to quit either, but I really should. The problem with that is if I quit all that stuff now, then... well... I don't know if I'll be sure of who I am anymore. If the things we do define who we are, then if I were to stop doing those things (ok, definitely more the smoking than the drinking; I'm not an alcoholic).
I'm tired, frustrated, close to alone, and very near the end of my rope. I'm not about to off myself, but unless something good happens soon, I might have to quite literally tear myself apart, dismantle myself piece by piece until there's nothing left of the me there is now.
Dammit all to hell.
[note: started listening to The Builders and The Butchers. awesome band]
I hate the fact that these blogs have turned into me bitching all the time, but this is seriously getting ridiculous. I talked to my dad today. He went to the hospital for an MRI and as it turns out he needs surgery on his back and leg, but he can't get in until late November. This means that he can't work for a long time, and my family is basically fucked since we're already in debt up our ass. My mom only works a part time job and my sister, who lives at home, doesn't bring any income into the house. I don't even have the money to take the GRE by the time I'd have to to apply to grad schools, so I guess that's going to have to go on hold for at least a year. It also means that probably after I graduate, I'll have to move back home and work my ass off to help pull my family out of this hole we're getting in as well as start to pay off my student loans. Not to mention the fact that my car is having problems and my sisters car just died, so that's more money that's going to disappear.
This sucks. Seriously, if I could think of a way to kill myself and leave no trace whatsoever (so my family wouldn't have to pay for a funeral or anything), i'd seriously consider it. I'm not kidding. Everything just keeps getting worse and worse. I have to quit smoking. I should quit drinking. I don't want to quit either, but I really should. The problem with that is if I quit all that stuff now, then... well... I don't know if I'll be sure of who I am anymore. If the things we do define who we are, then if I were to stop doing those things (ok, definitely more the smoking than the drinking; I'm not an alcoholic).
I'm tired, frustrated, close to alone, and very near the end of my rope. I'm not about to off myself, but unless something good happens soon, I might have to quite literally tear myself apart, dismantle myself piece by piece until there's nothing left of the me there is now.
Dammit all to hell.
[note: started listening to The Builders and The Butchers. awesome band]
user209834982:
I'm so sorry Hun. Putting grad school on hold for a year isn't the most terrible thing in the world, and you can get loans deferred if you are having financial hardship. Seriously, let me know if you need anything, even if it's just a temporary distraction.