I had an amazing day today.
mini golf, ice cream, a long walk at the resivoir and dam, then in the old train tunnel.
it was super beautiful outside.
I spent the day with an "ex". I really enjoyed his company. this freaks me out a bit. I lost trust for him when it "ended" between us. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I don't know if I want to trust him again.
he's a fucking blast to be around though. I truely enjoy myself whenever I'm with him. I have to decide where I want to let this go.
this makes me laugh:
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guess who can't sleep...yup...me!!!
my brain is going over active with all sorts of thoughts.
I keep thinking about my "sweetie" well now the man formerly known as my sweetie.
the first 2 months were amazing, then the last few weeks he'd been pushing me away.
I keep trying to figure out where it went wrong. I really liked him...waaay too much maybe. I adore his son. I dunno. I wonder if in my attempts not to show him how much I care so we wouldn't get too involved and I wouldn't get hurt again if I went too far. does that make sense?
here in my cave woman translation:
me like man too much.
me pretend not to like him that much
me say stupid things to keep pretending believable.
me no like to get hurt
me end up alone again
me tired of stupid life
ok...anyways....so onto what else sucks about all of this:
I feel like he never even knew me. god...of all the guuys I've been friends with or dated I'd say he knows the least about me out of anyone. its true I told him lots of things. I shared lots of memories with him. but all in all I never completely opened up to him. so I'm wondering why I never did that?
is it because I'm sick of being hurt? did I anticipate the demise of it all? I dunno.
I did realize though the entire relationship seemed to be based around him. his house, his movies, his music, his son, his schedule, his moods. if he wanted me over I was over, if he didn't then I wasn't invited over.
we went the places he wanted to go, saw the movies he wanted. nearly everything we did was his plans.
there were a few things we did that I wanted to do or initiated...swimming a couple of times, a couple of concerts...but for the most part it was all him.
ya know I really don't feel like I got to know the true person inside him either. I adored the person I knew, the one he showed to me.
what makes me sad.....
I gave him a card saying how I felt, brief and to the point. that he had pushed me away and that I didn't feel wanted so I was leaving him alone.
do you think he's called or anything since Sunday??? NOPE!!!
not even a phone call saying he's sorry.
saying its true
saying I'm wrong
saying anything.
thats what hurts the most
the lack of closeure. its like I'm so insignificant that the past 3 months meant so little to him that he can't even acknowledge anything good, bad or otherwise about it. about me.
nothing is insignificant
no one should ever be made to feel insignificant.
and thats how he's made me feel.
to think that one of the best summers of my life meant so little to the person that I shared it with, feels like my insides are being ripped out. like the air is being sucked out of my body.
I have no more words on that right now.
today I spent time with an ex, he wants to try again. part of me needs him right now to keep my sanity, the other part warns be about how much he hurt me before. I can't allow myself to get hurt by him again. there's no fucking way in hell I'm going throught that again. right now feeling him hold me close and kiss my forhead makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. that I can make it throught another day. hearing him say he's sorry about the past also helps a bit too.
I dunno I have too much shit swimming around in my head...its 3 fucking am and I'm still wide awake. I have to get up in 4 hours.
I need to decide if I can go for coffee and walk past his work...if I'm going to go in and say hi or keep walking. just the sight of him melts my heart and gives me a funny feeling in my belly...it has since the first day I saw him working in that store...and I almost died the first day he spoke to me, my nerves were freaking out...I don't even get that nervous getting pulled over by the cops, or meeting famous people....yet everything about him blew me away. maybe thats what it was....I was so busy trying to keep composed that I never really relaxed and was myself.
FUUUUCK why am I up!!! why can't I just sleep like a normal fucking person...why didn't I take the sleeping pills at 11:30? why did I think tonight would be the night that maybe I could sleep???
blah! I'm off to surf the internet....
mini golf, ice cream, a long walk at the resivoir and dam, then in the old train tunnel.
it was super beautiful outside.
I spent the day with an "ex". I really enjoyed his company. this freaks me out a bit. I lost trust for him when it "ended" between us. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I don't know if I want to trust him again.
he's a fucking blast to be around though. I truely enjoy myself whenever I'm with him. I have to decide where I want to let this go.
this makes me laugh:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
guess who can't sleep...yup...me!!!
my brain is going over active with all sorts of thoughts.
I keep thinking about my "sweetie" well now the man formerly known as my sweetie.
the first 2 months were amazing, then the last few weeks he'd been pushing me away.
I keep trying to figure out where it went wrong. I really liked him...waaay too much maybe. I adore his son. I dunno. I wonder if in my attempts not to show him how much I care so we wouldn't get too involved and I wouldn't get hurt again if I went too far. does that make sense?
here in my cave woman translation:
me like man too much.
me pretend not to like him that much
me say stupid things to keep pretending believable.
me no like to get hurt
me end up alone again
me tired of stupid life
ok...anyways....so onto what else sucks about all of this:
I feel like he never even knew me. god...of all the guuys I've been friends with or dated I'd say he knows the least about me out of anyone. its true I told him lots of things. I shared lots of memories with him. but all in all I never completely opened up to him. so I'm wondering why I never did that?
is it because I'm sick of being hurt? did I anticipate the demise of it all? I dunno.
I did realize though the entire relationship seemed to be based around him. his house, his movies, his music, his son, his schedule, his moods. if he wanted me over I was over, if he didn't then I wasn't invited over.
we went the places he wanted to go, saw the movies he wanted. nearly everything we did was his plans.
there were a few things we did that I wanted to do or initiated...swimming a couple of times, a couple of concerts...but for the most part it was all him.
ya know I really don't feel like I got to know the true person inside him either. I adored the person I knew, the one he showed to me.
what makes me sad.....
I gave him a card saying how I felt, brief and to the point. that he had pushed me away and that I didn't feel wanted so I was leaving him alone.
do you think he's called or anything since Sunday??? NOPE!!!
not even a phone call saying he's sorry.
saying its true
saying I'm wrong
saying anything.
thats what hurts the most
the lack of closeure. its like I'm so insignificant that the past 3 months meant so little to him that he can't even acknowledge anything good, bad or otherwise about it. about me.
nothing is insignificant
no one should ever be made to feel insignificant.
and thats how he's made me feel.
to think that one of the best summers of my life meant so little to the person that I shared it with, feels like my insides are being ripped out. like the air is being sucked out of my body.
I have no more words on that right now.
today I spent time with an ex, he wants to try again. part of me needs him right now to keep my sanity, the other part warns be about how much he hurt me before. I can't allow myself to get hurt by him again. there's no fucking way in hell I'm going throught that again. right now feeling him hold me close and kiss my forhead makes me feel like everything is going to be ok. that I can make it throught another day. hearing him say he's sorry about the past also helps a bit too.
I dunno I have too much shit swimming around in my head...its 3 fucking am and I'm still wide awake. I have to get up in 4 hours.
I need to decide if I can go for coffee and walk past his work...if I'm going to go in and say hi or keep walking. just the sight of him melts my heart and gives me a funny feeling in my belly...it has since the first day I saw him working in that store...and I almost died the first day he spoke to me, my nerves were freaking out...I don't even get that nervous getting pulled over by the cops, or meeting famous people....yet everything about him blew me away. maybe thats what it was....I was so busy trying to keep composed that I never really relaxed and was myself.
FUUUUCK why am I up!!! why can't I just sleep like a normal fucking person...why didn't I take the sleeping pills at 11:30? why did I think tonight would be the night that maybe I could sleep???
blah! I'm off to surf the internet....
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
Seriously, I understand it sucks that things didn't work out with you and your (former)sweetie. But you were expressing doubts a while ago because of the whole children thing... don't lose sight of what you want. It sounds really stupid, but I do believe these things happen for a reason. Maybe deep down, you knew this wasn't quite right. Or he's just a dumbass.
And I *love* that Element ad you posted... that's my car!!