I fell ass over elbows for this guy, I don't even know how it happened.
the problem is now he has this twisted perception of who I am and what I stand for. I feel like I'm always being judged...everything I say, do, or have done in the past...its all up for judgement.
when I was his age I was an entirely different person. I've lived my life and experienced all kinds of things. I was much more repressed about soo many things when I was younger. there was a few "adverterous" things I'd do. but for the most part I was very conservative. I still have conservative views on many things. (I refuse to have a child out of wedlock, and I've never been intimate in any way with anyone I didn't really like....there's many many more things too, but just to give you an idea)
so over the years I've swayed between being repressed or conservative and being crazy, off the wall and adventerous. since my divorce I've been living it up a bit more. its been a weird thing actually, part of me was devastated by the end of my marraige...call in the ultra conservative girl who was only going to get married once to her true love and work through the good and bad times...sickness and health...yadda yadda yadda. the other part wanted to out and have fun. drink away the pain. the lonliness. I want to live life and enjoy it. I don't want to leave anything undone. I never want to have regrets about not trying something, or experiencing something. obviously there are limits. I have my own just like other people have their own limits. I would never use any hardcore drugs...where as some people would and do.
I hate when people take 1 part of my life and dwell on it too. just because I talk about 1 thing 1 time doesn't mean it happens every day. I get this all the time. my marraige counselor had this idea that all I did is drink and party.
I go out on average of 1 night a week to a club...some weeks I got out 2 (or 3 at the most) nights. sometimes I don't go out for several weeks or months. it all depends. so if I go out 1 night...do the other 6 nights of the week not count?
hmmm...lets see....I do yoga 1 night a week....thats non-negotiable...I'm there no matter what. does that make me an overly spiritual person? I don't think so. do I love it??? hell yeah! I wouldn't give it up for anything. I work later 2 nights of the week and a total of 5 days...about 40 hrs.....oh my...I must be a work-a-holic!
and I shop...I love shoes, clothes, stuff for the house, and I love a good sale...hmmm, I must be thrifty...and a shop a holic.
I treat myself to a massage or pedicure from time to time, I must be a spoiled pampered high maintenance brat.
and I walk the dogs 2, 3,4, or sometimes 5 or 6 times a day....stop me I'm outta control obsessed with walking my dogs. I clean my house everyday...there's always laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting....and more to do....does that make me a clean freak??? damn I must be a lousy clean freak.
I volunteer for a cat shelter....awww shit...you got me...I am obsessed with cats...and I work for free. I must be one of those do-gooder people.
I belong to the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) I go to meetings and help with fundraising...yeah its my uber-conservative "old lady" group....I'm 33 and they consider me a "junior" member. our motto is: "GOD, HOME & COUNTRY...what does that say about me?
I love to cook, whenever I have free time I love to whip up a meal from my imagination...no recipees, no guidelines...just pure kamakazi cooking. sometimes its great...sometimes I have to get take out or make mac & cheese or something else...oh...does that mean I'm gi-normous? yeah...i must be since I cook and eat my own food.
crap...I like to eat out sometimes too....yep....I AM gi-normous.
I'm hooked on several tv shows...I must be a couch potato.
I play on the computer...does that make me a geek? or a perv addicted to porn? both I guess.
I've decided that I want fresh flowers in my house as often as possible. they're pretty and make me happy. and I like to attenpt keeping plants alive and planting flowers in my yard...I must be really into gardening.
I had been attending auctions on a weekly basis, I'd buy artwork, china, pottery, crystal and other antique type things, and various other things that caught my eyes.....does that make me an antique dealer...a collector.... hmmm I wonder?
I like to hike a mountain in southern NH at least once a year...I must be really into nature.
and I climb trees from time to time, am I a monkey?
I take pictures....sometimes of people...sometimes of things...sometimes of something that strikes me as odd. I must be into photography.
someday I want to:
skydive
learn to ride a motorcycle and get a bike
learn to speak another language or 2, and be fluent enough to hold a conversation
find someone to spend the rest of my life with and have a family
travel all over the USA and see everything I've wanted to see
travel to Europe & other places...see France, Italy, Spain, Germany, England, Ireland, Australia, and so many more places.
I really want to go to the museums in France. I've been to local ones and they amaze me.
theres so much more that I can't even think of right now.
I've done so much in my life and sometimes I wonder if I truely regret some of the things I've said or done....and while I regret many things..I honestly wouldn't change very much at all. I am who I am because of the choices I've made in my life...its my life and I own it....good, bad...or otherwise. I'm sorry for hurting anyone along the way, it has never been my intentions to cause anyone hurt or pain.
I know that in the future the choices I make have good or bad consequences. I don't expect everyone to approve of me, my life, my choices, what I say, do and stand for. but if you are going to be a part of my life you need to accept me...
I am who I am.
on that note...my back is still spasming and I;m gonna pop an asload of pilla dn head to bed...I'm hella overtired, anyone who read this whole thing reward yourself with the treat of your choice, may I suggest a brownie and chocolate milk?
the problem is now he has this twisted perception of who I am and what I stand for. I feel like I'm always being judged...everything I say, do, or have done in the past...its all up for judgement.
when I was his age I was an entirely different person. I've lived my life and experienced all kinds of things. I was much more repressed about soo many things when I was younger. there was a few "adverterous" things I'd do. but for the most part I was very conservative. I still have conservative views on many things. (I refuse to have a child out of wedlock, and I've never been intimate in any way with anyone I didn't really like....there's many many more things too, but just to give you an idea)
so over the years I've swayed between being repressed or conservative and being crazy, off the wall and adventerous. since my divorce I've been living it up a bit more. its been a weird thing actually, part of me was devastated by the end of my marraige...call in the ultra conservative girl who was only going to get married once to her true love and work through the good and bad times...sickness and health...yadda yadda yadda. the other part wanted to out and have fun. drink away the pain. the lonliness. I want to live life and enjoy it. I don't want to leave anything undone. I never want to have regrets about not trying something, or experiencing something. obviously there are limits. I have my own just like other people have their own limits. I would never use any hardcore drugs...where as some people would and do.
I hate when people take 1 part of my life and dwell on it too. just because I talk about 1 thing 1 time doesn't mean it happens every day. I get this all the time. my marraige counselor had this idea that all I did is drink and party.
I go out on average of 1 night a week to a club...some weeks I got out 2 (or 3 at the most) nights. sometimes I don't go out for several weeks or months. it all depends. so if I go out 1 night...do the other 6 nights of the week not count?
hmmm...lets see....I do yoga 1 night a week....thats non-negotiable...I'm there no matter what. does that make me an overly spiritual person? I don't think so. do I love it??? hell yeah! I wouldn't give it up for anything. I work later 2 nights of the week and a total of 5 days...about 40 hrs.....oh my...I must be a work-a-holic!
and I shop...I love shoes, clothes, stuff for the house, and I love a good sale...hmmm, I must be thrifty...and a shop a holic.
I treat myself to a massage or pedicure from time to time, I must be a spoiled pampered high maintenance brat.
and I walk the dogs 2, 3,4, or sometimes 5 or 6 times a day....stop me I'm outta control obsessed with walking my dogs. I clean my house everyday...there's always laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting....and more to do....does that make me a clean freak??? damn I must be a lousy clean freak.
I volunteer for a cat shelter....awww shit...you got me...I am obsessed with cats...and I work for free. I must be one of those do-gooder people.
I belong to the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) I go to meetings and help with fundraising...yeah its my uber-conservative "old lady" group....I'm 33 and they consider me a "junior" member. our motto is: "GOD, HOME & COUNTRY...what does that say about me?
I love to cook, whenever I have free time I love to whip up a meal from my imagination...no recipees, no guidelines...just pure kamakazi cooking. sometimes its great...sometimes I have to get take out or make mac & cheese or something else...oh...does that mean I'm gi-normous? yeah...i must be since I cook and eat my own food.
crap...I like to eat out sometimes too....yep....I AM gi-normous.
I'm hooked on several tv shows...I must be a couch potato.
I play on the computer...does that make me a geek? or a perv addicted to porn? both I guess.
I've decided that I want fresh flowers in my house as often as possible. they're pretty and make me happy. and I like to attenpt keeping plants alive and planting flowers in my yard...I must be really into gardening.
I had been attending auctions on a weekly basis, I'd buy artwork, china, pottery, crystal and other antique type things, and various other things that caught my eyes.....does that make me an antique dealer...a collector.... hmmm I wonder?
I like to hike a mountain in southern NH at least once a year...I must be really into nature.
and I climb trees from time to time, am I a monkey?
I take pictures....sometimes of people...sometimes of things...sometimes of something that strikes me as odd. I must be into photography.
someday I want to:
skydive
learn to ride a motorcycle and get a bike
learn to speak another language or 2, and be fluent enough to hold a conversation
find someone to spend the rest of my life with and have a family
travel all over the USA and see everything I've wanted to see
travel to Europe & other places...see France, Italy, Spain, Germany, England, Ireland, Australia, and so many more places.
I really want to go to the museums in France. I've been to local ones and they amaze me.
theres so much more that I can't even think of right now.
I've done so much in my life and sometimes I wonder if I truely regret some of the things I've said or done....and while I regret many things..I honestly wouldn't change very much at all. I am who I am because of the choices I've made in my life...its my life and I own it....good, bad...or otherwise. I'm sorry for hurting anyone along the way, it has never been my intentions to cause anyone hurt or pain.
I know that in the future the choices I make have good or bad consequences. I don't expect everyone to approve of me, my life, my choices, what I say, do and stand for. but if you are going to be a part of my life you need to accept me...
I am who I am.
on that note...my back is still spasming and I;m gonna pop an asload of pilla dn head to bed...I'm hella overtired, anyone who read this whole thing reward yourself with the treat of your choice, may I suggest a brownie and chocolate milk?
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
Wow! I can't believe how much you do! I am IMPRESSED and jealous because of what you described that means I am just gi-normous and a shop-alic!