tomosnemesis

now that's neat
the excitement has died down exponentially and i have to admit i'm left feeling really empty. i'm still waiting on my truck and trying to come up with another plan in the even that this guy bails...like he always does. i need to go get some official crap and then i'll be workin Le Girls, probably begin monday if at all possible. so i'm dirt broke and drinking again. a lot. i've been known to have a few with the roomie every now and then, but last night i didn't even bother with her while i drank the two shots of brandy we had left and then several beers, passing out somewhere around 6 am. but i wasn't happy. i was reading, hauling ass through books actually. and worried about my future. all i have left is reserved for school. but if work isn't good at the club, then i'm going to be forced to touch that, and probably take a semester off. which would be bad, because i won't go back. angela and i are getting along really well lately despite my moodiness. my friends are as awesome as ever. and phil continues to pull me into that void of forgetting who i am. a year ago, i was sure of myself, tough and even a bit dark. david managed to soften it a little, make me a little more unsure of my role in life...and then we split and i fell apart. and here i am trying to redefine myself, trying to maintain my identity, just trying to get by. and then there's phil. he's a kinky, socially inept jock of a closet homo...and he can render me not only speechless but also defensive just by the way he looks at me. not that i'd know from recent history, however. i haven't seen him in weeks and i'm fairly certain he's done with me...or at least the purpose i served for him, that he was also supposed to serve for me. so i attempted to write last night and ended up burning everything i had attempted out on the balcony and crying before finally falling asleep. i don't know exactly why i cried, other than i needed to. i woke up later than usual this afternoon. the night having done nothing to soothe my mood. i searched the house for a drink and settled on a cigarette. self destruction. it's kind of always been there since i was a small girl. an urge to smash my own hands in door jambs and run out in front of speeding vehicles. and i'm not sure why. heaven (that doesn't exist) knows that my life has not always been desperate or even unkind. i have a little bit of happiness, not all has been shocked away by electricity or by life in general. but it would be nice to share an affection with someone. to wake up next to that person without worrying about my wellbeing. without the dread of another day, week, month, year aging on my life without accomplishment or even happiness.