tommytwotone

pain
pain its something I have to live with and deal with the rest of my life and I am not talking about oh I get a migraine once a week I mean constant pain and then there are really bad days like today this is the longest I have been out of bed all day using my cane to walk five steps to the bathroom keeping my son home from school because I could not get him ready this morning using to many drugs just to keep tears away all because I have caught a cold and started coughing last night try to cough and not flex your back muscles you cant then once they got tight they started flaring up the nerves in my back to where I couldn't even breath my hole body would shake in pain if some one would have asked me ten years ago if I think I could handle pain like this I would have said no I would have rather die five years ago I might have said maybe and one year ago I think I would have said I hope I don't have to what is in my future I cant even imagine

x-fest was last weekend I always go I look foreword to it every year this year we sold our tickets I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the pain of being out all day or even part it would have been to much so check off another thing my back keeps me from doing my friends though I know they didn't mean any harm but once it got out I wasn't going they started calling and tried to make me go like oh since you called ya Ill go I will just forget about the knife that is sticking in my back and hip and go so you have me there to hang out with all it really does though is rub salt in my wounds I really wanted to take Pammy this year also I have meet so many of her friends and she has only met mine at there work not at any function except one he comes by now and then he even sold our tickets for us he picked them up and the next day dropped off the money hes a great Pearson I have tried to get him to join SG so if he ever does his name is CJ please except him as a friend if he ever gets around to joining that is I guess my depression is getting better you would think what has been happening would bring me down there is even a lot more I haven't even said like my daughter forgetting I am still alive and gets mad if I would ask for help at all or that I have to re lie on so many other people just to exist it has to be Pammy she is just so good to me and she takes care of me when I hurt but I see how hard it is on her it hurts me even more just because she has to do so much for me its really not fare to her I love her so much I don't want to lose her over my back she makes me smile just being in the room with her she is the most wonderful woman I have ever met and drop dead gorges I still cant believe I get to go to bed with her every night she catches me staring sometimes and she asks why finally I asked her would you ask me why I stared at a beautiful sun set she said no than why do you ask why I am staring at something more beautiful than any sun set I have ever seen then she turned and hid her face now she when she see's me staring and asks I tell her I am looking at the sunset I love her so much have I said that already if I have sorry but I do love her she takes my breath away she worms my heart you know that feeling you get when your kid comes out of no where and gives you a hug for no reason and it makes you feel all worm inside I have never felt that way with any one else in my life except with Pammy even today I got up tried to make it to the kitchen to hug her she met me half way just for that feeling it was my highlight of my day a hug from the woman I love there is nothing better well I know I have rambled on and on just cant sleep than you for reading we love ya all and for the ones that know where we live now you are welcome to come by any time just call first so that I know to get dressed hahah
Tommy