tommylobotomy

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Where to begin? Things are not good right now. after being engaged for about five years I am now spending my third night alone as a single man again. Soon I will be leaving Portland to return to Colorado Springs.

For those of you who need some back story (like anyone is reading this anyway), I moved to Portland about two months ago with my fiance. She had a job offer here and we wanted to get away from Colorado Springs. There was however one hitch to this plan. By moving to Portland I was leaving behind all of my friends and family and my band. At the time, the band was taking a temporary sabbatical anyhow due to lineup changes and until we could all get our lives in order.

However, after moving to Portland, it became progressively more and more obvious that I was not adjusting well. It's hard for me to be alone in a new city without any friends and without any creative outlet. Additionally, I am not exactly a people-person. I'm not a very social creature. And making new friends has never been something I could do very quickly or easily.

For more details about my difficulties in adjusting to my new life in Portland see my first journal entry.

Anyway, while I was progreesively sinking further and further into abject loneliness, misery, and artistic dissatisfaction, my fiance found her new life to be exciting and rewarding. She has made several new friends and really likes it here.

It's hard in a brief entry to fully explain the occurances that led to this entry. In a nutshell, my chosen lifestyle is in a state of constant flux and transition. As a musician, I cannot easily get too settled into one place because I must be able to go where I may find opportunity. My band has been planning for a very long time to move to Los Angeles. My fiance, however, or ex-fiance I should say...is tired of living a life that constantly revolves around the needs of the band. She is sick of constantly being in a state of transition. She wants to start a life for herself where she can make lasting friendships and settle into a niche. I must also add that this is a very understandable position. And in all honesty I admire her patience in dealing with the band and the intrusions it has caused in her life. When we originally moved to Colorado, it was not where she wanted to be. I took her away from her friends and family and she was pretty utterably miserable for the entire two years we spent there. I felt that I was returning the favor when I decided to put her needs first and move to Portland.

However, she can not handle watching me become more depressed and disatisfied with my life each passing day. She feels guilty and it makes her angry at both me and herself.

Two days ago, she suggested...well decided...that we needed to go our seperate ways. That our lives are moving in opposite directions and the only way we would be able to stay together is for one of us to give up our dreams and follow the other person's life. She feels that in the long run, this will only cause resentment. She is probably right. But it doesn't make it any easier...

anyway, my brother (also the bassist in my band) is coming on Friday to pick me up and take me home. From there we will be moving to California in hopefully about a month. Until then I share a house with someone who I love very much but can not touch. My feelings for her are constantly fluctuating from tenderness to rage. I want to comfort her and at the same time I want to hurt her the same way she has hurt me.

This will pass...

I need to leave very soon. The worst part about this is that she is my best friend and I can't talk to her about this the way I need to. I have no friends here. No shoulder to cry on. No one to say things to that I know that I really don't mean but need to say anyway. I've been through two phone cards in two days just because I need to hear another voice. She is sort of staying with friends. Trying to stay out of my way. It's very quiet here.

She calls and come by now and then to check up on me. I think she's afraid I'm going to hurt myself. I'd be lying if I said that I haven't thought about it. But I know in the end I will never follow through. I could not put that much grief and guilt on her. I could not subject my friends and family to that. Also, I know that in time I will heal.

It's already getting easier. I only had two major breakdowns today. Each day hurts a little less.

Anyway, I have a lot of packing to do and very little time to do it in.