tommyjohn

I'm sorry for all these huge posts, but i'm just on a roll. It's ironic that i write this warning to you, because i'm pretty sure nobody ever reads these anyways, let alone consistently. Pshhhh...oh well.



my foot is freezing right now...i can't really feel it. It's a good thing though because it's about twice it's original size and blue. Yup, I hurt myself again. I got drunk at a party on Friday night and kicked a frozen punching bag while i was outside takin a wiz under a deck. I've just been able to walk without crutches tonight. This is a perfect example of why i hate getting drunk. I enjoy me a good buzz every now and then, but any more than that and i change. I either become a complete and total blithering idiot and say or do some of the dumbest most embarrassing/damning things or i get really depressed, don't talk to anyone and hide in my car listening to angry music. I hate that....i really do.

So this is kind of a weird time in my life right now. The past week or so has been.....interesting...to say the least. Now i know none of you can notice this, but i'm going through some changes. I think my friend put it well..."Tom, you're acting weird lately". I had a stunning realization that i'm going nowhere in all aspects of my life. The only thing that was keeping me going was marijuana and martial arts...which contradict each other...so i figure that needs to change. I haven't smoked in a week or so (amazing considering i smoked every day for about 3 years) and i don't see myself starting back up anytime soon. I need to clean my system and clear my clouded mind. I've pretty much been a piece of lowlife shit this past year or so. I haven't had a job since november, i sleep till like 2pm everyday and i haven't paid a lot of my bills on time. I found it hard to do anything entertaining without smoking, even if it's something that should be entertaining enough without it. That kinda scared me. That's changing though. One of many changes i've assured myself that's gonna stick. I found a job. i'm gonna work at the outback steakhouse that's opening in Enfield and i plan on working landscaping in the mornings before it opens. The plan is to start saving some money and throwing it in a Roth IRA (if that's how it's spelled). I need to stop living in the now and start thinking about my future. I'm a 21 year old who still lives with his parents and went to a 2 year community college for 4 years and still didn't finish. I noticed that i'm becoming the trash that i laugh at while watching COPS. I've been going through life trying to figure out what i want to "do". It's been tough, trying to choose a career, but i think i need to buckle down and just choose something and run with it. I'm contimplating a career in teaching...probably in the science field. If i really put my mind to it i could easily make it though a real college. I've just never really tried, and i'm a dumbass for it. I'm a horrible procrastinator and that's numero uno on my "fix your shit" list.

All these quiet contimplation and realization has made me go through an emotional rollercoaster as of late. One minute i'm horribly depressed, the other i'm thrilled to be alive. It's weird and i can't explain or predict it. Being drunk just amplifies it. I was angry when i was drunk on Friday...so angry that i screamed at some of my friends for just asking me what was wrong. That's not me...and i'm not happy that i did that. My friends are great people and i cherish every single one of them, whether they know it or not. It's gonna be weird....and it may seem like i'm being more distant or cold or something, but I care about everyone, no matter how close of a friend they are.

I think i'm just gonna give up on Ashley, the girl i kinda like. The whole mixed emotions thing has permiated to my thoughts on her as well. I've called her and instant messaged her a few times in the past week or so to no answer. No replies to my voicemails that just say, "hey, call me when you get this" or any instant message asking how things have been. It's really annoying and honestly pisses me off. Show me the respect of an answer...even one i might not wanna hear. I don't care if you don't wanna talk to me, tell me that and i'll leave you alone. I just hate the uncertainty. I don't know what to think about it and i tear myself apart wondering what it is that i may have done wrong or whatever. To make matters even worse, she called me today. She didn't want to talk or hang out or anything. She called because her bathroom flooded and leaked down onto a pool table and thought (for a reason beyond my comprehension) that i would know what to do to keep it from being ruined. I quote..."U no a lot so I figured I'd ask u". I gladly helped as i would never turn down anyone who needs help, no matter who it would be. I at first thought of it as a good sign. "Cool, she thought to call me for help". But again, emotional rollercoaster hit and i got to thinking again. She won't call me back when i ask how things have been or to see if she wants hang out, but she'll call me when she needs something, knowledge or not. That thought process almost got me angry. So now i'm torn...i just don't know what to think. It was probably doomed from the start anyways. She's a vegetarian pothead that loves peaceful bands that i've never heard of. I'm a man who wants nothing more than a steaming hunk of cow, trying to quit smoking, and i love metal and rock. That's just a few of the things that come to mind. So again, i don't fuckin know. Life is just too damn confusing right now for me to throw another variable in. I know i wrote that whole shpiel about girls last time and it's one of the biggest factors in my "problems", but i just can't deal with everything at once right now. Who knows....