toflo2

randoms

all of this is just random pontifications on random things... if thats too redundant then i apoligize, i dont mean to repeat myself, i just sometimes do...

i went into Best Buy the other day and i spoke to the salesman about webcams which is a strange experience. because no matter what your reason for purchasing a webcam you kind of feel like you are using it for web cam sex. i mean my friend john (real name not used) uses it to talk to his daughter but probably uses it for web cam sex as well. you might have friends from all over the world (as i do) but as you stand there attempting to ask real questions about web cams with the salespeople you know they are thinking "this perv is wasting my time". the funny thing is im sure ill use it for webcam sex at some point, i mean why not if you have it. so part of me just wants to joke with the sales person "i got this girl who wants to get down on cam, naaahmean" but i dont think that would go over well... so alas im left to feel like a pervert regardless of the fact if webcam sex is my actual intention... i also discovered that mac doesnt sell isight anymore because they include cams in all their shit now.. wtf! so now i have to find something mac compatible which apparently Best Buy doesnt carry... fuck it, i was only gonna use it for webcam sex anyway...

i havent had sex in seven months.. its true... true story.. my mother visited for three days.. i slept on the couch. which is fine, i mean im not gonna make my mom sleep on a futon when i have a queen sized bed in my room. what kind of asshole would do that? (if you are an asshole out there who does then please let me know so i can properly slap you in your face, in a pleasant way). anyway, she left this morning and i was gonna go research Rockaway Beach in Queens so i could go surfing, but since i had some time this afternoon i wanted to properly catch up on my porn sites and masturbate now that i had the privacy and time (i mean it was three days)

but with this came some sort of realization. i havent been in a committed relationship in two years. the last girl was great, we had a wonderful relationship but it played out its course (i generally am rather good at maintaining friendships with my ex's except for the last which causes me some frustration because it seems rather unwaranted, her disdain for me) since then ive hardly dated, and besides that one realtionship ive only been in two real relationships anyway. so ive realized that internet porn is much like my fear of commitment. yall are like wtf? let me explain...

its like this.... im scared of commitment. now i rationalize it by saying things like "i havent met someone i really connect with" my roomate calls me a "pussy" and says that im fucked in the head. i meet girls who i get along with, who are interesting to some extent and then eventually i always find something wrong with them and thats it. yall might ask "how is that like internet porn?" - good question... well you always wonder if there is something else out there unless you are with the one you are supposed to be at for that moment... maybe youre not asking that but you are open to meeting other people... which is like internet porn... because... when i first started masutrbating dec 4 of 7th grade (i remember the day because it was at matt behms house, random pubescent shit) id do it in ten minutes and id be lucky to have some actual stimulation like a playboy or something. but then the internet came along and it became easy to navigate porn sites such as www.sublimedirectory.com. so now when i masturbate ill peruse the site. but it wont connect me with just one site, ill have a bunch, its tons of links, hundreds. so im never satisfied because im wondering what else is there for me to view. its troubling. i cant just masturbate anymore. i have to catch myself up now with all the links. so theres always "better porn out there" just like there might be better women in terms of relationships. so alas im stuck in the same conundrum with women as i am with my left hand (which is funny because im right handed, but i use my left).

tonight at a bar a girl friend of mine was attempting to distract me from a pool game by shaking her breasts in front of me. but because of internet porn i was hardly phased. and i literally said to her "hunny, internet porn, youll have to do more then shake covered breasts to distract me"

its a true statement, but something has to be wrong with me..

moving on... ive noticed that almost everyone in nyc is single... we all suffer from the same disease.. its called singlehood, i think that there should be some law against so many people congregating in the same space.. its just not healthy at all. not at all. ive encountered many people who are all single and feel like they have been for ages. its just messed up. i was sitting on the subway the other day and started a game , a new game everyone should play .. its called "who is taken?" .. its easy, look for the engagement/wedding rings on the train. thats all, just count them in proportion to the people who dont have them.. also take into consideration the time and place. i mean people at 130 am coming home arent likely to be engaged and by themselves traveling the train... but youll find that those going to and leaving work during those rush hours are more likely to be spoken for... its more or less an interesting social exploration

moving on again.. i have this ex in .. the second ex that i mentioned earlier... and we dont really talk anymore.. which is odd for me because like i said im i usually keep my ex's as friends.. in fact ive been known to be a great exboyfriend (although i claim to only have two real ex's, ive dated a few others). but the most recent ex and i stopped talking in feb of 06. and basically didnt talk for a whole year until xmas 06 when we had brief contact. but alas the last few months we separated again and id see her online so id IM her but she would never respond.. and j IM her randomly and say hello (i figured if she really didnt want to talk she would tell me so and block me from her buddy list) so tonight i imed her "i hope you arent trapped under some large object" and finally she responded!!!!

except she said "no, but i dont want to know you, anymore, at all, so stop IMing me"

which made me feel good , because she finally said something but then made me feel not so good at all, infact it was quite mean... but alas at least she said something so thats good... i wont ever IM her again since she finally stated thats not what she wants but its a complete mindfuck for me considering we didnt end on bad terms and i think we would be great friends... but alas that is her decision...

but as i get older i realize that little things like that are too trivial to concern yourself with.... i dont believe we are done when this life ends... so i dont find myself getting too upset with things that happen (unless they threaten livlihoods)... i have my moments of course, but in all i try and concentrate on the positives....

its late.. and im listening to thom yorke.. time to sleep...

randoms...

ps.. read Ishmael by Daniel Quinn if you are a human who is doesnt like the way we live