Fate is cruel, she is.
If I believed in any sort of God watching us from his lofty cloud lair, I would service you with heartfelt prose about loss and God's plan and Heaven. But, since that's bullshit, I'm left with nothing to talk about but my life and this gray, stupid rock flying through space.
The greatest portion of my life was easily my final semester of high school and the following summer. About January 2009 to the end of August. Every day was filled with happiness, energy, passion for what I did, great friends, the high of completing secondary education, and the hope for my collegiate future. I was a senior. A top dog. I was an artist, among the best of my little world. My peers, such as Chris and Pat and Kevin and Billy and Christina and Marin and all my classmates loved my art and me so much. They thought I was the tops and I believed it. My art was bulletproof. Art class senior year was an experience that boosted my self-esteem higher than it's ever been. I was an elder of creativity. Everyone looked up to me and mimicked my actions. My judgment was final and just. It was a time when I and those around me appreciated my talent and who I was. Summer of 2009 was the best four months of my life. What with the Sacramento Express, Majora's Mask, Up, Carlie's quince, and other small things. I worked at the BAC, and for the first time ever someone paid me and gave me respect for my skill! Oh my god! My first real job surrounded by those who loved me! When I finished at the BAC and completed the Sacramento Express, there were only 2 weeks left to buy a computer, dorm stuff, books, debit card, and make farewells. Everyone was so sad that Chris and I were leaving. And we were sad to go. But there was nothing left in this town for us. And with a final crescendo by the orchestra and letterbox falling on the screen, we rode off into the sunset. Ahead of us: only possibility and winder. College.
As painful as moving into the dorms was, I feel nostalgic for even that. The curiosity, the strange air. I was so scared but so excited. All in all, the first two months were miserable. Mostly because I was an introvert in a party dorm. I adjusted after a while, but visiting home was my refuge. When I arrived home in November, I played the theme of Vale from Golden Sun, which is a song about the main characters' home town. I wanted so much to go back to the life I had in high school. I soon discovered that my wonderful life from high school
was gone. In its stead was drama, and angst, and fear. My high school friends had fallen into the rut of high schoolers. I was in college now, and somehow I was being dragged into such adolescent hysterics. Everything I knew and loved and cared about was 2 hours away. College life seemed to trivial to me. At Christmas, I didn't want to go back to school.
My second semester was much better. I made some cool friends and allies, and the drama at home dissipated. After all the crap that I wasn't there to help with, life moved on. I started Chinese classes in 2010, and that helped me become more invested in college. For the first time, I felt like I was really having a college experience. I learned. I discussed. I had meaningful interaction with teachers and classmates. At last, I found my niche.
Summer 2010. I felt suicidal. I realized that the life that I held so dearly the year before was gone entirely. Billy became an idiot and I couldn't stand him. My most meaningful friendship destroyed. It was a critical blow to my social life, and we've never really recovered. I hung out with Marin and Goose and Carlie still, and we formed lasting bonds. Marin especially. We were both so troubled. Her with her family troubles and me managing my Marita troubles. All summer that Marita haunted me, laughed at me, slandered me into emotional submission. I had no solace. Just a few flickering images of happiness on a canvas of black damnation. I was miserable not for anything going on (I still had a job), but because of what I couldn't leave behind. Marita, my happiest year of life, of being loved non-stop. That summer was awful and painful in every respect. I couldn't have made it through without my friends and family. I played SOOO many video games and made so many sad comics. I couldn't bear it much longer.
Fall 2010. The first few weeks were fine. I made some cool friends! Jacob and Kenny and Alan! But something was wrong. I felt so empty inside. It build up to one day in October when I couldn't stop crying. I called Marin and it all came flooding out. I told her everything. Everything about Marita haunting me, and feeling unwanted, and having lost my best friendship, and not being able to hold on to the happiest period of my life. After that cathartic experience, I understood my feelings. I felt so attached to summer 2009 that I never wanted to leave it. Summer 2010 was plain and alright. The fact is, you can't have the past back no matter what you do. And starting in November of 2010 I decided that enough was enough. I wouldn't try to recreate the past anymore. I was going to make the future for myself. If friendships ended, then so be it. It's Billy's fault if he wants to act that way. More importantly, I wasn't going to let Marita hold me back anymore. For 3 years of my life, she held my heart and soul through her magical sexual incantation. No longer would I be cursed by that vile succubus. She has no idea how much pain she caused me. So I decided to forget her. Forget that bitch. Fuck her. FUCK HER! Marita, if you're reading this, FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA!?!? I CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF YOU, YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH. Fuck her. Fuck all that shit. I'm a grown-ass man. I don't have time for that high school nonsense. I have a life to live. And I don't need a woman I'll never see again to get in the way. Fall 2010 and spring 2011 were awesome. I looked at other women and lusted, for once. I met Frankie and Matt, two of my best friends ever. We all played video games and watched movies and Marble Hornets. I miss spring 2011, actually. Some great times were had.
Summer 2011 was fun. I decided not to try and re-live summer 2009. I would make my own memories now. I got a volunteer gig at the BAC since they had no money. Still cool, though. I still had people's respect and admiration. Not so much my mom. She was nasty all summer. I think it was menopause but I'm not sure. The trip to Virginia was excruciating but the rest of the summer I did man creative things and hung out with a lot of people. It was very cool!
Fall 2011 was something that I looked forward to a lot. I was rooming with Jacob, Matt, and Kenny in a quad! Kenny left for personal reasons, so I had the room to myself. I have to say, that dorm room was the coolest room ever. Movies and video games and comics covering the walls. It was glorious. All the awesome movies we watched! All the terrible movies we watched! All the excellent video games that I played! All the nerdy discussions, arguments, and rants that were had! All the hugs and camaraderie was intoxicating. That fall I lost my virginity to Frankie, one of my best friends. (I recount this in another blog.) That Thanksgiving break was amazing, and seeing an on-campus therapist was great. Classes were not too hard, either. Christmas was a hoot and everyone came together in peace and love. Spring 2012 was full of new experiences. Florian, my new room mate, came in from France. He was a cool dude who would join us for movies and chats. He was an awesome room mate. I didn't draw much that fall since stupid teachers and stupid classes kept me busy. Frankie dropped out, which was saddening. That spring we all got so much done in class and out of class. Katie became one of our awesome friends. Leaving that dorm room nearly brought me to tears.
This summer, the summer of 2012, I missed that dorm room passionately. I never knew how happy it made me. I had my own space where I could be Piyoz. Everyone got along and we all appreciated each other and were open and honest. I came home, where nobody would hire someone my age. We went around and filled out tons of job applications, and eventually Rainbow Cone hired me for the Taste of Chicago. It was pretty cool. Nice crowds and nice co-workers. My mom was nice this summer since my brother and I were both in town. I hung out with my friends so much! I drew a ton, too. I spent over 200 hours playing video games. But, hey, I earned it. I thought to myself: if I died tomorrow, I would feel satisfied in the life that I lived. I sleep; I see friends; I spend time with my family; I play video games; I serve ice cream; I always, always draw comics. It wasn't as splendid and lovely as 2009. I still loved those four months at home.
Moving back into the dorms, I felt the same end to the summer as I did after high school. If I did this for the rest of my life, I would be happy. I won't, of course. One day my parents won't be around and I will have to fend for myself. I try to respect my parents but often they make it difficult. I love them so much. They do so much for me, and I know that they love me. Nobody's perfect. But they're the best parents I could ask for. I miss so many things, like the end of high school, and my most awesome dorm room, and my friends, and even this summer. Now that I've started the senior year of college, I see things coming full circle. I'm so mature and smarter than I used to be. It's such a shame that Matt is spending a year in Japan, and that Jacob and Frankie dropped out. It's very difficult to see all of them. They're my best friend, but fate has scattered us to the winds. I still talk to them via the internet and phone. They're some of my best friends and I never want to lose them. All my friends mean so much to me. All of them. Chris. Jacob. Kevin. Frankie. Marin. Pat. Kenny. Carlie. Katie. Goose. Evan. I couldn't do anything I do without them. I love them all.
Fate is cruel, that whore.
If I believed in any sort of God watching us from his lofty cloud lair, I would service you with heartfelt prose about loss and God's plan and Heaven. But, since that's bullshit, I'm left with nothing to talk about but my life and this gray, stupid rock flying through space.
The greatest portion of my life was easily my final semester of high school and the following summer. About January 2009 to the end of August. Every day was filled with happiness, energy, passion for what I did, great friends, the high of completing secondary education, and the hope for my collegiate future. I was a senior. A top dog. I was an artist, among the best of my little world. My peers, such as Chris and Pat and Kevin and Billy and Christina and Marin and all my classmates loved my art and me so much. They thought I was the tops and I believed it. My art was bulletproof. Art class senior year was an experience that boosted my self-esteem higher than it's ever been. I was an elder of creativity. Everyone looked up to me and mimicked my actions. My judgment was final and just. It was a time when I and those around me appreciated my talent and who I was. Summer of 2009 was the best four months of my life. What with the Sacramento Express, Majora's Mask, Up, Carlie's quince, and other small things. I worked at the BAC, and for the first time ever someone paid me and gave me respect for my skill! Oh my god! My first real job surrounded by those who loved me! When I finished at the BAC and completed the Sacramento Express, there were only 2 weeks left to buy a computer, dorm stuff, books, debit card, and make farewells. Everyone was so sad that Chris and I were leaving. And we were sad to go. But there was nothing left in this town for us. And with a final crescendo by the orchestra and letterbox falling on the screen, we rode off into the sunset. Ahead of us: only possibility and winder. College.
As painful as moving into the dorms was, I feel nostalgic for even that. The curiosity, the strange air. I was so scared but so excited. All in all, the first two months were miserable. Mostly because I was an introvert in a party dorm. I adjusted after a while, but visiting home was my refuge. When I arrived home in November, I played the theme of Vale from Golden Sun, which is a song about the main characters' home town. I wanted so much to go back to the life I had in high school. I soon discovered that my wonderful life from high school
was gone. In its stead was drama, and angst, and fear. My high school friends had fallen into the rut of high schoolers. I was in college now, and somehow I was being dragged into such adolescent hysterics. Everything I knew and loved and cared about was 2 hours away. College life seemed to trivial to me. At Christmas, I didn't want to go back to school.
My second semester was much better. I made some cool friends and allies, and the drama at home dissipated. After all the crap that I wasn't there to help with, life moved on. I started Chinese classes in 2010, and that helped me become more invested in college. For the first time, I felt like I was really having a college experience. I learned. I discussed. I had meaningful interaction with teachers and classmates. At last, I found my niche.
Summer 2010. I felt suicidal. I realized that the life that I held so dearly the year before was gone entirely. Billy became an idiot and I couldn't stand him. My most meaningful friendship destroyed. It was a critical blow to my social life, and we've never really recovered. I hung out with Marin and Goose and Carlie still, and we formed lasting bonds. Marin especially. We were both so troubled. Her with her family troubles and me managing my Marita troubles. All summer that Marita haunted me, laughed at me, slandered me into emotional submission. I had no solace. Just a few flickering images of happiness on a canvas of black damnation. I was miserable not for anything going on (I still had a job), but because of what I couldn't leave behind. Marita, my happiest year of life, of being loved non-stop. That summer was awful and painful in every respect. I couldn't have made it through without my friends and family. I played SOOO many video games and made so many sad comics. I couldn't bear it much longer.
Fall 2010. The first few weeks were fine. I made some cool friends! Jacob and Kenny and Alan! But something was wrong. I felt so empty inside. It build up to one day in October when I couldn't stop crying. I called Marin and it all came flooding out. I told her everything. Everything about Marita haunting me, and feeling unwanted, and having lost my best friendship, and not being able to hold on to the happiest period of my life. After that cathartic experience, I understood my feelings. I felt so attached to summer 2009 that I never wanted to leave it. Summer 2010 was plain and alright. The fact is, you can't have the past back no matter what you do. And starting in November of 2010 I decided that enough was enough. I wouldn't try to recreate the past anymore. I was going to make the future for myself. If friendships ended, then so be it. It's Billy's fault if he wants to act that way. More importantly, I wasn't going to let Marita hold me back anymore. For 3 years of my life, she held my heart and soul through her magical sexual incantation. No longer would I be cursed by that vile succubus. She has no idea how much pain she caused me. So I decided to forget her. Forget that bitch. Fuck her. FUCK HER! Marita, if you're reading this, FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA!?!? I CAN'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF YOU, YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH. Fuck her. Fuck all that shit. I'm a grown-ass man. I don't have time for that high school nonsense. I have a life to live. And I don't need a woman I'll never see again to get in the way. Fall 2010 and spring 2011 were awesome. I looked at other women and lusted, for once. I met Frankie and Matt, two of my best friends ever. We all played video games and watched movies and Marble Hornets. I miss spring 2011, actually. Some great times were had.
Summer 2011 was fun. I decided not to try and re-live summer 2009. I would make my own memories now. I got a volunteer gig at the BAC since they had no money. Still cool, though. I still had people's respect and admiration. Not so much my mom. She was nasty all summer. I think it was menopause but I'm not sure. The trip to Virginia was excruciating but the rest of the summer I did man creative things and hung out with a lot of people. It was very cool!
Fall 2011 was something that I looked forward to a lot. I was rooming with Jacob, Matt, and Kenny in a quad! Kenny left for personal reasons, so I had the room to myself. I have to say, that dorm room was the coolest room ever. Movies and video games and comics covering the walls. It was glorious. All the awesome movies we watched! All the terrible movies we watched! All the excellent video games that I played! All the nerdy discussions, arguments, and rants that were had! All the hugs and camaraderie was intoxicating. That fall I lost my virginity to Frankie, one of my best friends. (I recount this in another blog.) That Thanksgiving break was amazing, and seeing an on-campus therapist was great. Classes were not too hard, either. Christmas was a hoot and everyone came together in peace and love. Spring 2012 was full of new experiences. Florian, my new room mate, came in from France. He was a cool dude who would join us for movies and chats. He was an awesome room mate. I didn't draw much that fall since stupid teachers and stupid classes kept me busy. Frankie dropped out, which was saddening. That spring we all got so much done in class and out of class. Katie became one of our awesome friends. Leaving that dorm room nearly brought me to tears.
This summer, the summer of 2012, I missed that dorm room passionately. I never knew how happy it made me. I had my own space where I could be Piyoz. Everyone got along and we all appreciated each other and were open and honest. I came home, where nobody would hire someone my age. We went around and filled out tons of job applications, and eventually Rainbow Cone hired me for the Taste of Chicago. It was pretty cool. Nice crowds and nice co-workers. My mom was nice this summer since my brother and I were both in town. I hung out with my friends so much! I drew a ton, too. I spent over 200 hours playing video games. But, hey, I earned it. I thought to myself: if I died tomorrow, I would feel satisfied in the life that I lived. I sleep; I see friends; I spend time with my family; I play video games; I serve ice cream; I always, always draw comics. It wasn't as splendid and lovely as 2009. I still loved those four months at home.
Moving back into the dorms, I felt the same end to the summer as I did after high school. If I did this for the rest of my life, I would be happy. I won't, of course. One day my parents won't be around and I will have to fend for myself. I try to respect my parents but often they make it difficult. I love them so much. They do so much for me, and I know that they love me. Nobody's perfect. But they're the best parents I could ask for. I miss so many things, like the end of high school, and my most awesome dorm room, and my friends, and even this summer. Now that I've started the senior year of college, I see things coming full circle. I'm so mature and smarter than I used to be. It's such a shame that Matt is spending a year in Japan, and that Jacob and Frankie dropped out. It's very difficult to see all of them. They're my best friend, but fate has scattered us to the winds. I still talk to them via the internet and phone. They're some of my best friends and I never want to lose them. All my friends mean so much to me. All of them. Chris. Jacob. Kevin. Frankie. Marin. Pat. Kenny. Carlie. Katie. Goose. Evan. I couldn't do anything I do without them. I love them all.
Fate is cruel, that whore.
mkayal:
thanks and good luck to you as well
coralsuicide:
Thanks 
, I also like Tarantino , and inglorius basterds , 
, I also like Tarantino , and inglorius basterds ,