Dear Ex-,
i've been trying quite hard to get you out of my mind over the past couple weeks, but as you know it's been difficult. this past week with v-day and all has been especially trying. i managed to get through it for the most part without being too mopey. though when i got that way i would try and get out for a bit to try and shake it off and that usually works. but not a day goes by that i don't think about you. but that's pretty normal considering how long we were together. that also makes it more difficult being around friends since most of them have always know both of us as a couple and there are questions to answer. only a few times have i ended up ranting about the whole thing. mostly i try to keep it nice and clean. at least being able to talk to friends has helped to clear my head a bit.
that said, i need to get some other things off my chest. i'm not about to go and blame you for everything that has happened. we each had our own part to play in this. you have issues when it comes to trusting friends. you especially have issues when it comes to trusting other girls. you've been screwed over in the past by your friends and that has made you defensive at times in your friendships. but the level of jealousy that came up this year is not healthy. you were jumping at shadows and chasing smoke. it felt like no matter what i told you or did would have made a difference. so i eventually gave up on that. i let you get angry and let you stay angry. and that part was my fault. i felt prosecuted for something that was not real. that hurt a lot. unfortunately, when people accuse me of a false wrongdoing, that's when i get defensive. the two of us angry and lashing out at each other did not help at all. one of us should have been able to calm down and try to reason with the other. but that never happened.
the last time i saw you, i was still a bit raw. you were right when you said it was probably too soon. i wanted so badly for everything to be right again, but every time i looked at you all that anger reared it's ugly head and i had to try and keep you at an emotional distance. physically we could be together. that usually was never a problem for us. it was so good to feel you laying next to me again. but it also brought up all the pain of you breaking up with me in the first place. if you could have only given me a little more time, maybe it could have worked. but you have an emotional need to cling to people. sometimes you grab onto one person so tightly that it's suffocating. and if that person ever pushes you away enough to breathe? you lash out at them. when you don't get that connection, it drives you mad. and that's when you make bad decisions. i never understood why you seemed so uncomfortable in your own skin sometimes, why you couldn't just spend a little time alone. and that pushed us even further apart.
i know your anger is fierce and burns long. and you know how to use that anger to push you forward, and that's good. if that is the fire that keeps you going, that keeps you struggling to grow, then i am glad to be the fuel for that fire. build yourself a pyre out of the leftovers of our relationship and let it burn to ash all the things that weigh you down. and when all that is spent, rise up like a phoenix to your new life. i only hope that one day i'll get to meet the beautiful, strong woman that i know you'll become.
P-
i've been trying quite hard to get you out of my mind over the past couple weeks, but as you know it's been difficult. this past week with v-day and all has been especially trying. i managed to get through it for the most part without being too mopey. though when i got that way i would try and get out for a bit to try and shake it off and that usually works. but not a day goes by that i don't think about you. but that's pretty normal considering how long we were together. that also makes it more difficult being around friends since most of them have always know both of us as a couple and there are questions to answer. only a few times have i ended up ranting about the whole thing. mostly i try to keep it nice and clean. at least being able to talk to friends has helped to clear my head a bit.
that said, i need to get some other things off my chest. i'm not about to go and blame you for everything that has happened. we each had our own part to play in this. you have issues when it comes to trusting friends. you especially have issues when it comes to trusting other girls. you've been screwed over in the past by your friends and that has made you defensive at times in your friendships. but the level of jealousy that came up this year is not healthy. you were jumping at shadows and chasing smoke. it felt like no matter what i told you or did would have made a difference. so i eventually gave up on that. i let you get angry and let you stay angry. and that part was my fault. i felt prosecuted for something that was not real. that hurt a lot. unfortunately, when people accuse me of a false wrongdoing, that's when i get defensive. the two of us angry and lashing out at each other did not help at all. one of us should have been able to calm down and try to reason with the other. but that never happened.
the last time i saw you, i was still a bit raw. you were right when you said it was probably too soon. i wanted so badly for everything to be right again, but every time i looked at you all that anger reared it's ugly head and i had to try and keep you at an emotional distance. physically we could be together. that usually was never a problem for us. it was so good to feel you laying next to me again. but it also brought up all the pain of you breaking up with me in the first place. if you could have only given me a little more time, maybe it could have worked. but you have an emotional need to cling to people. sometimes you grab onto one person so tightly that it's suffocating. and if that person ever pushes you away enough to breathe? you lash out at them. when you don't get that connection, it drives you mad. and that's when you make bad decisions. i never understood why you seemed so uncomfortable in your own skin sometimes, why you couldn't just spend a little time alone. and that pushed us even further apart.
i know your anger is fierce and burns long. and you know how to use that anger to push you forward, and that's good. if that is the fire that keeps you going, that keeps you struggling to grow, then i am glad to be the fuel for that fire. build yourself a pyre out of the leftovers of our relationship and let it burn to ash all the things that weigh you down. and when all that is spent, rise up like a phoenix to your new life. i only hope that one day i'll get to meet the beautiful, strong woman that i know you'll become.
P-
hollystar:
