:WARNING: LONG AND RAMBLING INTROSPECTIVE JOURNAL AHEAD...
I've been feeling really odd today . I didn't actually DO anything specific to bring on this peculiar feeling other than beginning to watch the first season DVDs of the show Dead Like Me . I guess watching somebody trying to cope with life after death kind of made me start to wonder about my own life and eventual death . Have I lived a good life ? If I were suddenly snuffed out , how would I be remembered ? I've always had this nagging feeling that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing . It's kind of like when you tell yourself to remember to do something important and then you forget to do it , you know ? You have that intangible feeling that there's "something " that you need to do , but what ???? it can be quite maddening . As I sat and thought these thoughts and tried to come up with some answers to them , I stumbled upon a theory or two. Here they are...
THEORY 1 : Fate has laid out every person's life map even before they are born . If , for whatever reason , that person decides to tell fate to take a flying leap and goes their own way , they disrupt the "flow" of the universe and thusly fuck themselves good and proper . From that point on no matter what they do or what they try to do , nothing's going to work out for them . At least not until they put themselves back on their pre-ordained path .
RESPONSE : I've always felt that the idea of fate and destiny is bullshit . You don't HAVE to do anything . Although if it ISN'T bullshit , then I was probably supposed to be stuck in my little hometown for the rest of my life and should have been working at a lumber mill or pumping gas until my dying day . I am not . My life , as it is , isn't great . It does kind of feel like things never work out for me no matter what I try . HOWEVER , it ain't all bad either . I've met a lot of cool people and done a lot of cool things that I never would have gotten to do had I remained in my little one-horse town . Soooooo...I guess I've done alright . Right ? Is holding on to your freedom to choose worth compromising that feeling of blissful ignorance that goes along with following the path that fate has paved for you ? As it stands as of right now , I'd say YES .
THEORY 2 : Some people weren't meant to do great things . Not everybody can be the first man to walk on the moon , or even the guy who throws the pass that wins the big game . Some people are simply meant to make sure that those other people make it to their big day , and in some way are equally as important .
RESPONSE : This theory gives me a certain degree of comfort because it would give merit to the otherwise tedious things that ordinary people do . The "Behind The Scenes" people , as I like to call them , serve a purpose that is generally thankless . No television spots or front page interviews for them . Just a small feeling of personal satisfaction and an occasional pat on the back . But are they any less important than those other folks ? You see , I have always pretty much believed that EVERYBODY is somehow connected together like some gigantic intricately linked chain . That would explain the whole "Six Degrees Of Seperation , Small World , AND Deja Vu " phenomenons . B.T.S. people are links that connect the "Big Game" people to there eventual destination . Just think of all the people who influenced and assisted people like Albert Einstein , Bill Gaites , or even Oprah . Without those people , those celebrity types may have never been who they were supposed to be and the world would have suffered for it . Okay , maybe the world would be better WITHOUT Oprah , but you get my point . As I sat here thinking about how apparently pointless my existence has been up to this point , I thought about something that happened to me a few years back . I was leaving work one cold snowy night when I saw these two people standing huddled together at a pay phone . They were a kind of shabby looking young guy and girl . I didn't know either of them , but for some strange reason I stopped my car and asked them if they were okay . They said that they were trying to get ahold of the girl's mother , who was supposed to come and pick them up . Even though I try to profess to be a heartless bastard , I couldn't in good conscience leave them out there in the cold . I asked them where they lived and decided to give them a ride . During the ride I found out that the girl had recently found out that she was pregnant . I dropped them off and they thanked me and offered to go in and get me some money which I politely declined and then proceeded to drive home . I then began to think that even though those two were kind of shabby looking , maybe their baby would grow up to be the man or woman that cures cancer or something and if they were forced to stand out in sub-zero temperatures for any longer it may have caused some serious medical condition that would have compromised their unborn baby's health . Or maybe not . That's the whole thing . You never really know , do you ? You just are given a choice . Sometimes it's a small choice , sometimes it's a big choice . As a link in the chain you're sometimes subjected to a lot of stress , and you can do one of two things...summon the strength to hold , or break . Are your decisions as a Behind The Scenes person always important and potentially world altering ? Probably not , but you never know . That's why I like this theory . It makes you think . It also gives a little more credit to the average people who will not have streets named after them or parades in their honor , but are as important as the people who will . It's this theory that generally keeps me going when life decides to pull the rug out from under me on a regular basis . Maybe if I was suddenly snuffed out tomorrow the world , at large , wouldn't remember me . But if that shabby couple's kid grows up to be the person who ends world hunger or finally brings about world peace , I'll know , and that's enough for me .
I will return you all to my regularly scheduled insane ramblings in my next journal . Stay tuned...
I've been feeling really odd today . I didn't actually DO anything specific to bring on this peculiar feeling other than beginning to watch the first season DVDs of the show Dead Like Me . I guess watching somebody trying to cope with life after death kind of made me start to wonder about my own life and eventual death . Have I lived a good life ? If I were suddenly snuffed out , how would I be remembered ? I've always had this nagging feeling that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing . It's kind of like when you tell yourself to remember to do something important and then you forget to do it , you know ? You have that intangible feeling that there's "something " that you need to do , but what ???? it can be quite maddening . As I sat and thought these thoughts and tried to come up with some answers to them , I stumbled upon a theory or two. Here they are...
THEORY 1 : Fate has laid out every person's life map even before they are born . If , for whatever reason , that person decides to tell fate to take a flying leap and goes their own way , they disrupt the "flow" of the universe and thusly fuck themselves good and proper . From that point on no matter what they do or what they try to do , nothing's going to work out for them . At least not until they put themselves back on their pre-ordained path .
RESPONSE : I've always felt that the idea of fate and destiny is bullshit . You don't HAVE to do anything . Although if it ISN'T bullshit , then I was probably supposed to be stuck in my little hometown for the rest of my life and should have been working at a lumber mill or pumping gas until my dying day . I am not . My life , as it is , isn't great . It does kind of feel like things never work out for me no matter what I try . HOWEVER , it ain't all bad either . I've met a lot of cool people and done a lot of cool things that I never would have gotten to do had I remained in my little one-horse town . Soooooo...I guess I've done alright . Right ? Is holding on to your freedom to choose worth compromising that feeling of blissful ignorance that goes along with following the path that fate has paved for you ? As it stands as of right now , I'd say YES .
THEORY 2 : Some people weren't meant to do great things . Not everybody can be the first man to walk on the moon , or even the guy who throws the pass that wins the big game . Some people are simply meant to make sure that those other people make it to their big day , and in some way are equally as important .
RESPONSE : This theory gives me a certain degree of comfort because it would give merit to the otherwise tedious things that ordinary people do . The "Behind The Scenes" people , as I like to call them , serve a purpose that is generally thankless . No television spots or front page interviews for them . Just a small feeling of personal satisfaction and an occasional pat on the back . But are they any less important than those other folks ? You see , I have always pretty much believed that EVERYBODY is somehow connected together like some gigantic intricately linked chain . That would explain the whole "Six Degrees Of Seperation , Small World , AND Deja Vu " phenomenons . B.T.S. people are links that connect the "Big Game" people to there eventual destination . Just think of all the people who influenced and assisted people like Albert Einstein , Bill Gaites , or even Oprah . Without those people , those celebrity types may have never been who they were supposed to be and the world would have suffered for it . Okay , maybe the world would be better WITHOUT Oprah , but you get my point . As I sat here thinking about how apparently pointless my existence has been up to this point , I thought about something that happened to me a few years back . I was leaving work one cold snowy night when I saw these two people standing huddled together at a pay phone . They were a kind of shabby looking young guy and girl . I didn't know either of them , but for some strange reason I stopped my car and asked them if they were okay . They said that they were trying to get ahold of the girl's mother , who was supposed to come and pick them up . Even though I try to profess to be a heartless bastard , I couldn't in good conscience leave them out there in the cold . I asked them where they lived and decided to give them a ride . During the ride I found out that the girl had recently found out that she was pregnant . I dropped them off and they thanked me and offered to go in and get me some money which I politely declined and then proceeded to drive home . I then began to think that even though those two were kind of shabby looking , maybe their baby would grow up to be the man or woman that cures cancer or something and if they were forced to stand out in sub-zero temperatures for any longer it may have caused some serious medical condition that would have compromised their unborn baby's health . Or maybe not . That's the whole thing . You never really know , do you ? You just are given a choice . Sometimes it's a small choice , sometimes it's a big choice . As a link in the chain you're sometimes subjected to a lot of stress , and you can do one of two things...summon the strength to hold , or break . Are your decisions as a Behind The Scenes person always important and potentially world altering ? Probably not , but you never know . That's why I like this theory . It makes you think . It also gives a little more credit to the average people who will not have streets named after them or parades in their honor , but are as important as the people who will . It's this theory that generally keeps me going when life decides to pull the rug out from under me on a regular basis . Maybe if I was suddenly snuffed out tomorrow the world , at large , wouldn't remember me . But if that shabby couple's kid grows up to be the person who ends world hunger or finally brings about world peace , I'll know , and that's enough for me .
I will return you all to my regularly scheduled insane ramblings in my next journal . Stay tuned...
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
rhys:
amen! hehehe ..thank you 
nic:
Hahahah I totally have no hard. Vicious, unremorseful, evil. Like a buzzard or something.