You know what's good ? Pie . You know what's better than that ? Cake made out of pie . 
MAN . It's been almost ANOTHER year that I haven't conquered the world . I truly thought that I'd be running this place by the time I was thirty . It's been two years since then and still NOTHIN' . I'm so dissapointed with my lack of progress . You'd think that if G.W. got elected , and he's about as smart as a fucking rock with a learning disorder , I should conceivably be able to go on T.V. and do a little song and dance , make a few ridiculous promises , and smile perty for the camera and BAM!!!! President TinfoilHalo . Yeah , I probably COULD do that , but that's just PART of the world . I want the WHOLE thing .It's not a greed thing mind you , it's just that I want the ability to kick all stupid people off of my planet once and for all . I want to be able to promote a chimp on a unicycle to LORD OF THE APES , and have him be the leader of my vicious monkey army . I would use this destructive simian battalion to end ALL other wars on Earth...especially the one concerning whether or not Miller Lite is "Less Filling " or "Tastes Great " . Christ , all of the needless bloodshed and lost lives due to that pointless conflict . Miller Lite SUCKS!!!! PERIOD!!!! Yuengling is the undisputed KING OF BEERS , despite any false claims by that filthy usurper Budweiser . My monkey army shall fall upon anybody who disagrees with this statement with great vengeance and furious anger . I want to be able to give all homeless people the houses that government officials used to own , while the previous owners would be forced into manual labor....like fixing all of the goddamn potholes in our roads that they SHOULD have used our tax dollars to fix instead of giving themselves a "raise" ( Which is illegal , immoral , and really fucked up , by the way ) . I would have ALL churches burned to the ground and all religions would be abolished . Since all of you kids can't get along with one another and share the world , I'm taking your gods away from you . They will all be replaced by the ONLY religion that will be tolerated . THE GLOBAL CHURCH OF WILLIAM SHATNER . Now kneel and give me three cocky smirks and five "KHANNNNNNN!!!!! 's " and your sins will be forgiven . I want to make peace with those alien visitors who feel the need to sneak onto our planet and anal probe hicks in trailer parks . There's NOTHING of interest up there . I guess since Earthlings tend to live with their heads up their collective asses all of the time you must have thought that was the quickest way to examine our brains , huh ? You teach us how to make some of them nifty flyin' saucer doohickeys and I will give you the secret to BEEF JERKEY . I know that's what you were trying to do when you were mutilating all of those poor cows . Don't pretend like you weren't . I want to do ALL of these things and SO MUCH more , but I just haven't been able to overthrow the world . I even considered recruiting the gorgeous ladies of this site to use their feminine charms to coerce the stupid male leaders of the world to just GIVE me the planet . I thought about that , but then realized that I too am just a stupid male and I have no defense against the awsome power of your magical boobies either . I'd have the world for like ten minutes and a pretty smile and a flirty wink and BAM!!!! No more planet for me .Hmmmmmm...I guess I'd still have a brand new flying saucer and my loyal army of monkeys though . Could be worse . Alright ladies...LET'S DO IT!!!! Who wants which countries , or do you wanna' just flip a coin or something ?
MAN . It's been almost ANOTHER year that I haven't conquered the world . I truly thought that I'd be running this place by the time I was thirty . It's been two years since then and still NOTHIN' . I'm so dissapointed with my lack of progress . You'd think that if G.W. got elected , and he's about as smart as a fucking rock with a learning disorder , I should conceivably be able to go on T.V. and do a little song and dance , make a few ridiculous promises , and smile perty for the camera and BAM!!!! President TinfoilHalo . Yeah , I probably COULD do that , but that's just PART of the world . I want the WHOLE thing .It's not a greed thing mind you , it's just that I want the ability to kick all stupid people off of my planet once and for all . I want to be able to promote a chimp on a unicycle to LORD OF THE APES , and have him be the leader of my vicious monkey army . I would use this destructive simian battalion to end ALL other wars on Earth...especially the one concerning whether or not Miller Lite is "Less Filling " or "Tastes Great " . Christ , all of the needless bloodshed and lost lives due to that pointless conflict . Miller Lite SUCKS!!!! PERIOD!!!! Yuengling is the undisputed KING OF BEERS , despite any false claims by that filthy usurper Budweiser . My monkey army shall fall upon anybody who disagrees with this statement with great vengeance and furious anger . I want to be able to give all homeless people the houses that government officials used to own , while the previous owners would be forced into manual labor....like fixing all of the goddamn potholes in our roads that they SHOULD have used our tax dollars to fix instead of giving themselves a "raise" ( Which is illegal , immoral , and really fucked up , by the way ) . I would have ALL churches burned to the ground and all religions would be abolished . Since all of you kids can't get along with one another and share the world , I'm taking your gods away from you . They will all be replaced by the ONLY religion that will be tolerated . THE GLOBAL CHURCH OF WILLIAM SHATNER . Now kneel and give me three cocky smirks and five "KHANNNNNNN!!!!! 's " and your sins will be forgiven . I want to make peace with those alien visitors who feel the need to sneak onto our planet and anal probe hicks in trailer parks . There's NOTHING of interest up there . I guess since Earthlings tend to live with their heads up their collective asses all of the time you must have thought that was the quickest way to examine our brains , huh ? You teach us how to make some of them nifty flyin' saucer doohickeys and I will give you the secret to BEEF JERKEY . I know that's what you were trying to do when you were mutilating all of those poor cows . Don't pretend like you weren't . I want to do ALL of these things and SO MUCH more , but I just haven't been able to overthrow the world . I even considered recruiting the gorgeous ladies of this site to use their feminine charms to coerce the stupid male leaders of the world to just GIVE me the planet . I thought about that , but then realized that I too am just a stupid male and I have no defense against the awsome power of your magical boobies either . I'd have the world for like ten minutes and a pretty smile and a flirty wink and BAM!!!! No more planet for me .Hmmmmmm...I guess I'd still have a brand new flying saucer and my loyal army of monkeys though . Could be worse . Alright ladies...LET'S DO IT!!!! Who wants which countries , or do you wanna' just flip a coin or something ?
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of you become president you should totally pull some strings to help me become a famous rock star!!
also, can i have oregon? it's my favorite.