A couple of quick things , and then an important story with a valuable moral .
1 - I have a job interview today for a job that might actually pay me REAL money instead of the chump change that I'm making now . Wish me luck .
2 - One of my co-workers killed the BIGGEST spider that I have ever seen in Pennsylvania in my whole life yesterday . This motherfucker was about 21/2 inches long end to end . You may say "That's not very big . " . Yeah , maybe if you live in BORNEO it's not , but around here....that's a mutant .
3 - Something broke in my car's air conditioning system the other day . It is spewing water all over my passenger side floor when I run the AC . So now I either have to bake in this hellish heat or clean up the pond that forms on my floor . I'm thinking of selling it , and saying that it has a custom "Floor Pool" . I'll just tell them that I pimped my own ride , and get mad cash for it .
Okay , now the story . It is called...
" Hicks In The City " [ Not to be confused with that chick show that HBO used to run . ]
Last Saturday my friend called me and asked if I wanted to go to the baseball game that night . While not a huge fan of baseball , it seemed like kind of a different idea so I agreed . Later he informed me that our other friend was coming and he invited a girl he knew from out of town and she might bring some of her friends . COOL . As it turned out it was ONE girl , who was only interested in my friend , and two GUYS . NOT COOL . These folks were from a little country town called New Castle . My friends referred to them as "Cousies " which is a variation of the term "Kissin' Cousins " which is a variation of the terms "Hick or "Inbreeder" . Now the girl WAS cute and seemed to be oddly unaffected by the whole inbreeding thing . The guys were not . Don't get me wrong , they were decent folk . They were just...hicks . They weren't used to living in a big city , which I sympathized with . I came from a small town myself and it took a little while to get adjusted to city life . Anyway , long story short , the game was sold out . So we decided to go to the sports bar across the street and have beers and watch the game on TV . Now the "Cousies" started pounding beers and shots like they were out drinking at a barn party or something . I like to drink , but I know that I have to abide by the city rules , so I try to keep my shit in line . 12:30 rolls around and I see one of the hick boys being grabbed by the bouncer , so I go over to see if I can diffuse the situation . He informs me that the guy was " spitting on the floor " and needed to go . I try to convince the bouncer that we would keep him out of trouble , but all was for not . So I go back and inform everybody that we have to leave . We all meet up outside and notice that we're missing somebody . The OTHER hick boy is still sitting in the bar pounding drinks . My friends , being the good hearted people that they are , are like " If he's not out here in two minutes we're leaving him ." So the girl goes back in to get him . After a few minutes she comes back out...alone . She say that the guy refused to leave . My friends are redy to just ditch his dumb country ass and go home .Being from a small town as I said earlier , I stop them now and say " He's from a little town in the sticks . We can't just leave him here in a strange city . He won't know what the hell to do . " So I now go back in to extract this dumb hick who I don't even know . I try to explain to him that we're leaving and going home , and that we are his only ride back . We will not be coming back into the city once we get home as it's about a half hour drive and we have all been drinking . When the D.D. wants to leave , you leave . Friends , he wasn't having it . He proceeds to slur out " I'm fine . I'll be alright . I'm just gonna' have a few more drinks . " Short of physically dragging his ass out of there , there's nothing more I can do . So I walk back out and explain the situation . My friend is like "Did you know that he flipped you off and said "Fuck You" when you walked away ? " I'm like "He did what ? " That was all that I needed . I don't even know this dipshit , and I was the only one who wanted to help him out . If he wants to be a prick to me , so be it . We left him there .
The next day I get up for work and see that there's a message on my celll phone from my buddy . I call him and he says " That guy wound up in jail!!!!" I was a little shocked and asked why ( Like I couldn't have guessed ) . Apparently he left the bar and was just stumbling up and down the street when the cops came by . He didn't know where he was , and he lost his cell phone with everybody's phone numbers in it , so the cops threw him in the "Drunk Tank" for the night . The next day when he sobered up , they called him a cab and sent him home . I guess he was pretty pissed , as you might imagine . He conveniently "Forgot" that anybody tried to get him to leave the bar , although he seemed to remember everything else . He rounded everybody up , after bitching and complaining about how everybody "Abandoned" him downtown . They all returned to Hickville where that type of shit is acceptable I guess .
The moral of the story is " If you don't know where the fuck you are , don't get so goddamn drunk that you refuse your only ride home and act like an asshole to the only ones who might possibly give a shit . "
1 - I have a job interview today for a job that might actually pay me REAL money instead of the chump change that I'm making now . Wish me luck .
2 - One of my co-workers killed the BIGGEST spider that I have ever seen in Pennsylvania in my whole life yesterday . This motherfucker was about 21/2 inches long end to end . You may say "That's not very big . " . Yeah , maybe if you live in BORNEO it's not , but around here....that's a mutant .
3 - Something broke in my car's air conditioning system the other day . It is spewing water all over my passenger side floor when I run the AC . So now I either have to bake in this hellish heat or clean up the pond that forms on my floor . I'm thinking of selling it , and saying that it has a custom "Floor Pool" . I'll just tell them that I pimped my own ride , and get mad cash for it .
Okay , now the story . It is called...
" Hicks In The City " [ Not to be confused with that chick show that HBO used to run . ]
Last Saturday my friend called me and asked if I wanted to go to the baseball game that night . While not a huge fan of baseball , it seemed like kind of a different idea so I agreed . Later he informed me that our other friend was coming and he invited a girl he knew from out of town and she might bring some of her friends . COOL . As it turned out it was ONE girl , who was only interested in my friend , and two GUYS . NOT COOL . These folks were from a little country town called New Castle . My friends referred to them as "Cousies " which is a variation of the term "Kissin' Cousins " which is a variation of the terms "Hick or "Inbreeder" . Now the girl WAS cute and seemed to be oddly unaffected by the whole inbreeding thing . The guys were not . Don't get me wrong , they were decent folk . They were just...hicks . They weren't used to living in a big city , which I sympathized with . I came from a small town myself and it took a little while to get adjusted to city life . Anyway , long story short , the game was sold out . So we decided to go to the sports bar across the street and have beers and watch the game on TV . Now the "Cousies" started pounding beers and shots like they were out drinking at a barn party or something . I like to drink , but I know that I have to abide by the city rules , so I try to keep my shit in line . 12:30 rolls around and I see one of the hick boys being grabbed by the bouncer , so I go over to see if I can diffuse the situation . He informs me that the guy was " spitting on the floor " and needed to go . I try to convince the bouncer that we would keep him out of trouble , but all was for not . So I go back and inform everybody that we have to leave . We all meet up outside and notice that we're missing somebody . The OTHER hick boy is still sitting in the bar pounding drinks . My friends , being the good hearted people that they are , are like " If he's not out here in two minutes we're leaving him ." So the girl goes back in to get him . After a few minutes she comes back out...alone . She say that the guy refused to leave . My friends are redy to just ditch his dumb country ass and go home .Being from a small town as I said earlier , I stop them now and say " He's from a little town in the sticks . We can't just leave him here in a strange city . He won't know what the hell to do . " So I now go back in to extract this dumb hick who I don't even know . I try to explain to him that we're leaving and going home , and that we are his only ride back . We will not be coming back into the city once we get home as it's about a half hour drive and we have all been drinking . When the D.D. wants to leave , you leave . Friends , he wasn't having it . He proceeds to slur out " I'm fine . I'll be alright . I'm just gonna' have a few more drinks . " Short of physically dragging his ass out of there , there's nothing more I can do . So I walk back out and explain the situation . My friend is like "Did you know that he flipped you off and said "Fuck You" when you walked away ? " I'm like "He did what ? " That was all that I needed . I don't even know this dipshit , and I was the only one who wanted to help him out . If he wants to be a prick to me , so be it . We left him there .
The next day I get up for work and see that there's a message on my celll phone from my buddy . I call him and he says " That guy wound up in jail!!!!" I was a little shocked and asked why ( Like I couldn't have guessed ) . Apparently he left the bar and was just stumbling up and down the street when the cops came by . He didn't know where he was , and he lost his cell phone with everybody's phone numbers in it , so the cops threw him in the "Drunk Tank" for the night . The next day when he sobered up , they called him a cab and sent him home . I guess he was pretty pissed , as you might imagine . He conveniently "Forgot" that anybody tried to get him to leave the bar , although he seemed to remember everything else . He rounded everybody up , after bitching and complaining about how everybody "Abandoned" him downtown . They all returned to Hickville where that type of shit is acceptable I guess .
The moral of the story is " If you don't know where the fuck you are , don't get so goddamn drunk that you refuse your only ride home and act like an asshole to the only ones who might possibly give a shit . "
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-me