tinfoilhalo

I FINALLY decided to break down and get a cell phone . Yes , you heard me right . I was the last human being on Earth to refrain from having a cell phone . Well...no more . Why , you ask ? There was a series of events that transpired over the course of last month that left me thinking to myself " Man...if I just had a goddamn cell phone all of this bullshit could have been avoided . " EVERY SINGLE TIME . So I did it .

Now I'm trying to figure out how to work the fucking thing . There's a manual that came with this little bastard that's thicker than the manual that came with my friggin' car!!!!!! So I say to myself " Self...I'm a reasonably intelligent guy , right ? " Myself agreed with me . " I can figure this little technological abomination out without spending the next three months reading this piece of shit manual . " . Uh huh . I tried to set up my voice mail and pushed the wrong button and inadvertantly caused the "Star Wars : Nuclear Defense Satellite" that orbits the Earth to fire its entire payload of missiles onto the small country of Cochibamba at approximately 12:30 am Friday night thusly annhilating it in a hellstorm of nuclear fire . To all of the crispy dead Cochibambans and to all of the people who knew somebody who had , until last night , lived in Cochibamba I would like to sincerely say..."Oooops" . Them cell phones is some right confusinatin' little doohickeys , uh huh . Oh sure , I could read the manual NOW , but would that bring back all of those poor char grilled folks that I wiped out ? NO . Besides , if I gave in and just read the instructions that would make me a QUITTER , wouldn't it ? Come on , what are the odds that I would decimate ANOTHER country while trying to set my ringtone ? Watch...I'll prove it right now .

Uhhhhhm.....there's some kind of blinking red light flashing on my phone . That CAN'T be good . Guess I better prepare ANOTHER statement .