Usually at my place of employment NOTHING ever happens . It's boring as hell . All of a sudden today I have TWO funny stories that happened to me . Here goes...
Okay , now the building where I work used to be this big honkin' department store . There's an upstairs to it which used to be their office area . We only use the bottom part of the building even though we own the top part as well . The top part is presently this big empty dark maze of little vacant office rooms . Now...Somebody came over from our main store and wanted to know if we had seen any buckets of paint that had supposedly been left there . I help them look around for awhile to no avail . So I'm thinking " Maybe somebody took the paint upstairs to store it out of the way " . So I decide to go up there and look around . I've gone up there several times before without incident in the past . So I'm up there looking around and can't find the missing paint . Okay . Well , I tried . Well As I go to leave the upstairs area I realize the door locked behind me . When I went up there in the past it was NEVER locked . I'm like " Hmmmm...that's odd . " So I try the other door which leads into the rest of the maze of office rooms . Locked as well . This effectively cuts off any route of exiting the upstairs for me . Now I begin to get a liitle antsy , because nobody knows I'm up there . As I survey the area I'm In I see Five doors Fire Sprinkler Room , Electrical Equipment Room , Locked Exit Door #1 , Locked Exit Door #2 , and Inaccessible Mystery Door With DANGER Signs All Over It . Which to choose ? First I think "Okay . Electrical Room might have a phone in it and I can call somebody downstairs to open the door for me . " I try to open it and discover that it too is locked . SHIT!!!!! Okay time to throw caution to the wind and hope that the Fire Sprinkler Room isn't alarmed . It's not alarmed , but it IS locked . FUCK!!!!! Hmmmm...do I dare attempt to escape through the Mystery door . Yep . But I can't get the goddamn thing open because a huge vent was constructed in front of it when we moved into the building . SHITFUCK!!!!! I am now pretty much out of options . What does our intrepid adventurer do now???? I sucked up my pride and tried to yell through the vent in the hopes that somebody downstairs would hear my plea . NO DICE . Now I realize that I won't be left there long enough to starve to death or anything , but I might be there for a good while and I'm getting that claustrophobic "Caged Animal" feeling . I look around again and see a piece of steel pipe , a few pieces of wire , an old broom , an electrical outlet , and a pile of paper . The MacGuyver theme song starts playing in my head . I take out my pocket knife and grab the wire . I hastily strip all of the plastic insulation off of it so it's nothing but copper conducter . I then take some of the paper and wad it up and put it in the one end of the pipe . Here's the genius part...I pee on the paper inside of the pipe because I need it to be wet so it won't burn . It also makes for better electrical conductivity . Now I link all of the pieces of wire together end to end and place one end in the soggy paper . I put the wooden broom handle in the other end to hold the wire in place and to hold on to , preventing me from coming into contact with the soon-to-be charged-up metal pipe . I move over to the electrical outlet with the other end of the wire . Quickly I take a piece of gum out of my pocket and chew it . I then place the gum , which is essentially just maleable rubber , on the wire to insulate that end . It's now showtime . I hold the broom handle out so that the end of the pipe ( With the wet paper and wire in it ) is covering the lock on the Exit Door . I then take my gum insulated end and shove it into the outlet . There's a quick POP and a smell of ozone as the current runs through the wire and into the wet paper . There's enough of an electrical jolt to pop all of the tumblers in the lock all out of place for a split second . As Soon as I hear the POP I kick the door handle with my non-conductive work boot and the momentarily neutralized lock can no longer hold the door shut . It swings open with the force of my kick and I throw my pipe/broom contraption into it to prop it open . HUZZAH!!!!! I wipe my brow , thank Jebus , and then walk down the stairwell to the ground floor and sweet freedom .
WHEW . That was the adventure of a lifetime , I gottta' tell you . Things like THAT don't happen every day...thankfully . HA , HA , HA!!!!! GOTCHA!!!!! You don't honestly think that A ) I'm that friggin' smart or B ) That I could pull something like that off without killing myself and burning the whole building down do you ????? HOOOOO...I had you going for a second though , didn't I ? Good stuff . No , I actually used the metal pipe to pry the pins in the door hinges out and then shook the door back and forth until the whole thing popped out of the doorway and I walked downstairs to freedom .
I'm sorry that I lied to you guys . I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me . Now I know that I said I had TWO stories , but that one took too long to tell so the next one will have to wait for another time . I gots typers cramps in me fingers . Later y'all...
Okay , now the building where I work used to be this big honkin' department store . There's an upstairs to it which used to be their office area . We only use the bottom part of the building even though we own the top part as well . The top part is presently this big empty dark maze of little vacant office rooms . Now...Somebody came over from our main store and wanted to know if we had seen any buckets of paint that had supposedly been left there . I help them look around for awhile to no avail . So I'm thinking " Maybe somebody took the paint upstairs to store it out of the way " . So I decide to go up there and look around . I've gone up there several times before without incident in the past . So I'm up there looking around and can't find the missing paint . Okay . Well , I tried . Well As I go to leave the upstairs area I realize the door locked behind me . When I went up there in the past it was NEVER locked . I'm like " Hmmmm...that's odd . " So I try the other door which leads into the rest of the maze of office rooms . Locked as well . This effectively cuts off any route of exiting the upstairs for me . Now I begin to get a liitle antsy , because nobody knows I'm up there . As I survey the area I'm In I see Five doors Fire Sprinkler Room , Electrical Equipment Room , Locked Exit Door #1 , Locked Exit Door #2 , and Inaccessible Mystery Door With DANGER Signs All Over It . Which to choose ? First I think "Okay . Electrical Room might have a phone in it and I can call somebody downstairs to open the door for me . " I try to open it and discover that it too is locked . SHIT!!!!! Okay time to throw caution to the wind and hope that the Fire Sprinkler Room isn't alarmed . It's not alarmed , but it IS locked . FUCK!!!!! Hmmmm...do I dare attempt to escape through the Mystery door . Yep . But I can't get the goddamn thing open because a huge vent was constructed in front of it when we moved into the building . SHITFUCK!!!!! I am now pretty much out of options . What does our intrepid adventurer do now???? I sucked up my pride and tried to yell through the vent in the hopes that somebody downstairs would hear my plea . NO DICE . Now I realize that I won't be left there long enough to starve to death or anything , but I might be there for a good while and I'm getting that claustrophobic "Caged Animal" feeling . I look around again and see a piece of steel pipe , a few pieces of wire , an old broom , an electrical outlet , and a pile of paper . The MacGuyver theme song starts playing in my head . I take out my pocket knife and grab the wire . I hastily strip all of the plastic insulation off of it so it's nothing but copper conducter . I then take some of the paper and wad it up and put it in the one end of the pipe . Here's the genius part...I pee on the paper inside of the pipe because I need it to be wet so it won't burn . It also makes for better electrical conductivity . Now I link all of the pieces of wire together end to end and place one end in the soggy paper . I put the wooden broom handle in the other end to hold the wire in place and to hold on to , preventing me from coming into contact with the soon-to-be charged-up metal pipe . I move over to the electrical outlet with the other end of the wire . Quickly I take a piece of gum out of my pocket and chew it . I then place the gum , which is essentially just maleable rubber , on the wire to insulate that end . It's now showtime . I hold the broom handle out so that the end of the pipe ( With the wet paper and wire in it ) is covering the lock on the Exit Door . I then take my gum insulated end and shove it into the outlet . There's a quick POP and a smell of ozone as the current runs through the wire and into the wet paper . There's enough of an electrical jolt to pop all of the tumblers in the lock all out of place for a split second . As Soon as I hear the POP I kick the door handle with my non-conductive work boot and the momentarily neutralized lock can no longer hold the door shut . It swings open with the force of my kick and I throw my pipe/broom contraption into it to prop it open . HUZZAH!!!!! I wipe my brow , thank Jebus , and then walk down the stairwell to the ground floor and sweet freedom .
WHEW . That was the adventure of a lifetime , I gottta' tell you . Things like THAT don't happen every day...thankfully . HA , HA , HA!!!!! GOTCHA!!!!! You don't honestly think that A ) I'm that friggin' smart or B ) That I could pull something like that off without killing myself and burning the whole building down do you ????? HOOOOO...I had you going for a second though , didn't I ? Good stuff . No , I actually used the metal pipe to pry the pins in the door hinges out and then shook the door back and forth until the whole thing popped out of the doorway and I walked downstairs to freedom .
I'm sorry that I lied to you guys . I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me . Now I know that I said I had TWO stories , but that one took too long to tell so the next one will have to wait for another time . I gots typers cramps in me fingers . Later y'all...
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Speedo!
You shouldn'ta fessed up and said you was lying. It was a pretty sweet tale. I thought you could have done all that!!
i've made Lucas rich enough as it is.