tinfoilhalo

As I was languishing in the prison that I call "work" , I had an epiphany . I have always known that I'm NOT doing what I want to be doing for the rest of my life , but I've been a bit unclear as to what exactly I DO want to do for the rest of my life . Did any of that make sense??? Anyway , me and my boss were talking about cool jobs that we'd rather be doing than what we're doing ( He even hates working at this place ) . I thought of a few obvious dream jobs such as that person who manually has to jerk off large predatory jungle cats so as to artificially inseminate prudish female jungle cats who don't want to give up that kitty ass , or possibly midget wrangler on a free range midget ranch . I'm sure there are a MILLION people lined up for those jobs though , so I thought I'd go for something a little more off the beaten path . BARTENDER / OWNER OF MY OWN BAR . Honestly , that one has a nice ring to it . Here are a few reasons for this choice...

1 ) I like to spend most of my free time hanging out in various bars . Why not get PAYED to do it ?

2 ) For those of you who know me outside of the electronic confines of this place , you know that I have the PERFECT last name to put on a big sign outside my bar to lure thirsty drunks in like hyenas to a rotting hippo carcass .

3 ) Job satisfaction . At my shitty retail job I just send people away with boxes of stuff and never get to see if they even LIKE their stuff . As a bartender I would get to see over the course of the evening how much my patrons enjoy my service . Some might even enjoy it SO much that they throw up all over the restroom and piss themselves in the middle of the bar . That's better than a "thank you" ANY day .

4 ) This one also kind of falls under job satisfaction . At the end of the night when I see an ugly man or woman going home with an attractive drunk member of the opposite ( Or same...I'm all for personal choice ) sex for a night of clumsy drunken sexcapades it would warm the cockles of my heart . It might even warm the cockles of my colon . There's a LOT of cockles in the human body and I want to warm them ALL . Just knowing that I gave some hideously unattractive person the best sex that they'll NEVER get again would give me a special kind of joy that would last a lifetime .

5 ) And this one is probably the most important one...to my knowledge NO baretender has ever been ripped to shreds by the three inch razor sharp claws of a large carnivorous feline who doesn't like being touched "there" , or trapped and eventually eaten alive by a pack of feral midgets . Those are BOTH serious concerns with my other two dream jobs .

SOOOOO...once I hit me a lottery of some kind , or win my trumped up lawsuit stating that I'm the illigitimate love child of Bill Gaites and Oprah Winfrey , I'm IN baby . Oh , don't worry folks . I won't forget all of you . You can all have jobs at my swank new bar . All you gotta' do is name your position , and I'll hook yinz up . From the few of you that I know in the Pittsburgh area , here's a few suggestions ( Feel free to write in any changes you would like ) . Destro could be the bouncer / chick magnet ( Come on ladies . You KNOW you dig the husky kids . ) . NicoleLee could be the head server / frat boy ass kicker . Yebutz could be the safety monitor / stand up philosopher . To keep all of us accident free AND enlightened . Norritt could be the art director / house ninja . EVERY place needs to look spiffy and have a good house ninja . If I've forgotten anybody , please forgive me as it's 6:30am and I just got out of work . Anybody else want to come work my bar ? Just let me know .

TinfoilHalo : over and out...


P.S. GO STEELERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!