I don't often share REALLY personal stuff with you guys in my journal , but that's about to change . Maybe I'm growing enough as a human being to feel comfortable with myself and allow people inside my tough outer shell , maybe it's the fact that I just mixed Nyquil , Aspirin ,Vick's Vapo-Rub, Jack Daniels Whiskey , and Vivarin into a big glass and drank it all down in an attempt to cure my dreaded DEATH VIRUS that I have been afflicted with for the past week . But regardless of the reason , here is something very personal that I've never told anyone else about myself...
I am a fully trained and internationally licensed LION TAMER . That's right . I tame lions . Well , actually lion TAMER is a bit of a misnomer . You can't TAME a lion . They're vicious wild animals . I'm more of a lion related incident survivalist . I am trained specifically to NOT die when lions are present . I've got my own sequened jumpsuit , whip , chair and a degree from the P.T . Barnum School of Lion Taming correspondence course . So I'm OFFICIAL . Now , I'm sure that you all have a bunch of questions , so I'm going to answer a few of the most frequently asked ones .
Q: Why did you decide to become a lion tamer ?
A: My high school guidance counsellor told me to . I was young and impressionable . The rest , as they say , is history . I read later that he was fired shortlyy thereafter . Some kind of nervous breakdown or something . An angry parent called the school when her son claimed that his guidance counsellor told him he should become a flaming chainsaw juggling drag queen in Vegas .
Q: Can you tame any other wild animals , like tigers or bears ?
A: NO . First of all , tigers are COMPLETELY untrainable . They're known as the "Postal Workers of the Jungle" . They're completely unpredictable and often kill things just so they can feel better about themselves . This fact became public knowledge when that Siberian tiger ate half of Siegfried and Roy . As for bears...well , they're an entirely different species , so that's just a dumb question . I could PROBABLY tame a puma because they are also known as Moutain LIONS , and possibly an ocelot , but only because they are very small . Other than that , I'm specifically a lion guy . Although I once tamed a llama at a petting zoo , but that's only because I gave him a bag of peanuts .
Q: Is there a lot of money in lion taming ?
A :Surprisingly , no . Apparently the world at large values doctor and scientist types more than a guy who can make a huge predatory cat stand on it's hind legs and jump through a flaming hoop . The world is stupid .
Q: I'll bet you get TONS of chicks . Are there any lion tamer groupies ?
A: Yes , but they're slowly being lured away to the guys who train organ grinder monkeys . It's a far more glamourous lifestyle . Lots of cash , flashy cars , big Hollywood parties .It's sad really . Organ grinder monkey trainers used to just be about the CRAFT . They've lost their way .
Q: Isn't lion taming kind of cruel , what with the whips and chairs and all ?
A: No . A little known fact that has , until now , not been available to the general public is that lion tamers don't actually whip or use the chair on lions . We TALK them down . That's right . We are highly trained in feline psychology and carnivore behavioural science . We get to the root of what is making the lions so furious and help them come to terms with it . A little hint , It's usually the fact that their father tried to eat them when they were younger .
So there you go . I hope that this has been both entertaining and informative . I know that I feel better sharing this special secret joy of mine with all of you . I hope you all feel a little closer to me now , too . If you have any other questions concerning the taming of lions or wish to become a lion tamer yourself , feel free to ask me anything . As long as I don't forget saying all of this as soon as the highly potent mixture of chemicals and medications runs its course through my system , I'll be happy to give you any help that I can in this exciting course of study . Now , if you don't mind , I think I may be going into full cardiac arrest . If you'd be so kind as to call 9-1-1 , I'd be ever so grateful . Passing out now...........................................................
I am a fully trained and internationally licensed LION TAMER . That's right . I tame lions . Well , actually lion TAMER is a bit of a misnomer . You can't TAME a lion . They're vicious wild animals . I'm more of a lion related incident survivalist . I am trained specifically to NOT die when lions are present . I've got my own sequened jumpsuit , whip , chair and a degree from the P.T . Barnum School of Lion Taming correspondence course . So I'm OFFICIAL . Now , I'm sure that you all have a bunch of questions , so I'm going to answer a few of the most frequently asked ones .
Q: Why did you decide to become a lion tamer ?
A: My high school guidance counsellor told me to . I was young and impressionable . The rest , as they say , is history . I read later that he was fired shortlyy thereafter . Some kind of nervous breakdown or something . An angry parent called the school when her son claimed that his guidance counsellor told him he should become a flaming chainsaw juggling drag queen in Vegas .
Q: Can you tame any other wild animals , like tigers or bears ?
A: NO . First of all , tigers are COMPLETELY untrainable . They're known as the "Postal Workers of the Jungle" . They're completely unpredictable and often kill things just so they can feel better about themselves . This fact became public knowledge when that Siberian tiger ate half of Siegfried and Roy . As for bears...well , they're an entirely different species , so that's just a dumb question . I could PROBABLY tame a puma because they are also known as Moutain LIONS , and possibly an ocelot , but only because they are very small . Other than that , I'm specifically a lion guy . Although I once tamed a llama at a petting zoo , but that's only because I gave him a bag of peanuts .
Q: Is there a lot of money in lion taming ?
A :Surprisingly , no . Apparently the world at large values doctor and scientist types more than a guy who can make a huge predatory cat stand on it's hind legs and jump through a flaming hoop . The world is stupid .
Q: I'll bet you get TONS of chicks . Are there any lion tamer groupies ?
A: Yes , but they're slowly being lured away to the guys who train organ grinder monkeys . It's a far more glamourous lifestyle . Lots of cash , flashy cars , big Hollywood parties .It's sad really . Organ grinder monkey trainers used to just be about the CRAFT . They've lost their way .
Q: Isn't lion taming kind of cruel , what with the whips and chairs and all ?
A: No . A little known fact that has , until now , not been available to the general public is that lion tamers don't actually whip or use the chair on lions . We TALK them down . That's right . We are highly trained in feline psychology and carnivore behavioural science . We get to the root of what is making the lions so furious and help them come to terms with it . A little hint , It's usually the fact that their father tried to eat them when they were younger .
So there you go . I hope that this has been both entertaining and informative . I know that I feel better sharing this special secret joy of mine with all of you . I hope you all feel a little closer to me now , too . If you have any other questions concerning the taming of lions or wish to become a lion tamer yourself , feel free to ask me anything . As long as I don't forget saying all of this as soon as the highly potent mixture of chemicals and medications runs its course through my system , I'll be happy to give you any help that I can in this exciting course of study . Now , if you don't mind , I think I may be going into full cardiac arrest . If you'd be so kind as to call 9-1-1 , I'd be ever so grateful . Passing out now...........................................................
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
Good luck staying alive around the lions.