I am sick as a fucking dog . A really SICK dog .
After some half assed detective work , I've come up with a shoddy theory which may explain this illness . Apparently the dainty Ms. yebutz was stricken with strep throat over Christmas too. I know that another friend of mine got the flu as well . Now I have some sort of horrid viral infuction . Here's my theory...Santa is in league with Iraqi militants and Al Quaeda . It makes perfect sense . It's gotta' be cold as a mutha' up at the North Pole , so Kris Kringle's gotta heat the place somehow . How???? OIL , BABY!!!! That's how . And as we all know oil ain't cheap . Santa can't be raking in a lot of cash just working once a year . Hell , most people only pay him in cookies and milk ( Which , by the way, is kinda' just enabling his rampant eating disorder . Give the guy some frikkin' rice cakes or something . Think of the poor reindeer that have to cart his portly ass all over the world . It's gotta' be murder on their little reindeer spines . ) So how does Santa get cheap oil to heat his elven sweatshop ? Well , he makes a little cash by seling his likeness to add agencies and such , but with today's business lawyers , I'm betting Saint Nick is only earning about 6% off of the gross profits . That's barely enough to make the kickbacks that keep the elf teamsters in booze and hookers over the off season . No , I think the jolly old fat man struck some kind of deal with Muslim terrorists to deliver GERM WARFARE agents to all of the boys and girls of America this year .
WHY, SANTA???? WHY????? Don't you realize that there are alternative fuel sources that you can use ? There was absolutely NO reason to join forces with the bad guys when you can use clean burning baby seals from right outside your door . Sure baby seal burning may not be the most popular solution , but you don't have to become an international terrorist just to keep your ho-ho-home warm . Or maybe you could just hook a generator up to a treadmill . You could stand to shed some of those unwanted extra pounds there tubby . Yeah you're jolly NOW , but when you're laying on the floor of the workshop clutching your chest in excruciating pain because your arteries are all clogged with sugar plum residue how jolly will you be ? Not very , I'm betting .
So what's the deal , Santa???? You gonna' start running guns for them next ? Maybe you can have the elves turn the workshop into a meth lab and create some magic elf dust that your new friends can sell for explosives money . Don't do it Santa . YOU can still change . Don't be like the Easter Bunny . HE'S too far gone to bring back . We all know that . But YOU...you can still come back from the dark side . Yeah , I'm sick as shit , but I'll forgive you if you promise to stop working with Middle Eastern terror-mongers . Please Santa , come back to us...and bring me a pony .
After some half assed detective work , I've come up with a shoddy theory which may explain this illness . Apparently the dainty Ms. yebutz was stricken with strep throat over Christmas too. I know that another friend of mine got the flu as well . Now I have some sort of horrid viral infuction . Here's my theory...Santa is in league with Iraqi militants and Al Quaeda . It makes perfect sense . It's gotta' be cold as a mutha' up at the North Pole , so Kris Kringle's gotta heat the place somehow . How???? OIL , BABY!!!! That's how . And as we all know oil ain't cheap . Santa can't be raking in a lot of cash just working once a year . Hell , most people only pay him in cookies and milk ( Which , by the way, is kinda' just enabling his rampant eating disorder . Give the guy some frikkin' rice cakes or something . Think of the poor reindeer that have to cart his portly ass all over the world . It's gotta' be murder on their little reindeer spines . ) So how does Santa get cheap oil to heat his elven sweatshop ? Well , he makes a little cash by seling his likeness to add agencies and such , but with today's business lawyers , I'm betting Saint Nick is only earning about 6% off of the gross profits . That's barely enough to make the kickbacks that keep the elf teamsters in booze and hookers over the off season . No , I think the jolly old fat man struck some kind of deal with Muslim terrorists to deliver GERM WARFARE agents to all of the boys and girls of America this year .
WHY, SANTA???? WHY????? Don't you realize that there are alternative fuel sources that you can use ? There was absolutely NO reason to join forces with the bad guys when you can use clean burning baby seals from right outside your door . Sure baby seal burning may not be the most popular solution , but you don't have to become an international terrorist just to keep your ho-ho-home warm . Or maybe you could just hook a generator up to a treadmill . You could stand to shed some of those unwanted extra pounds there tubby . Yeah you're jolly NOW , but when you're laying on the floor of the workshop clutching your chest in excruciating pain because your arteries are all clogged with sugar plum residue how jolly will you be ? Not very , I'm betting .
So what's the deal , Santa???? You gonna' start running guns for them next ? Maybe you can have the elves turn the workshop into a meth lab and create some magic elf dust that your new friends can sell for explosives money . Don't do it Santa . YOU can still change . Don't be like the Easter Bunny . HE'S too far gone to bring back . We all know that . But YOU...you can still come back from the dark side . Yeah , I'm sick as shit , but I'll forgive you if you promise to stop working with Middle Eastern terror-mongers . Please Santa , come back to us...and bring me a pony .
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Hope your holidays are going well, and I will talk to you in a week or so probably. Have a good one
xoxo me