tinfoilhalo

I suddenly have ants in my apartment . This fact does not sit well with me . They offered to pay me rent , but in case you didn't know , ant money is incredibly tiny and practically worthless in the human world . I asked them nicely to leave . They , in turn , invited about a hundred or so of their friends to crash at my place . WAR has now been declared . It's kind of like that movie Aliens except these bugs can't bite my head off and/or spew acid at me and I have ( Grudgingly ) refrained from using flamethrowers and explosives to combat the little bastards . I have employed chemical warfare to begin my first assault . This was possibly not the best idea . Allow me to explain . I unloaded about an entire can of RAID Ant&Roach Killer into my apartment to eradicate the ant menace . I then realized , too late I might add , that this chemical death spray is also quite noxious to members of my species . I also realized that it is quite foolish and incredibly unpleasant to open a window for ventilation in thirty degree weather . Do I freeze to death or die of chemical inhalation ? Answer...I'd rather die warm . I shut the window , hoping that most of the deadly fumes had dissipated . I think that I am fine , but the giant blue armadillo wearing the sombrero sitting next to me on my couch says I should call the hospital .

BATTLE LOG-Hour 1
The hallucinations eventually waned and I dug a trench in my living room between me and them . I then fashioned a rudimentary fort out of couch cushions and cardboard boxes . In my haste I seem to have missed a vital bit of info about my enemy . They are not normal ants . They are ARMY ants!!!! The little helmets and fatigues should have tipped me off . The ants set up a beach-head in my bathroom effectively cutting off my ability to go potty . Clever ploy my little friends . Very clever . Too bad for you , I have a bladder of STEEL .

BATTLE LOG - Hour 2
OH GOD!!!! All of the coffee that I was drinking took its toll on me . I had to go and I had to go NOW . Stupid ants and their stupid annexing of my bathroom . I needed a plan or I was going to EXPLODE. Then , it came to me . I tossed a few sugar cubes in the corner of the bathroom and when the little idiots went for them I did my thing . FOOLS!!!! I even managed to destroy their munitions bunker on the way out . HA!!! Wait...ants wouldn't have a munitions bunker ? What the hell did I destroy then ? DAMN!!!!

I did some intel gathering on the internet and I found out that spiders eat ants . So I put in an emergency order to my good buddies at ACME . My ACME "Big Bucket O' Black Widows " arrived and I quickly released them into my apartment . This plan CAN'T go wrong .


BATTLE LOG - Hour 3
My plan has gone HORRIBLY wrong!!! I should have read the WHOLE article about Black Widows . Apparently if they bite a human being...it's really , REALLY , bad . This , however was of little concern to me until the damned Black Widows made a truce with the ants to allign against me . Deception thy name is arachnid!!! My Uncle Harold always used to say " Never trust a Black Widow" . I always thought it was just some off-the-cuff racist remark . Only now do I know the truth .

I found out on the internet that Komodo Dragons eat Black Widows . After a quick call to ACME I developed a new plan . This plan CAN'T go wrong!!!!