My older sister used to take me to movies when I was a wee lad . The great thing was that she'd get me into R rated movies when I was twelve . The other good thing was that I LOVED movies . I'd sit there quietly and just watch the movie . Sure there were a couple of movies like Nightmare On Elm Street and Children Of The Corn which scared the piss out of me and gave me nightmares , but I never told my mom because I liked going to the theater . I especially loved horror movies . The 80's were the golden age for teenage slasher flicks and gory monster movies . Todays horror movies for the most part can't even come close to them . Now as these were formative years for me , I learned valueable lessons from these movies as any perceptive child would . The movies became sort of a surrogate teacher /parent for me a lot of times . Here are my top 10 important lessons that I learned from 80's slasher movies...
1) If your parents send you to a place nicknamed "Camp Blood" they probably don't love you nor do they want you to return .
2) If you're 17 or 18 years old and still going to summer camp you deserve to die . Start doing drugs and shoplifting or having unprotected sex in your parents car like any normal 17 or 18 year old .
3) If you do drugs and have unprotected sex at summer camp instead of learning archery or weaving your mom a basket or something terrible things will happen to you AND to those around you . Keep it in your pants and save a life .
4) Point number three is really just a technicality . SOMEBODY will have sex and you'll have to die too to pay for their unchecked libido . So , with that in mind , you're actually better off just getting off the damn bus and running into the woods and screwing the first person who follows you . At least you'll get to have sex before you die .
5) Follows point 4 closely . You're lucky if you die early on in the camping trip because the inevitable psychotic killer won't be warmed up yet . You'll probably just fall victim to a simple beheading or impalation through the heart . That's WAAAY better than waiting for the murderer to get "creative" and having your face shoved into a running boat motor or being crucified on a pine tree with tent spikes or something .
6) At 80's summer camps female nudity happens OFTEN and for no real reason .
7) If you're wandering around camp and bump into somebody who is inappropriately wearing athletic protective gear and/or carrying a running chainsaw with no evidence of wood chopping in the general area RUN!!!! Don't strike up a conversation with them and ask if they need help carrying wood back to camp or some other stupid shit . RUN!!!!
8) All homicidal maniacs are mind readers and Olympic Class sprinters . They will ALWAYS wind up catching you or beating you back to your destination and setting up some sort of horrible trap for you . Either be prepared for said trap or just...I don't know ...climb a tree or something , so at least when you die you will also fall and it will be visually exciting for anybody witnessing your awful demise .
9) Psycho killers are also practically indestrctible . At the very least they are impervious to most normal methods of dispatching unwanted people . If you happen to get a weapon of some sort , DON'T aim for their head or chest as you would with a regular enemy . Shoot or cut their legs off so that they can't chase you , then run over them repeatedly with a car , then set them on fire , then drop a huge boulder on them . After you have done this DON'T go back to check on your friends . They're all dead already , and for the love of God DON'T go anywhere near the fallen maniac . He or she ain't dead . They NEVER are . Get in the car that you ran him or her over with and drive to the nearest airport and get on the next flight to Bali . The killer will most likely revive and pull him or herself back together and somehow beat you to Bali , but at least you'll die someplace pretty .
10) If you happen to come across anybody who , for any reason , tells you a story about how their child , sibling , best friend , or family pet died tragically at "This very camp , house , or town " KILL THEM IMMEDIATELY . NO . Don't feel sorry for them . KILL THEM . They are ALWAYS going to wind up becoming a masked murderer . Smoke their crazy ass first and ask no questions later . The people around you should thank you for keeping them from being hacked into little pieces . Sure , you might get arrested , but you'll be ALIVE . Then when you get out of jail you can go back to the place where you killed that obviously deranged person and kill a bunch of other people for revenge .
These are some of the things that I learned during my childhood spent at the movie theaters of rural Pennsylvania . I hope that some day this may help save (or possibly even take) some lives in the future . This has been a public service announcement from the TinfoilHalo Broadcasting Network .
1) If your parents send you to a place nicknamed "Camp Blood" they probably don't love you nor do they want you to return .
2) If you're 17 or 18 years old and still going to summer camp you deserve to die . Start doing drugs and shoplifting or having unprotected sex in your parents car like any normal 17 or 18 year old .
3) If you do drugs and have unprotected sex at summer camp instead of learning archery or weaving your mom a basket or something terrible things will happen to you AND to those around you . Keep it in your pants and save a life .
4) Point number three is really just a technicality . SOMEBODY will have sex and you'll have to die too to pay for their unchecked libido . So , with that in mind , you're actually better off just getting off the damn bus and running into the woods and screwing the first person who follows you . At least you'll get to have sex before you die .
5) Follows point 4 closely . You're lucky if you die early on in the camping trip because the inevitable psychotic killer won't be warmed up yet . You'll probably just fall victim to a simple beheading or impalation through the heart . That's WAAAY better than waiting for the murderer to get "creative" and having your face shoved into a running boat motor or being crucified on a pine tree with tent spikes or something .
6) At 80's summer camps female nudity happens OFTEN and for no real reason .
7) If you're wandering around camp and bump into somebody who is inappropriately wearing athletic protective gear and/or carrying a running chainsaw with no evidence of wood chopping in the general area RUN!!!! Don't strike up a conversation with them and ask if they need help carrying wood back to camp or some other stupid shit . RUN!!!!
8) All homicidal maniacs are mind readers and Olympic Class sprinters . They will ALWAYS wind up catching you or beating you back to your destination and setting up some sort of horrible trap for you . Either be prepared for said trap or just...I don't know ...climb a tree or something , so at least when you die you will also fall and it will be visually exciting for anybody witnessing your awful demise .
9) Psycho killers are also practically indestrctible . At the very least they are impervious to most normal methods of dispatching unwanted people . If you happen to get a weapon of some sort , DON'T aim for their head or chest as you would with a regular enemy . Shoot or cut their legs off so that they can't chase you , then run over them repeatedly with a car , then set them on fire , then drop a huge boulder on them . After you have done this DON'T go back to check on your friends . They're all dead already , and for the love of God DON'T go anywhere near the fallen maniac . He or she ain't dead . They NEVER are . Get in the car that you ran him or her over with and drive to the nearest airport and get on the next flight to Bali . The killer will most likely revive and pull him or herself back together and somehow beat you to Bali , but at least you'll die someplace pretty .
10) If you happen to come across anybody who , for any reason , tells you a story about how their child , sibling , best friend , or family pet died tragically at "This very camp , house , or town " KILL THEM IMMEDIATELY . NO . Don't feel sorry for them . KILL THEM . They are ALWAYS going to wind up becoming a masked murderer . Smoke their crazy ass first and ask no questions later . The people around you should thank you for keeping them from being hacked into little pieces . Sure , you might get arrested , but you'll be ALIVE . Then when you get out of jail you can go back to the place where you killed that obviously deranged person and kill a bunch of other people for revenge .
These are some of the things that I learned during my childhood spent at the movie theaters of rural Pennsylvania . I hope that some day this may help save (or possibly even take) some lives in the future . This has been a public service announcement from the TinfoilHalo Broadcasting Network .
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
1. Seven things to do before I die
2. Seven things I cannot do
3. Seven things that attract me to Calgary
4. Seven things I say most often
5. Seven books (or series) that I love
6. Seven movies I watch over and over again (or would if I had time)
7. Seven people I want to join in, too.