I don't know what to say. It's become something of a motto recently. Perhaps it would be more accurate to just say "I don't know". For some reason I have found myself in a completely untenable situation in every possible sense. Things can simply not progress the way they are right now without injury.
Mental health is such a horrible term, but it is something that I have to somehow face I struggle with. The ability to see the colour in the world or feel love from anyone and for anything are completely foreign to me now. I don't feel myself nor can remember the last time I did.
I have struggled for years, but I was winning. Or at least I thought so. In hindsight what I was doing was successfully running. A tactic that is obviously flawed! I don't know where to start again, I don't know how to start again. I wish I could work out what the problem was, what caused this. How is it a person can be betrayed by their own mind - Surely I should have the ability to recognise the problem and affect the solution.
There are days, much like today, where I can barely function as a human being. Decisions and actions are futile as, for whatever reason, your own body has decided today you will not want to be here. Today you will wish away for tomorrow in the full knowledge it could start all over again.
I guess the fact I recognize the problem is a bonus, I defintely have actions that are designed to try and avoid the blackness when it comes. I can ignore it but am always aware of it. Trying to accept it without indulging it seems to have some success, obviously it will never be a solution though. If you don't look at it, it's not there?!?! It's like a child trying to avoid the monster in it's closet! Pathetic.
There is no reason for writing this. Nothing above the idea that maybe by saying these things you give them away. If it is expressed enough perhaps it will stay away.
I can't actually make any sort of sense of my mind. I feel the need to undo everything and stop when it all reaches zero, then perhaps I can understand where it should all go as I put it back together. Unfortunately this is polite wording for "break down"!! Which is also not a good plan! Somehow no matter how hard I try to bring order to it all I just cant do it. There is a fundamental problem somewhere that will defeat every attempt I make. But I don't know where it is.
If I don't sort it out then I will never have any peace, I will simply exist from day to day over and over again. Never planning, never committing to anything or anyone. I won't make anything of myself nor ever take a moments pride in anything I achieve.
In short, things will stay as they are.
Mental health is such a horrible term, but it is something that I have to somehow face I struggle with. The ability to see the colour in the world or feel love from anyone and for anything are completely foreign to me now. I don't feel myself nor can remember the last time I did.
I have struggled for years, but I was winning. Or at least I thought so. In hindsight what I was doing was successfully running. A tactic that is obviously flawed! I don't know where to start again, I don't know how to start again. I wish I could work out what the problem was, what caused this. How is it a person can be betrayed by their own mind - Surely I should have the ability to recognise the problem and affect the solution.
There are days, much like today, where I can barely function as a human being. Decisions and actions are futile as, for whatever reason, your own body has decided today you will not want to be here. Today you will wish away for tomorrow in the full knowledge it could start all over again.
I guess the fact I recognize the problem is a bonus, I defintely have actions that are designed to try and avoid the blackness when it comes. I can ignore it but am always aware of it. Trying to accept it without indulging it seems to have some success, obviously it will never be a solution though. If you don't look at it, it's not there?!?! It's like a child trying to avoid the monster in it's closet! Pathetic.
There is no reason for writing this. Nothing above the idea that maybe by saying these things you give them away. If it is expressed enough perhaps it will stay away.
I can't actually make any sort of sense of my mind. I feel the need to undo everything and stop when it all reaches zero, then perhaps I can understand where it should all go as I put it back together. Unfortunately this is polite wording for "break down"!! Which is also not a good plan! Somehow no matter how hard I try to bring order to it all I just cant do it. There is a fundamental problem somewhere that will defeat every attempt I make. But I don't know where it is.
If I don't sort it out then I will never have any peace, I will simply exist from day to day over and over again. Never planning, never committing to anything or anyone. I won't make anything of myself nor ever take a moments pride in anything I achieve.
In short, things will stay as they are.
After struggling with counsellors and all sorts for many, many years, I am now with a psychiatrist and feeling fairly positive (although it's difficult sometimes).
I completely understand what you've said in your blog and have felt the same but please believe me when I say there is help out there and you will smile again, and mean it!!
Give me a shout whenever you need; I'm usually attached to my pc, or not very far away. And if you want my number, PM me. It breaks me up to think that other people are having to suffer like I've had to because I know how tough it is.
*hugs*
xx