I've lost myself very much again, inside a supposed duty and inside the anger that seems to be breeding at a ridiculous rate. My temper has never been an attractive quality of mine, lately I find no end to it. In rare moments of clarity I can see how years of helping care for my brother and then the following (now) years of helping looking after my mother have led to me never cultivating my own life, nor my own identity.
Don't get me wrong, I get by - To most you would never know the difference. But to some I know they can see that I'm not who I was, if they even care to look. Most don't.
Sometimes, mixed with the sadder times i find some sense though....
I'm not someone who really wants to play the game, so maybe i should give myself a break and stop thinking that I want to be in a hundred peoples facebook photos. far better to be in two who care than a hundred who don't.
I don't have many friends - I never have, I never will....but nor do I need a lot.
I can;t hold conversations or small talk, but then again maybe it's not necessary - I've always held that you know when you meet a like mind regardless.
I can't talk to women, it's not nerves...just a lack of confidence I suppose - however I don't want those who would need a slick routine and a plan that only lasts till the next morning.
For my next trick i realy need to work on drumming in to my head that i am letting life go without making anything of it or challenging myself to act/live/be who I want to be. I can;t fathom out why for the life of me. i'm not stupid, far from it...But somehow i know I'm doing this and i can;t make myself stop it! Or maybe the point is to recognize when I am doing the things I want and to stop looking over my shoulder to see if I need to pretend that I'm not really fussed.
"happiness is a conscious choice, not an automatic response" - The only thing the therapist said that stuck in my head.
For now i leave some pictures, should anyone read this toss! I want to have another outlet for some of this stuff. The following are sketches of paintings in the national gallery. The idea is to work from the original to a point of almost complete abstraction by stages. each stage is based only on it's preceding state, the original piece is only ever referenced once - The idea is a version of the cubist philosophy of creating a new reality by adapting what already exists in to something that has never existed before. Using reality as a reference point to make a new reality. these sketches are only state 3 of each, time will constrain how far these can go.
After Zurbaran,
After Cezanne,
On an unrelated note....I look fucking tired!!!
So nite nite!! 
x
For me, I knew the steps I had to do to get out of the funk, but the motivation to do it isn't there like you think it would be.
I think its all pretty normal, as we get older and real life hits us all and adult problems arise.
Recognizing it is the start, then action.
So they let you go and sketch at the various museums? That's actually pretty cool. The art museum in the city I'm in now is actually fairly good and I have never seen so many people painting before. I went in February and there might have been...twenty or so people scattered through the museum painting various works (and rather well I might add).
From the different answers I've received from friends and family...there seem to be at least 15 different ways to approach the question.