timothy_bathory

Yaarg.. Okay here goes a condensed version of the past 2 weeks, not because I am in a rush or trying to save space but I only remember the condensed version...Okay so first, to preface this adventure, I am house sitting for someone very influential in the company for whom I work. Last Friday my buddy G-Unit has a party at his house out in Scottsdale (pinkies up gentleman) So myself and Spence decide to pay a visit. To ensure we make a good first impression on G-Units friends and family we go to Fry's first and get four 22's of Newcastle and two 32's of Miller Highlife (mind you we are in Scottsdale so we need the "Champagne of Beers") At any rate, we chug those on the way to G-Units house.

We meet G-Unit across the street from his house in a park (it's about 10pm) while we are standing there BSing we notice a solitary figure approaching, it turns out to be a giant of a 17 year old male with some sort of bizarre twitch that causes him to look like he is beginning to do the "harlem shake" about every 2 to 3 minutes. So, naturally we ask what he's doing, it comes to light that this well dressed twitching man is "out cruising for girls" (his words) in a park, at 10 in the evening. We ask why and he explains two things A) he is a virgin (suprise suprise) and B) he has an enormous penis (or so he would have us believe). G-Unit then pipes up that he will gladly sell him his "sweet man-ass" for only five bucks. The man seems offended yet intrigued, so G-Unit presses harder, convincing this man that he is gay, willling, and eager to perform oral sex on the shakey fellow. After about 10 minutes of this G-Unit convinces him that he is not an undercover cop and he really wants to "swallow all his hot man milk" So the guy whips out fifteen dollars and we promptly call him a fag and jeer him. It was hilarious.

Next we go inside G-Units house to find it well stocked an abundance of beautiful Romanian girls. We entertain them and then head out to a kegger at Lucious Tits house. Which turned out to be disapointing and filled with your stereotypical party people.

Then, on Saturday night we go out to TGI Fridays with the Romanians from the previous night where once again we live up to the name drunkasses and have one hell of a good time doing it. After we have stewed in our liquor at TGIF's enough, we break out to a hotel party at the Scottsdale Resort and find the room filled with bangers and two douchebags. One of them, named Matt, we thoroughly humiliated by calling him Madeline, Sally, Sweet Suzy and about every other feminine name we could conjure up in our drunken state all the while swallowing mouthfuls of Absolot Rasberry. Needless to say, at this point it becomes a bit of a blur what exactly transpired but I assure you it was both hilarious and painful to my kidneys and liver. When I awoke I was laying between the beds and the bathroom, half clothed and smelling strongly of high alcohol content vomit.

After returning home to sleep for about 4 hours we left to go to a party at the Romanians house where we drank moonshine from Romania (imagine that) I became extremely intoxicated and half naked did a front flip in to a pool aht is about 3 feet deep and 4 or 5 feet wide. (please allow me to reiterate that these are rich, cultured and very beautiful girls who are by now completely mortified at this pale, drunken fellow)

This past week I drank 2 fifths of Jim Beam, 1 30 pack of Bud Light, 2 40's of Mickey's, 3 fifths of some top shelf vodka, 1 bottle of Everclear, and Jungle Fruit made from another bottle of Everclear. It would be pointless to say my kidneys hurt.

Now, on to this weekend, Friday, party over here, then Saturday morning G-Unit and myself lounged in the pool and drank Alize blue until some of G-Units ladies showed up. Then we played drinking games and again lived up to our reputation.

Now I am tired and I have to wake up at 4:50am and go to work. Then on Tuesday I need to go to California, pick up my GF and drive back early Thursday for a meeting with all of my superiors. Woopty woop.